Mybestfriendisbi wrote:

We have been married six years and my husband came out as bi last year. We love each other very much. He is attracted to doing sexual things with men but does not want deep love relationships - which would of course hurt me. We were open for about 7 months and I had brought the idea up to him to experience men, but he felt like I should try it too . I was open to it as well. Well, we ended up closing off the open marriage on my end because I can’t do friends with benefits and it was too much emotional connection with the men I was seeing

Yes for those completely against open marriages, I understand. But this is where we found ourselves and we went through counseling and a lot of reading and talking.

Here we are a year later and we decided he can still see men on the side, friends with benefits . But with him being bi, he also wants to see females. This makes me feel strange and like I would be craving more attention from him. When we were fully open, he was seeing men and women, but I was still not completely okay with the women part.


I’m confused if our marriage will work. He keeps saying he wants to be with me but he also says he wants to do kinky things with women that I won’t do ( and with men). It makes me feel not good enough.

Has anyone had success in this type of situation? I love my husband, but I am worried I will be on this rollercoaster of feeling like I’m not getting the attention I deserve if he is seeing men AND women. I know this may come off that I am unsupportive of him, but I am struggling.
Thanks all

Well he seems to have exactly what he wants and needs, so well done him. This is not an open marriage, this is the gay spouse doing whatever the hell he wants while you get the dinner on. Think about what you need in your life to be happy. Do not become a co-dependent to someone who obviously couldn’t give a damn about your happiness.

I’m sorry, this sort of abuse whips my shit up into a froth! If he loved you as much as you obviously love him, he would have told you he was gay before securing your services and not even entertain the idea of sowing his wild oats so broadly. You deserve the attention of an honest heterosexual man who will make your happiness his biggest consideration in his life. You do not have to put up with this. He is using you to hold his coat while he is seemingly banging anything with a pulse! TRUST ME, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.

I am serious about the use of the term abuse. If this was in the UK, it could be viewed by the CPS as psychological and/or emotional domestic abuse and a crime under the 2015 serious crimes act. The maximum jail term for this is five years. Abuse is not about the intent on the part of the potential abuser. It is about the affect on the victim. It is how it makes the victim feel and the potential psychological damage and scars it leaves. Do not love this man, he does not deserve to be in the same room as someone as genuine as you my love.

Ordinary guy

4896 days…

Last edited by Ordinary guy (July 23, 2021 12:25 pm)

That's wonderful, Gloria!

Dear Mybestfriendisbi,

This would not be for me. You don't have to do anything in a marriage you don't want to. I've noticed that if a spouse does something like this to please the other spouse, the pleaser turns the anger on themselves causing depression or explodes in anger against their spouse one day.

Take care

The question is, what's acceptable to you?  What's a deal breaker?  It sounds as if you have decided you can accept his f*cking men on the side, but you don't want him f*cking women on the side.  (I'm being very direct here because I think it's important not to gloss over the situation.)  I suspect you have been ok with his f*cking men on the side because in your head you consider the men as not a threat to your marriage but women as a potential threat.  You saw how when you were f*cking men outside of the marriage you got involved emotionally and you wanted to stay committed to your husband.

Now he's pushing up against what you've said you can tolerate to get you to agree to more. He claims that he can f*ck other people with no emotional investment.  Is this the marriage you want?  Is this kind of man the kind of man you want to be married to?  A marriage in which you've decided that for yourself you don't want to f*ck other men, but that your husband can f*ck anyone he chooses, men and women?   He sounds like a terrible person, frankly, without the capacity for empathy or emotional connection.  

 If you decide that's not for you (that, and the dangers of STIs he might bring home and give to you), then you have to decide what you're going to do when he goes and does exactly what he wants anyway.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 23, 2021 12:44 pm)

Yes, I can see that. Marriage means something to her and nothing to him. I think I must be an anachronism in my beliefs in regard to both love and marriage. It is the old question again. Would you have married this person if you had known about their homosexual desires? Hi darling, I’m a bit gay sometimes. Would it be OK if I sloped off for some sexual  affairs now and again? I just don’t get it. It has nothing to do with being gay and everything to do with trust, honesty and integrity. Being suddenly gay does not give you the right to adulterous behaviour with either men or women. An open marriage in relation to our TGT issues is just the cheapest divorce you can get while cohabiting where the straight spouse still has to wear the beard. The answer to the request for an open marriage should be to break it open and finish it. Why should anyone feel the entitlement to have his or her needs placed above the needs of another to this extent. I for one in all of my darkest moments over the years have avoided external emotional and physical advances from other women. If I have this level of self control as an adult, why can’t a “Bi” spouse show the same restraint, when they have a willing heterosexual partner very much in their lives. This is about “having your cake and eating it” to the detriment of another, without exception. Who actually signed up for a MOM from the get go? It just seems to be the thin end of the wedge, where one party gets to lever more and more concessions from another until you no longer know where you stand. Grrrrr!