I don’t know if this helps but I was like you when my wife came out and had her affair.  The uncontrollable sobbing and feeling of helplessness and loosing the love of my life etc are very familiar.  But after 4 years I am in a very different place. I’m happier and more at peace with my situation.

Based on my own experience I would advocate for you or preferably her to move out.  I think she should be the one because actions have consequences and it’s not your job anymore to be part of hers. Obviously this should be done as part of negotiated settlement. For me living under the same roof for 8 months was like hanging around at a party after everyone had left. Awkward, inconvenient and boring.   The urges that you have to be physical with your soon to be ex are not helpful to you and really impede your healing.  In contrast to what others have said I think it’s worse to be physical with her than say going on tinder. If you do start dating you should be honest about your situation and that removes any notion of being unfair.  But honestly you should give yourself at least months to get your head together. 

I know that the pain is excruciating and it’s hard to see a future.  But in time the pain recedes and with that you glimpses and you will be in happier place.

My advice wouid be i). While it’s possible your wife isn’t a lesbian and she is just going thru a phase and maybe a visit to a therapist would put your relationship  on a path to happiness.  But  in my experience it’s more likely that there is a fundamental change here that is irrevocable.  I would recommend therapy for you and not couples therapy. ii) don't ever reveal what you know and how you came to find out.  Chump lady is a good resource.

Dansm15 wrote : Just because she's Bi or Gay doesn't mean that your marriage can't work.

My advice is think carefully about what you want and what you're willing to do stay in a relationship with someone when they have indicated quite clearly that you are not their priority.

If you’re going to give an ultimatum you probably should at least be prepared for an outcome you don’t want.   In my case they were useless.  This should be about them going the extra mile to win your trust back.  Not you having compromise on the very thing you’re holding onto to save the relationship.

Happy birthday Lilly

Its certainly different when you get older and for me it’s been so much better.  So as far as that’s concerned  I am glad I’m no longer with my gay GID spouse. But I do regret that we will not be growing old together in the sense of being a couple/family.