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June 11, 2019 11:26 am  #1


Bisexual or a Lesbian?

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and we have three beautiful children.  During the last year, she had become distant, complained about anything and everything I did (or didn't do), and starting hanging out with the mother of one of my children's good friends entirely too much.  Late nights, strong increase in alcohol consumption and other reckless behavior, etc.  This was a complete U-turn from the way our marriage had operated.

During our Spring Break trip with the kids in March, I finally gave up and started searching my wife's phone only to discover that my wife's relationship with this woman was an affair, including sexual contact.  I was furious considering that I had asked my wife previously (in a somewhat joking manner) whether she was in an affair with this woman, and my wife categorically denied it.  Of course, there were also some wedding vows that seemed to have been shattered without my knowledge.

The last 10 weeks have been extremely challenging, but with the aid of therapy, time, and some very deep breaths, my wife and I have calmed down from the initial anger and shock I experienced.  We are somewhat getting along.  We have also had some good discussions.  An affair is absolutely inexcusable, and I wish that no one has to endure the shock and awe I went through upon disclosure.  And unfortunately, the affair seems to be continuing but it seems that things are becoming very rocky between the two of them.

If there is any hope in salvaging our marriage (and I'm still not 100% sure that's the right thing to do given that I have been fed enough lies to last a lifetime), I need truth about my wife's sexual orientation.  She has told me that for "at least 20 years" she has fantasized about women, but her conservative parents and religious background caused her to bury those feelings.  But she has also said that she and I have had a great sexual relationship (which is true), and she still finds me and other men attractive.  Right now, she is choosing to identify herself as "bisexual" or "pansexual".  Those might be things I'm willing to work with provided we can agree to restore fidelity, but if she's a lesbian, our marriage is over and there's zero point trying to work on it.

The other thing I will add is that despite the last year of our marriage, we have had a lot of sunny days and smooth sailing from my perspective.  My wife and I have been great friends, sexual partners, and (setting aside this affair) have had great respect for and supported one another.  We have deeply loved each other.  We are both successful professionals, have a beautiful home, and three wonderful children.  I'm not quite willing to give up just yet, but if this does come to an end, we are both fortunate enough to have the financial wherewithal to be successful on our own.

Has anyone else grappled with this?  I would love to hear from you.

 

June 11, 2019 1:24 pm  #2


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

Hi blue bear,

I don't know how much reading you have done on this site but, sorry to say, your story fits the profile.  I am glad you recognise you have been fed a lot of lies - that's a head start.  So first question to ask yourself - do you think this will change, do you think she will stop this method of communication which involves feeding you a pack of lies and start talking honestly with you?  

your question - is she bisexual or lesbian,  is phrased as if this is a crucial difference but I think the line has shifted there, maybe the question you want to ask is is she lesbian or straight.

But what you are asking is if she is bisexual or lesbian and my answer to that question is she's both, she's a bisexual lesbian.  My guess is that the largest grouping in women who are same sex attracted is bisexual, ie they do not identify as lesbian in early adulthood, or sometimes ever.

My entirely speculative theory is that in relationship with their true sexuality bisexuals, both men and women, tend to be the submissive partner - that it's the femmes who are more able to and want to marry and have children.

But at the time, when I was still married to him and struggling to understand I just kept saying to my ex, whatever bisexual is it isn't straight and you should have told me.

So then he told me he'd changed his mind, he was 100% straight and I just ran as fast as I could from that point.

so now it is not about her it is about you.  What you can do to warm that blue bear up before he freezes.

wishing you the best of luck, this is all very painful there is some good stuff to come.

Look after yourself now,

all the best, Lily



 

Last edited by lily (June 11, 2019 1:26 pm)

 

June 11, 2019 2:45 pm  #3


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

Thanks for responding.  I guess I do see a difference between bisexuals and lesbians.  I'm just not sure if my wife is a lesbian and only has one foot out of the closet, using the "bisexual" or "pansexual" labels as cover.

So much confusion right now, in every aspect of my life.  Thanks for the support.  You are right that self-care and taking care of the kids is so important right now.  On the good news front, this motivated me to get back into running, and I've already knocked down a 10K and a half marathon.  So there's that.

     Thread Starter
 

June 11, 2019 3:57 pm  #4


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

Hi Blue Bear.   

I am sorry you are going through this.  

It was at the 15 year mark that my wife's attention towards me changed dramatically and sex became less and less frequent becoming more of a source for arguments.  Fast forward 5 years to year 20 after 3 years of her suffering from 3 years of legitimate medical conditions combined with severe anxiety about medical issues and at that 20 year mark my wife first told me she was bisexual and probably always has been.  2 months after that disclosure she told me she was now a lesbian, we were no longer going to have sex,  and she wanted a divorce.   

My opinion is whether you wife was bisexual and is now a lesbian or if she has always been a lesbian in denial that now she is going live a lesbian lifestyle.    The "I'm bisexual" seems to be used to buy time for them to become comfortable being gay and keep the straight partner on the hook.   You need to take care of yourself and your children and realize that what your wife thinks is best for her may not and probably will not be what's best for you and I would even question if your children are her first priority.    When the closeted individual come out of the closet they are like college kids let loose on spring break.  They are not thinking like mature adults regardless of their age. 

Don't be surprised if she starts rewriting the history of your relationship.  Hang tight to the pleasant memories don't let her rewrite your past.    Your future might not be what you expected but your past is your narrative not hers. . 

Last edited by itsabouther (June 11, 2019 3:57 pm)

 

June 11, 2019 5:53 pm  #5


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

ah.  so I guess you believe bisexuals are attracted to both male and female but I don't believe it.  

For all the mating attractions bisexuals experience, going towards one sex then the other, it has to be steady at the simple level of physical attraction, it has to be one or the other, doesn't it?  It's like a magnet - how can you be attracted and repulsed at the same time.

Or put it another way - how do you feel about having sex with another man?  Not gonna happen is it.  I know I just got no interest in having sex with a woman, no thanks is how I feel.  

When I wrote that last post I was shocked afterwards to find myself remembering how I felt in my 40's still married and not even heard the term bisexual.  I had gone for a walk and turned to go home and I started back up the hill and had this thought about my marriage - it's like I'm wearing an ill-fitting shoe.  

It was getting really painful to walk in.


 

 

June 11, 2019 7:28 pm  #6


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

It shouldn't be just about restoring fidelity, although that's a big deal. You also shouldn't have to be made to feel that everything you do is the wrong thing. The distance has to close. The late nights and reckless behaviour need to change. It should be about creating a satisfying and joyous life together. For that I think everyone needs to go 'all in'. If not, what have you created? Best of luck!

 

June 11, 2019 7:30 pm  #7


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

itsabouther wrote:

You need to take care of yourself and your children and realize that what your wife thinks is best for her may not and probably will not be what's best for you and I would even question if your children are her first priority.    When the closeted individual come out of the closet they are like college kids let loose on spring break.  They are not thinking like mature adults regardless of their age. 

Don't be surprised if she starts rewriting the history of your relationship.  Hang tight to the pleasant memories don't let her rewrite your past.    Your future might not be what you expected but your past is your narrative not hers. . 

^This. The college student on Spring Break is a bullseye of a comparison.

I think that the worst thing about all of this (second only to me stitching all of this together and discovering what was truly going on) was the surgical dissection of my every “fault” and “mistake” I had committed, which she claimed led her to the inevitable decision to have an affair with a woman. It was all my fault. The discovery is a stab to the heart and soul, but the fabricated laundry list of bullshit I received immediately after discovery was even worse. I was hurt and vulnerable, and then kicked like an injured puppy.  By far, the worst experience of my life.

     Thread Starter
 

June 11, 2019 7:31 pm  #8


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

Daryl:  Thanks for your reply, and I agree 100%.

     Thread Starter
 

June 11, 2019 7:37 pm  #9


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

Blue Bear,
    the worst thing about all of this (second only to me stitching all of this together and discovering what was truly going on) was the surgical dissection of my every “fault” and “mistake” I had committed, which she claimed led her to the inevitable decision to have an affair with a woman. It was all my fault.
    What you are saying is right out of the cheater's handbook, whether gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or any other of the five million new sexual identities.
    You need to go and spend some time on Chump Lady.  She anatomizes these moves with a very sharp scalpel.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 12, 2019 8:17 pm)

 

June 12, 2019 8:01 pm  #10


Re: Bisexual or a Lesbian?

Great suggestion!  I wrote a letter to Chump Lady, and she responded quickly. She told me she would respond to my letter. Stay tuned...

Her website is fabulous, by the way. I’m going to pick up her book.

Last edited by Blue Bear (June 12, 2019 8:02 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

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