I haven't been on here for a while due to my very busy single mom of 5 kids life! It's a lot. But I wanted to update with some progress, to give some hope to those who are closer to disclosure and separation. One year ago STBX moved out. That was 3 months after he told me he's really gay (after a year of maybe he's Bi, maybe he's traumatized by abuse, etc and all that confusing garbage). Last April it felt like all the sunshine flooded into our lives when he moved out! But I wondered if I can raise kids alone when I have significant neurological and heart disabilities from Long Covid Syndrome for the past 2 1/2 years, and two of the teenagers also have Long Covid. 

I had never worked because my ex told me in early marriage that he had "a word from God" that my Master's in Counseling was an idol to me. Our church urged me to raise a big family instead, to glorify God instead of glorifying myself with a career. It was all abusive garbage from him, keeping me home, often without a car, electricity or heat! He has trouble with jobs and squandered our money. We never had enough food, so I always rationed it. I went through 5 pregnancies and breastfeeding years starving all the time. The whole setup made me think it would be even worse when he moved out. I was like a broken down bike with flat tires, a broken chain and only one handlebar, trying to ride through life but moving one inch was too hard. 

Here's what I did. I got on food stamps and free heat right away from the state offices. I got a part-time job as a receptionist. I got state funding for my 6-yr-old to be in a wonderful after-school childcare program so he has more support. I let my older kids have sleepovers (the ex never allowed them) and go to school dances and other social stuff that was outlawed in our old church system. I found a local program for single parents that helps pay for things like our car needing $2,000 in unexpected repairs or my kid wanting a pass to the ice rink! The social worker there was so helpful with tips and solutions for being a chronically ill single mom. 

A year later, let's look at where we are. I ended up losing my job last month due to the Long Covid symptoms - very discouraging. I applied for disability benefits. My STBX pays child support that covers the mortgage, so we've got stable housing! Even with that stress, life is amazing. Truly AMAZING. We've started a tradition of driving to state parks and playgrounds with a basket full of food, because without their dad here it's fun to play and explore somewhere! His turmoil, moods and abuse of us made any small outing so painful. We laugh and joke on car rides, instead of everyone sitting in fear. We cook and do projects on our home in peace. Instead of being more broken down, I'm so capable now. My teenagers often comment that they thought I couldn't do things, but I'm better at handling stuff than their dad was. They notice and comment on the old abuse patterns. We have such great discussions about it. 

I started dating a really kind, caring man last fall. I didn't expect that for years, but when I met him I was completely smitten. Dating wasn't allowed in my church (I had an arranged marriage), so this is my first time feeling attraction or having a guy attracted to me! I was brought up in the idea that even having a crush on someone as a teenager was adultery and would be punished in the end times judgement in front of the whole world. It's been the most healing, fun, joyous experience to date someone who's loving! His presence grounds me with such peace and safety. We can talk for hours about books, psychology, culture, etc and never run out of exciting conversation! He sees me as an equal adult (he's never been programmed by religion like all the men I knew before). He rejoices in my good fortune instead of punishing and stonewalling if something nice happens to me!

Most of all, a couple of months ago when we were getting serious, I had sex with a straight man. Of course, totally different!! I now understand why my therapist told me in 2021 that the few times we had sex was like me being molested, not normal sex. I just didn't know back then and I thought all women went through it. Being in a really safe, connected relationship is so healing. I see concretely that I was a good wife before, but trying to connect with someone who hated me. I believed my ex that everything was my fault, but now it's so easy to love and be loved, to work through misunderstandings and be respectful with someone who's putting in effort too. 

My STBX? He refused to sign divorce papers for a full year, but they're finally in the court now. He got fired recently and sued by his workplace - his lying was discovered there too! His mental health is worse than ever. He's blaming me for crazy things to the kids, and acting more like my victim in ridiculous ways. The kids see it and we talk about it. The judge gave me full custody and he can visit as he likes. Which is hardly ever. He told the judge and social workers he doesn't want custody. He's basically detached from these kids he never wanted - of course, just like he would tell them in my belly that he doesn't want them and he hopes I'll miscarry. He never liked them. He's moving next month to FL (we live in the northeast). He wants to live in St. Pete's with gay people. Totally the gay adolescence! I clapped and jumped for joy when I got the email that he's moving!!! All 5 kids, even the youngest, said, "Oh, that's nice for dad that he'll live there. Maybe he'll become happier." No sadness, no begging him to stay. It was shocking to me but also not a surprise. We can move on and keep building our own life, just taking his child support. 

Sorry so long - if anyone read this much! I just can't believe how different my life is now and how good every day feels. Even these hard times with my illness and single mom life, I can handle it with peace. My moods and emotions are always stable. I've made good friends, after he sabotaged every potential friendship since college. If I knew I was a stable, smart woman I would have left him in 2005 even if he weren't secretly gay!

Last edited by LMM (April 29, 2023 7:49 am)