elle-
thanks for the affirmation. no, i am not speaking to anyone. i guess my excuse is finding the time, and right therapist. 
no, not speaking to friends or family about it. there are a few friends i have told, but not really opened up much. ive never told my family the real reason. well, i did tell one of my sisters. she is gay, so i opened up to her. she may have told my family, but no one has asked me about it. im a private person, and dont share alot to people in the real world. 

well its been 26 months and couple of weeks since d-day. 
I don't know what to say really. we haven't communicated in over a year. I've not spoke to her girls in almost 2 years. she has moved on with her new woman. I hear they bought a house. when i found out a couple of months ago that she had sold our house, that brought a new wave of hurt. it is what it is i guess. 
I've dated. I've had sex. I've took trips. I've bought things. truly have lived for me for the first time in my life. 
the void is still there. the lack of trust still rages in me. 
am i unhappy/happy? neither. its like I'm in purgatory. i am no closer to wanting to give myself to anyone now, than i was 2 years ago. 
the pain is still there. she is still the first thing i think of when i wake up, and the last thing i think of before i go to sleep.
i still miss the life i had. terribly. even knowing that some or all of it was a lie.
i just turned 49, and i have loved and lost.
so now im just thinking that i only need me for my happiness, and why bother trying again.
anyways.
 

lwh- 
their 15 and 12.
i truly hope that when they get older, they reach out to me, with or without their mothers blessing. as with a lot of kids, they want to make mom happy. more so than dads, and stepdads etc. so between them wanting to support their mom, their ages to some degree, and whatever else has got into their heads, its likely made them want to distance themselves from me. its not been right to me, or them, but I'm sure they'll find me again one day. 
thanks again. 

best friend-
without going into great detail ill say this. 
one for all, and all for one. relationships work in mysterious ways, but at its core, its based off teamwork. if you BOTH cant agree on the dynamics, then your only sitting in the corner, waiting for it to blow up again. its not a matter of if, but when. it sounds like regardless of what you say, he will do what he wants. so that leaves it like this, 
you either live being denied the attention that he wont give you, and suffer from the abuse that comes with that, or you slowly, painfully, regrettably move on. 

mm92-
im not the best at giving sound advice. been 15 months for me, and i still struggle. there are a lot of good people on here, that can give reassuring words. I've posted while sad, angry, bitter, and hurt. I'm still not in a happy place, but at least this place helps to not feel so fucking alone. someone posted somewhere that this isn't like normal infidelity. this goes much deeper. this isn't comparing apples to apples. yes pain is pain. cheating is cheating. but all of us here have suffered in a way that others will never truly understand. 
all i can say, is keep coming here. for support, understanding, validation, or just to sound off on what your feeling in that moment. i for one, have kept this as private as i can in the real world. i come here to get it off my chest. 
good luck brother.