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March 2, 2022 12:00 am  #1

Still wanting confirmation

Hi there! My story is pretty in depth but I will try to give the simplest version basically I feel like in my gut he is with another man but still hard for me to wrap my head around without confirmation.. would love outside thoughts. 

- Sexless relationship the last few years, when I would ask why.. he said he was tired or I didn't shower enough, etc.
- He never would really come on to me much either
- Never really jealous at all of any guy trying to flirt with me, etc  
- We for sure fell more into roommates than lovers at a point 

Clues when things spiraled: 
- He blamed me for giving him an STD (which when I got tested, I had as well). He had known he had it for over a week prior to saying anything to me. He said he didn't want to discuss who it was with or hear my story, etc he didn't want to discuss any of it. He broke up with me that night but that same night bought me pizza, cuddled me on the couch, etc. 
- The week after that he acted distant but normal, we still went out to eat, etc. then about a week later he flipped out on me and wanted me to stay away from the apt to give him space. I came back to the apartment the next day and there was a bottle of champagne in the trash. 
- A few weeks later his friend (guy) who he would talk about before posted a picture of him "saying happy birthday to the love of my life". It was reposted and then quickly deleted. 
- I then a few weeks later found a receipt that about 3 weeks after the breakup he purchased the following: a flesh light, jeweled butt plugs, lube, and a suction cup dildo (we had never used toys) 
- He was nice to me and friendly up until I confronted him about the toys via text then he completely shut me out 

What confuses me: 
- There were occasions in the beginning of the relationship where we watched lesbian porn together 
- On social media he has followed female model accounts, etc 
- My friend even saw him on tinder for a short period after the breakup 

There is a lot more to the story but in initial thoughts..does gay seem like a possibility? 

Thank you in advance for any thoughts. I can't seem to shake thinking about any of it. 

Last edited by otter284 (March 2, 2022 12:01 am)


March 2, 2022 12:48 am  #2

Re: Still wanting confirmation

Otter284, Im sure you know already but my reading of the situation is - yes he is gay. He won't have sex with you. He has been engaging in extramarital sex with at least one someone who has given him an STD that he has passed on to you. He had a male friend over for champagne and sexy toy time after he kicked you out for the night.

In short - He blames you for your sexless marriage; has compromised your health by bringing hone STIs and blamed you for it; he has angrily 'needed space' and kicked you out of your home so he can entertain his boyfriend; he has been angry with you for discovering he spent money on sex toys.

So ... what do you want, otter? More of this abusive garbage or a fresh start? Gather yourself a little support group of trusted friends or family. Find a counsellor or therapist to help you sort things out and formulate next steps or a plan.

Your partner wont ever tell you the truth and may become more angry, aggressive or violent if you confront him again with any more of your discoveries or suspicions.

Quietly go See a lawyer to see what your divorce options are and what you might need to do for the best possible settlement. Start gathering financial info and make sure he's not running up bills on a shared credit card.  Start saving money in your own bank account. 

Im so sorry but its not going to get better otter. Start planning your escape.  Good luck.

Last edited by Soaplife (March 2, 2022 12:55 am)


March 2, 2022 5:09 am  #3

Re: Still wanting confirmation

I’m sorry you’re going through this. But yes in my opinion he is gay. It’s difficult because even with all these signs pointing to the inevitable it’s still hard to come to terms with the situation. Especially when you’re partner won’t be honest with you and just tell you the truth. Just make sure you take care of yourself and know you’re not alone.


March 2, 2022 1:25 pm  #4

Re: Still wanting confirmation

Otter284, it isn't clear to me if you're married or cohabiting, but my instinct ... for what it's worth ... is that he's probably gay.  But, if he isn't -- would that really change anything?  He's sexually incompatible with you, regardless of whether it's explained by him being gay (as I said, I believe he is).


March 2, 2022 1:45 pm  #5

Re: Still wanting confirmation

Hi there - I appreciate the responses as again I just keep replaying the details in my head and wanted outsider opinions. Some friends/family keep saying oh well maybe he is bi, etc. but I am just in that want to understand it and to know. 

We are not married but cohabited for 6 years. 

     Thread Starter

March 2, 2022 3:12 pm  #6

Re: Still wanting confirmation

I continuously fall in and out of the wanting/needing to know the truth emotions. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. But I have to remind myself that’s it’s not worth losing my peace. Because it will drive you crazy. It makes you feel like you’re crazy. We have to learn to be ok with the fact that we may never know. I’m still trying to learn this. It’s definitely going to take a lot of time.


March 2, 2022 10:52 pm  #7

Re: Still wanting confirmation

otter284 wrote:

Hi there - I appreciate the responses as again I just keep replaying the details in my head and wanted outsider opinions. Some friends/family keep saying oh well maybe he is bi, etc. but I am just in that want to understand it and to know. 

We are not married but cohabited for 6 years. 

In that case, he is a horrible partner who is abusing you and you should definitely leave. You deserve better.


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