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March 6, 2019 11:14 am  #1


Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

I'm new here and new to the world of MOM (as in, <1 week). I have some questions, and I apologize if these have been addressed elsewhere here, but I've been searching here for a couple days and haven't found anything aligning my situation closely enough.
My wife told me she is a lesbian. It was a calm, amicable discussion, and she was good about answering questions before I even had to ask them (like, "are you sure?" and "why now?"). She seems like she wants to stay together, but she's largely leaving it up to me. We own a house and have three kids (between 4 and 14 yrs old) and we get along pretty good. So...
1. Can I ask her to leave?
Like a cheating spouse, she's the one who has altered our relationship, and she has family and friends she could live with, so it seems she should be the one to go. She did mention that if she left she would be relinquishing her claim on the house (which seemed a weird thing to say - her name is on the papers we signed when we bought it). She also has very little money of her own - I made 95% of our income last year (and I know because we just had our taxes done), though I am fine with giving her as much money as I can, including selling lots of stocks and letting her have 2 of our 3 cars. She could also bolter her income by working more than the 2-5 hrs/week she works now.
2. Is staying together a viable option?
My own parents stayed together about 15 years longer than they should have, but that was largely to save face and maintain good standing in our religious community. Unlike my parents, my wife and I don't hate each other, we're also not religious, so we have no compunctions from the "divorce is a sin" angle. We do have kids - and one of them has an anxiety disorder that surely won't be improved by any huge changes - but I'm not sure how much to sacrifice to keep my kids calm and happy until they're all 18 (which is 13 years away for the youngest). Staying together seems...unsustainable. So maybe cut my loses now instead of a decade from now?
3. If she stays, what about sex?
I can't picture myself ever hiring a prostitute, and after 20 years of marriage I have no clue how to find another partner to be physical with, nor do I know how to broach the topic of me having a lesbian wife back home - seems like it would turn off any woman from wanting to be my partner. She did offer a few suggestions (porn! masturbate more!) but there seems to be some reason why those are not quite as fulfilling. Or am I just being a typical, selfish, hetero- man who immediately starts worrying about sex at a time like this? I also want her to be satisfied in this area of life - and I imagine she would be similarly hampered in finding a relationship.
Any thoughts are appreciated. I guess I'm just looking for information about what you have done, or possibilities I am not considering, or just a pointing to resources. Also, I have Asperger's, so if this seems too cold and logical - I assure you, I am depressed, anxious, and frustrated about all of this, it just doesn't come across.

 

March 6, 2019 5:46 pm  #2


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Hi Z - that was a very well written post, no problem understanding at all.  

one of the characteristics that we share from being in a MOM is the belief our marriage is pretty special.

We're particularly good companions, we get on particularly well.  

I didn't even realise I had this sense of our marriage as special until later - for me it was normal, normal to be married and I think that sense of it being special stems from how our partner feels about the marriage - they are going against the grain of themselves in being married to someone of the opposite sex, doing something special, whereas for us it is normal.

I have read a lot of stories now and I think you will find more commonality with time.  Anxiety and depression - I got those and I was susceptible to taking on the responsibility and fault but that's really all I contributed - it was situational, and the day to day of it improved enormously as I separated from him. 

So what was her answer to the question why now?  Usually it turns out to be the support of a girlfriend.  Whether that is the case or not, clearly your wife is well prepared for the disclosure.

Questions like can I ask her to leave - yes you surely can make staying in the home a priority but please talk to a lawyer and do the whole financial separation thing properly.  You will thank yourself from the future.  Be generous to yourself.  You know you can always give her more if you want to but you are not going to be able to ask for it back if you give too much.

Sex is inherently massively important - you sound like a straight of the monogamous variety, why not aim for what you want and need, and it seems to me only natural this will help your children too.

What you are experiencing now is deeply upsetting so look after yourself and know it will get a lot better with a bit of time.
 
Wishing you all the best, Lily 



 

Last edited by lily (March 6, 2019 5:52 pm)

 

March 6, 2019 10:45 pm  #3


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Hi Z, welcome to the community.

In January of 2018 my wife of 15 years told me that she was attracted to a female coworker and wanted to act on it.  I loved her dearly and I told her that if she needed that experience that I would stand by her.  Over the coming months I felt her pull more and more away and she seemed like she could not get enough of being with other women.  I did my best to support her in a way that would shelter things from my 10 and 14 year old daughters. 

The more I attempted to put boundaries in place the more she pulled away and the more I caught her in times of lying and carrying on behind my back. 

Things culminated one night in late July when my wife decided to take advantage of me working nights and have her girlfriend over to our home.  My oldest daughter knocked on the master bedroom door and heard her Mom and a distinctively other female voice inside the room engaged with each other. 

My oldest didn’t know what to do, she was so upset by the encounter that she slept outside the house in the backyard. 

My daughter later came to me and told me that she had been scared to tell me because she feared that by her telling me that it would cause me to divorce her Mom. 

I talked to my wife about it and she refused to stop being with women.  She continued her encounters and it meant that my oldest was now aware of her Moms actions and now trying to keep her younger sister from finding out about her Mom’s evening activities.

My oldest pleaded with her Mom to stop, she said that she didn’t like this new Mom or the new way she now dressed or how she seemed locked away or angry all the time.

My daughter then began feeling guilty as she began wishing that I and her Mom would get a divorce.

My wife told me that she newer wanted to have sex with me again but that she wanted to stay married and she wanted to continue to date women and was fine if I went and found my own girlfriend.  With my oldest aware of the situation and mindful of what impact we had already had upon her and could potentially continue to have on her future adult relationships I asked my wife to stop seeing women.  I offered for us both to be celibate.  She wasn’t open to that and stated she would be filing for divorce.

That was August and nine months later we are still in the middle of a very turbulent divorce.   We attempted a “nesting arrangement” having us as parents alternate living in the household the kids permanently live in.  We did that arrangement from September to the end of January and I would not recommend that arrangement for anyone.

All that being said here’s what I would say to your questions:

Q: 1. “Can I ask her to leave?”  A: Absolutely, and from experience that’s so hard.  My wife messaged a group of our mutual couple friends and “came out” telling them she would be seeking a divorce.  Even then to them I was like “maybe we can do some marital counseling?”  Z, you will go through every stage of grief from bargaining like I just described to times of anger, panic and depression. 

You are going to need a strong support system.  Close friends and extended Family are great but at times can their can be biassed with them telling you what they think you want to hear rather than what is heathy or practical for you to hear. 

  If you decide to go the route of her moving out I recommend the book “Uncoupling (how to survive and thrive after a breakup or divorce” by Sara Davidson.   Chapter 2 of the book discusses creating your support team.

Q. “2. Is staying together a viable option?”  A: Z, you have to examine your situation.  A MOM wasn’t a great option for our family.  There are many on this forum who have found ways.  I like information so when we where trying to make things work in an open marriage I read “Opening Up (A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships) by Tristan Taormino.  The book does a good job of defining different open relationships and has discussion of boundaries and relationships contracts so that you can read through and decide if this type of relationship could be something that you can do. 

Keep in mind that it takes two committed parties to make a contract and open relationship work.

Q.  3. “If she stays, what about sex?.”  A: Z, I can’t help you much in this area.  For a period, in my mind, our marital sex life improved once my wife was with other women.  It was fleeting.  In the now 14 months since my wife was first sexually with a women she has gone through a couple different same sex relationships.  The night my wife told me she wanted a divorce I was feeling low and lost and I found comfort in physically being with a friend of a friend.  That was over six months ago and since that time I have chosen to be single.  Relationships or hookups are out there, and I know it would be comforting.  I also know that it’s important right now for me to establish myself, find me, and not numb everything I am going through right now by plunging into a new relationship.

As far as all the rest, the depression, the anxiousness and frustration go, I can identify with all of it.   Mine was pretty bad.  I’d say personally I’m just now starting to pull out of depression and that’s because I hit an absolute low.  Having hit that it left me no where else to go but up.  I’ve given myself permission to be okay with mediocre.  I don’t have to be amazing at everything right now.

Here’s an excerpt from my DivorceCare program about Energy Distribution.  I found it helpful in understanding the days when I find myself stuck thinking about everything “I should be doing” but no energy to do so:

“Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.”

Hopefully that and my experience provides some help.  Welcome to the forum.


“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” 
 

March 7, 2019 1:19 am  #4


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

I just want to say Byhiswounds...awesome in-depth post   


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 7, 2019 10:23 am  #5


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Thanks for the responses. It's good to hear what some others have experienced or thought.
To Lily - Yes, I'd say I'm monogamous, so I can't see myself "playing the field," more...finding someone new.
Her reasons for not saying anything until now were long, but logical. A very conservative upbringing meant sexual possibilities were not something she could explore, and even though she's felt something was off for the past decade or so, she was lying to herself for most of it. Then she thought maybe she is bi-. She wanted to say something four or five months ago, but didn't want to ruin our Xmas (especially since I took off from work for nearly two weeks, so we were together a lot late December/early January).
ByHisWounds - Thanks for your story. That was interesting and it helped me gain another perspective. I like that quote you provided, and - as a voracious reader - I love any book suggestions. I'll look into getting a copy of those today.
My wife and I talked for a while last night, and it seems she was reluctant to leave for a few days because she was worried I would change the locks and not let her back in. I assured her I hadn't even considered that, and that I just wanted to be apart for a few days and she (unlike me) has friends and family she can go to.
I guess the strangest emotion right now is anger. Sadness, anxiety, and frustration make more sense, but I'm not sure where to direct anger. I understand this isn't her fault (and she has not started a relationship with anyone else, so I can't even get upset with her for cheating on me), but I'm still mad.

     Thread Starter
 

March 7, 2019 11:46 am  #6


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Zyxwvut wrote:

I guess the strangest emotion right now is anger. Sadness, anxiety, and frustration make more sense, but I'm not sure where to direct anger. I understand this isn't her fault (and she has not started a relationship with anyone else, so I can't even get upset with her for cheating on me), but I'm still mad.

 
Anger has been hard for me in this situation too.  I mean, yes, I have been angry before, but I am usually pretty even natured. The anger with this stuff now, though—it is so so so strong that I just do not know what to DO with it, and small things will really set me off.  If I felt angry in the past, I could work through it by telling the story to a friend.  if I got mad at one of my teens and raised my voice, it was short lived and not the norm so I could apologize and hope the norm would heal that tension.

So the anger now is just so strong—like all my emotions are.  And I have realized that the things that tend to make me angry from the past are when I feel hurt or treated badly or talked down to—when someone treats me like I do not matter.. And that is what is happening to us straight spouses.  Some of us have found evidence of cheating.  Some of us only have a verbal statement from a spouse who has seemed our friend.  But in all cases, even as we try to tell ourselves “It is not their fault,” we still are facing that now, we do not matter. We do not matter to them as they do to us. Our past investment in our relationship, and our future dreams no longer matter apparently.  So the anger is ourselves speaking up for ourselves, “I DO MATTER! AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO MATTER TO YOU MOST OF ALL!”

That sense of hurt is so deep.  And the hurt comes out with just overwhelming, gut-wrenching, doubled-over grief and sadness AND with anger.  It is helping me to think of anger as coming from the same place as my grief.  I have been hurt beyond normal stuff, so it  makes sense that my emotions would also be way beyond normal.

All of these emotions—and especially the anger—are ways of self protecting. I try to recognize the anger as that—a way to protect myself. I am trying to listen to the anger and use it to help myself be stronger, to create protections for myself for the future.  I am not good at that, because the anger is very scary to me for some reason.  But I am trying to listen  to it and channel it.

A friend sent me this quotation from Thich Nhat Hanh

If you feel irritation or depression or despair, recognize their presence and practice this mantra: “Dear one, I am here for you.” You should talk to your depression or anger just as you would to a child. You embrace it tenderly with the energy of mindfulness and say, “Dear one, I know you are there, and I am going to take care of you,” just as you would with your crying baby.

 

March 7, 2019 4:06 pm  #7


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

thanks for that eloquent description of anger, onmyOwntwoFeet.  yes exactly - why didn't I matter to you.

I have a friend, she is in a similar trap to where I was - everyone thinks her husband is so nice and cute and good guy but he isn't, he is stealing her sweetness and passing it off as his.  Making her look like the contrary one.  when actually she's the one who really is a sweetheart.

And we buy into that sort of stuff because I would look inside myself and yes I am feeling angry, I must be contrary, he's so nice and in my disenfranchised stateI never thought to turn it around and think I'm feeling angry because of the way he's treating me.

I think intent matters.  We start out believing we do matter to them, of course we do, it's just a glitch in the expression and end up recognising we are collateral damage.  or a twist worse for a lot of us - deliberately targeted to soak up the punishment for as long as we'll take it.

so the steadfast, the loyal, the loving the giving the generous and strong ones end up in a shitload of pain anger and confusion.  what a world!

I remember this afternoon.  I had recently moved into my own home and I lay on the carpet and cried my eyes out and I was so upset and angry and all I could think was the luxury of it, how glad I was that I could do it now - lie on the living room carpet and cry my eyes out.  It's a regaining of self.

Last edited by lily (March 7, 2019 10:12 pm)

 

March 10, 2019 12:50 am  #8


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate it.

     Thread Starter
 

March 10, 2019 11:51 am  #9


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Hi Z,  sorry that you’re here.  I would add a couple of things.  Firstly,  the anger, grief etc will dissipate over time.  Now I’m so glad to be out of that relationship and being divorced was the best option for me and the kids.
Secondly,   Making momentous decisions about finances etc is tough when your in so much pain etc.  The flip side is that your spouse is likely feeling on top of the world. So get yourself good legal advice because your wife is likely to Be way ahead of you. I think it’s good to take the high road and be fair etc.  but don’t be a doormat.  Your feelings will change over time.
Be gentle on yourself and it does get better !

 

March 13, 2019 11:05 am  #10


Re: Breaking News: My wife is a lesbian - Now I have questions

Those are good suggestions, thanks Lawrence.
And you're right about my wife being ahead of me on this thing - since she came out to herself ~6 months ago, she's already had time to grieve over the life she had.

     Thread Starter
 

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