Mybestfriendisbi wrote:

.......but he felt like I should try it too ......I’m confused if our marriage will work. He keeps saying he wants to be with me but he also says he wants to do kinky things with women that I won’t do ( and with men). It makes me feel not good enough.

Has anyone had success in this type of situation? I love my husband, but I am worried I will be on this rollercoaster of feeling like I’m not getting the attention I deserve if he is seeing men AND women. I know this may come off that I am unsupportive of him, but I am struggling.
Thanks all

 

Yes 10 years ago I 'supported' my partner when he expressed a desire to open up our 32 year r'ship and invite others into it.
Yes I was in love and totally trusted this man. 
Yes we had good times. 
Yes I felt wanted and desired. 
Yes it absolutely changed my life. 
Yes it totally ruined our r'ship.

He said there was 'stuff' he couldn't get from me (or I  wasn't willing to give him). He kept me on eggshells, a tightrope, deep water not being able to swim because I didn't want to lose him. 
Your husband wants you to be okay with him doing these things and believe me...you won't know you really hate how he's changed your life until it's too late. These men are entitled enough to think they deserve to have that ever-growing kernel of man-to-man desire as well as fuck up our lives. 

To have a true open r'ship you have to have 2 people who really see  each other, who know when something isn't right with the other spouse they should back the fuck off. Your husband won't see you pain and confusion if you're okay with him seeing others. He will take advantage of you and push your loyalty to it's limits. Mine did. And even when he seemed to respect my wishes that he not see the woman who gave him all the anal sex he wanted anymore ...I learned it wasn't me he respected it was his own entitled view of himself. 
It's difficult to say to somebody you love "this isn't right, I don't want this" when they're on their own discovery of themselves, and it may take you a long time to realise you're worth more than he thinks you are but take it from me ...you can't change who a person is at their core.

Elle 

Edited to say When I said "He kept me on eggshells, a tightrope, deep water not being able to swim because I didn't want to lose him" .....my partner wasn't aware I walked on eggshells or a tightrope. Nor was he aware of the deep emotional water I was in. He was empathetic only to the point of saying "there there...we'll be okay"....I don't think he's ever been able to fully appreciate why I feel like I do. And he never talks about it 





 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 23, 2021 10:29 pm)

I would never accept that sort of deal, nor would I offer it to my partner. That being said, it's not up to me to decide other peoples boundaries. If two people decide they are happy with this sort of arrangement, that's their business.

Ordinary Guy - you make a good point about self-control. The idea that a bi spouse must fulfill their needs with partners of both sexes is a bit dodgy to me.

To get back to the original poster, Mybestfriendisbi, you need to decide if this arrangement is something you can live with for the long term, or if it will eat you up from the inside. If it's the later, will your best friend choose to prioritize your mental health over his pleasure?

Ordinary guy wrote:

.If I have this level of self control as an adult, why can’t a “Bi” spouse show the same restraint,

Because these deceptive users are not adults. They only have mature bodies, not minds.
 

Lyla wrote:

Literally scratching my head wondering how anyone would even have the time for this....a wife, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. Does he not work...or have hobbies/friends/children to look after? 

You're both adults and get to decide what type of relationship you want (together...being the operative word)...but it really doesn't seem like this man treats you very well....Honestly, would it be so terrible if you fell for another man and got to experience a relationship where you're more than enough?

 

You are quite right Lyla. This woman deserves to be loved and respected, cherished and protected by a man who simply loves her more than himself. She is genuinely more than enough and more than her husband deserves. The very act of accepting an open marriage for the benefit of your partner alone is self demeaning and puts you in a position of dependency. The rules can change at any time as far as he is concerned. Today it’s the wife, tomorrow it’s another man, at the weekend it’s other women. Who knows, next week it could be kitchen utensils or agricultural equipment. Literally, fuck it why not! 

Oh, sorry Lyla. He does indeed seem to have a bit of hobby. Just makes stamp collecting look a bit tame.

4897 days...

Last edited by Ordinary guy (July 24, 2021 2:17 pm)

best friend-
without going into great detail ill say this. 
one for all, and all for one. relationships work in mysterious ways, but at its core, its based off teamwork. if you BOTH cant agree on the dynamics, then your only sitting in the corner, waiting for it to blow up again. its not a matter of if, but when. it sounds like regardless of what you say, he will do what he wants. so that leaves it like this, 
you either live being denied the attention that he wont give you, and suffer from the abuse that comes with that, or you slowly, painfully, regrettably move on.