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1 - Str8guy
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Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
It's been five days since we decided that divorce is the best course of action.
Each day has highs and lows. At this point I am tired crying and the feelings of hurt, loneliness, uncertainty, frustration, and about 20 more. First and foremost I / we know this is the right decision. The issue is more than just the bad sex. We have severe issues connecting because I am not able to fill her bucket nor she mine.
Last night the dam broke (again). My insecurities about being alone or not finding someone as good as her brought me to tears in the fucking grocery store parking lot. I feel myself not wanting to let go of her. It's easy to not want the bad parts of the relationship but she is my best friend. Sadly also my only real friend. Which is not fair to her to have to comfort me (which she is still drawn to do). Sometimes the ugly thoughts creep in like suicide. I know they are not good and I don't entertain them, but they still come knocking. She really is an amazing person. Everyone loves her, she has so many great qualities and is practically a local celebrity. All of her facebook posts get hundreds of likes. Not sure how I'm going to find someone nearly as good as her.
I never really liked facebook that much. I hate that I seek validation from it.
There is a part of me that wishes her world would come crumbling down and force her to stay with me so we can live miserably ever after together. In reality though I want the best for her. I want her to find love and be happy. Happier than I could ever make her.
Logically I know that any future relationship will most likely be better than the one I have here. Unfortunately my emotions do not care about logistics and I have work through them.
I desperately crave intimate touch, not just sex, but hugs, kisses and cuddling. She still is able to fill those needs really well. But I know I have to sever those connections. I need to not depend on her for that and learn to go without. What makes this even harder is that I work from home doing a tech job and I have very little human interaction. Yesterday I went to the gym, hardware store and grocery store. When I got home I realized I had gone the whole day without having a conversation with an adult other than the clerks giving directions or saying "Have a nice day." Fuck you and your nice day, this shit sucks. *sigh* No, don't fuck you, you don't know any better and you're just trying to do your job. Sorry I told you to fuck off in my head....
Moving forward we are converting my office in to another room for her new bedroom. It is joined to our/ my bedroom via the bathroom and another hallway. It will at least give us our own personal space to grow apart in. Beyond that? Having her sleep in another bed is going to be hard at first. We might finish the basement apartment for her to move in to, or if we can just make seperate rooms work then we will do that.
We still haven't worked out the details of the divorce yet. That is yet to come. Early signs show that we are both willing to split the assets and debt down the middle. We will both wait to collect on the equity on the house until we feel the need to sell the house.
I saw some advise on here to seek out antidepressants to dull the pain. I may need to do that.
It sucks having two people who love each other so much have to get divorced just because of this incompatibility. Love doesn't conquer all.... Sometimes love has to step aside and let shit settle first and then step in.
One fear I have is that I'm not strong enough to take proper care of myself. How long should I wait to start dating? Is it healthy to try to fill this massive void in my heart or should I wait? Part of me wants to just install tinder and "Netflix and Chill" to be intimate and maybe to cuddle.
We are supposed to enjoy the journey. I just want to fast forward my life one year and skip this. Would that be so bad?
- Leah
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
Dear Str8guy,
You certainly won't be the only one on Tinder trying to fill a need for cuddles and intimacy. And don't give yourself a hard time. It seems guys tend to move on more quickly than women, does it need to be made worse by judging yourself harshly? It sounds like you are very isolated. I can relate to that. It is hard when you have had a long marriage and made someone a big part of your world, the biggest in fact.
It seems like you are going to be seeing rather too much of your GX. Can you move out? Could she? Love is a much misunderstood emotion. Love is letting go too. I remember feeling that. I didn't want to cling. I tried to be strong. And I reached out perhaps prematurely to another lover which to be honest was life saving for me. I was so depressed and suicidal I'm not sure I would have survived. My counsellor said it wasn't my life I wanted ending, but the pain of this split/situation and that will end, but it does take some time. It is horrendous, but it does get better. Really it does. Slowly. I am not all better and rosy yet myself, but I'm not suicidally depressed anymore, so there is that!
Take care of yourself.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
Str8guy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you describe bursting into tears, just so you know, I'm close to two years post-discovery, and I still have this happen from time to time.
I tried to go back to the church I used to sing in the choir for -- it's the church we were married in, and even though most (not all) of my old friends are gone, there are people there I remember. But I can't make it through the service without uncontrollable sobbing. I tried a different church and the same thing happened, in fact I had to leave partway through the service because I didn't want to disturb anyone.
I'm not even a believer, by the way. It was just a really comforting and welcoming place, and I can't make it through a service.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
Str8t guy:
I don't remember all of the details of your domestic situation, but if you can get one of you out of the house you will be doing yourself a favor now and in the long run. Separation (and divorce) are crucial to your healing, and the longer you're living with her the longer you will prolong your own agony. Having her in a the basement apartment sounds like an even longer period of mindf*cking yourself.
If you can't for financial reasons begin living in separate places--not just separate areas in the house--it's going to make everything more difficult if either of you begins bringing romantic partners home. If you agree to begin reaching out via dating while you are still cohabiting and married, I would think it would be self-protective if you agreed not to bring partners into the joint living space (including a basement apartment!) or to talk to each other about your dates. You can both begin dating by making arrangements to meet in coffee shops or restaurants, or by attending sporting or cultural events, etc.
In the short run you can combat your feelings of isolation by making the effort to join something, because human/social interaction will help you re-integrate into life, even if you end up feeling as if you're going through the motions at first and feeling more isolated in your pain then ever.
This sh*t is hard. But you will get through it.
- Rob
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
I would not even consider dating until officially divorced..even if you feel ready I feel that is unfair to whomever you are dating.
Double so if still in the same house with your wife. The same house may be necessary for financial reasons..
Nothing wrong with being the lone wolf for awhile.
I used to sob in church all the time. Could still. Yes new churches are welcoming and some have tissues.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
I second Rob’s advice on dating. Its not fair to you either, because right now you aren’t the person you will be after the dust settles. My ex dated before she moved out, I didn’t. It was extremely painful to watch. She moved out after 3 months and it got better.
I didn’t date until I had a court date for the final divorce decree. I started meeting prospective dates about a month before and met my current wife four days before my divorce was final. We dated for 3-1/2 years before marrying this spring.
Be mindful about moving out. Who leaves the marital home can impact a judge if the divorce becomes contentious. I held my ground on staying in the marital home,
Hope this helps,
ADSJ
- lily
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
oh goodness, str8guy, I do feel for you. sorry to say it but the belief I have come to is that the more of a charmer they are, the worse they affect you. All I could think after reading your post is oh boy you are going to get a nice surprise when you have a girlfriend to whom you are a celebrity in her life.
"Do you realise X is emotionally abusive towards you?" that is what my lawyer said to me after a little while. No, no I hadn't realised. I hadn't even heard the term before let alone applied it to what was happening to me.
It has been happening to you and the good news in this is that it is just bruising and now you can start to recover.
She is taking your office as her bedroom. I guess this means you get to set your office up in your bedroom? Can you make your room a bunker?
Your place. The rest of the house is shared territory but your room is your own. Then set about the task of nailing those details of how the split will work. One step at a time, wade through the paperwork, the figures, make it your job to itemise the details and what I did was email the list to him and he would email back what he wanted and so on.
I had tried talking with him, I had tried sitting at the table with him and a hand written list for him to go through and still walked away with no answers, just talk. so I reverted to email and it worked in that it cut out the talk.
re anti depressants - if you can avoid them so much the better, imo, getting into nature helps, I liked sitting on a sandy bank with the sun sparkling on the blue river. walking in the forest is hard to beat.
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
Great advice Lily, the bunker, the email, the minimal contact. Str8guy I feel for you too. I can remember all the pain of 2014.
I’ve been on anti-depressants twice in my life and I’ve sworn off of them. They clouded my thinking. Diet, and nature for clear thinking. I don’t know why but whenever I’m troubled I find watching Venus rise in the western sky is extremely calming. It gets me thinking about the solar system, the beauty and scale and rhythm of the universe and helps me see my problems a little more objectively.
If you can find a mental space like that it can help.
All the best,
ADSJ
- Daryl
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
Just a few more ideas - if things like facebook bring you down, take a break from it. Don't get caught up in the competition or comparison. Consider disconnecting your spouse from your friends list but, if you're still working on stuff, talk to her about it first so that she understands why you're doing it.
Get out of the house - I don't mean move out. Get a hobby or some other activity that gets you interacting with the outside world on a regular basis. What that is depends on what you like to do (or want to try). Check out the libraries and rec centers for starters. You'll meet people with at least one shared interest and hopefully something you look forward to each week. Since you don't get the workplace social interaction, find something similar.
This is an emotional journey but I think you can do it. It all starts with the first step.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Laurence
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Re: Post divorce agreement. Reflection / Pain / Planning
I don’t know if this helps but I was like you when my wife came out and had her affair. The uncontrollable sobbing and feeling of helplessness and loosing the love of my life etc are very familiar. But after 4 years I am in a very different place. I’m happier and more at peace with my situation.
Based on my own experience I would advocate for you or preferably her to move out. I think she should be the one because actions have consequences and it’s not your job anymore to be part of hers. Obviously this should be done as part of negotiated settlement. For me living under the same roof for 8 months was like hanging around at a party after everyone had left. Awkward, inconvenient and boring. The urges that you have to be physical with your soon to be ex are not helpful to you and really impede your healing. In contrast to what others have said I think it’s worse to be physical with her than say going on tinder. If you do start dating you should be honest about your situation and that removes any notion of being unfair. But honestly you should give yourself at least months to get your head together.
I know that the pain is excruciating and it’s hard to see a future. But in time the pain recedes and with that you glimpses and you will be in happier place.