girly1234 wrote:

To be clear, he proactively got tested for STIs immediately following the encounter and we had no sexual contact in the intervening period. He did not conceal STIs from me. 

Girly you found out he was being tested. He didnt tell you.  As I say, they only fess up to what you already know.

Whatever his orientation, he doesn't sound like what you desire in a partner.  There's a lot of booty-callers, FWBers and general commitment-phobes out there. Don't settle for that if you want more. 

I hope you find someone more aligned with your relationship aspirations.

"he said: he didn’t know if he wanted to be married, he didn’t know if he was currently gay, he didn’t know if he wanted kids anymore, and besides his business plan he had no idea what he wanted on the next 5 years."

I'm so sorry. There is nothing for you to fight for.  He has said very clearly that he is not at all committed to amy part of your marriage.

Its so sad that he has duped you in this way. The best thing is to file for divorce and give yourself a chance to find a man who wants the same as you in a relationship.

Otter284, Im sure you know already but my reading of the situation is - yes he is gay. He won't have sex with you. He has been engaging in extramarital sex with at least one someone who has given him an STD that he has passed on to you. He had a male friend over for champagne and sexy toy time after he kicked you out for the night.

In short - He blames you for your sexless marriage; has compromised your health by bringing hone STIs and blamed you for it; he has angrily 'needed space' and kicked you out of your home so he can entertain his boyfriend; he has been angry with you for discovering he spent money on sex toys.

So ... what do you want, otter? More of this abusive garbage or a fresh start? Gather yourself a little support group of trusted friends or family. Find a counsellor or therapist to help you sort things out and formulate next steps or a plan.

Your partner wont ever tell you the truth and may become more angry, aggressive or violent if you confront him again with any more of your discoveries or suspicions.

Quietly go See a lawyer to see what your divorce options are and what you might need to do for the best possible settlement. Start gathering financial info and make sure he's not running up bills on a shared credit card.  Start saving money in your own bank account. 

Im so sorry but its not going to get better otter. Start planning your escape.  Good luck.

Best of luck.  Good decision but yes, a very hard conversation. 

I'd do it by email myself, then block him.  He's so manipulative and you have such weak boundaries. 

If you do speak in person, make sure you can leave easily if he gets too angry and becomes verbally abusive.  If he tries the "you're abandoning poor lonely recently widowed me" stunt, remember the bunny and the gay cheating history and don't weaken and stay, consenting to be his new beard.

And maybe spend some time with a good therapist exploring why you were friends for 43 years with this toxic cheating man and found it so hard to see his toxicity even when he wanted to have sex with a man in front of you in a threesome, and hurt you physically.  That is not healthy.