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March 18, 2020 8:37 am  #1


Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

To date, I have what I would call the 'perfect' marriage.  We have traveled the world, never fought, do everything together, and are best friends. We have been together for 5 years and married just over 1.5 years.  My wife is a medical resident looking at furthering her education in a fellowship. Her life is filled with stress that I cannot begin to relate to. Without the back story of how I found out, my wife has admitted that she has been exploring her feelings towards another female.  They closely work together, as this person is a doctor above her.  My wife and her friend started out just as friends and then discovered that they feel something more that they want to explore.  In the short time that they have known each other, they have been intimate with each other and are using the word of love.  Talking to my wife, she wishes that this never happened for what it has caused between us, but she is not willing to stop this due to the fact that she does not understand what she truly desires.  She is in query.  She is horribly scared to potentially lose me as her best friend but doesn't want to hold on, only to figure out down the road that she is bisexual/lesbian.

I am left to my own demise and trapped in my own mind for the following reasons:
1)  She truly does not know what she wants (me or her) and I have told her that I will give her time to figure this out.
2)  If she does choose her, my wife is worried that her future job could be compromised if people were to figure out that she was in a relationship with someone above her...saying this...I love her so much that I do not want to risk the IMMENSE effort she has put into her career and jeopardize her future...I have told her that I will not expose the truth, which means that I cannot talk to my closest friends everything that is going on.
3) I do realize that this is new and exciting for my wife.  This is a scary part of any relationship because the feelings of infatuation often fade out reasoning. 

I want my wife to choose me.  Am I wrong for giving her time to figure this out? I don't even know how much time this could ever take. 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

March 18, 2020 11:36 am  #2


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

Adam,
I am sad for the pain you are going through.  But welcome to the forum.  You will find helpful people here who have gone through similar situations.  

Here are my thoughts based on what you've said and what I've experienced and what I've read on this forum. 

(1)  Your wife was honest with you about her feelings (albeit unresolved).  I think the worst scenario is when someone in a heterosexual relationship is bi or gay and will not admit it. 

(2)  Notwithstanding the above, your wife cheated on you.  With a co-worker who is her superior.  I worked at a large company for years, and that is not tolerated.  The person who loses their job is usually not the manager.  Your wife may be putting her career in jeopardy for this affair.  

(3)  You say that she wishes this never happened but she doesn't want to stop.  It sounds to me that she wants it both ways.  Where does this leave you?  Not in a good place, that's for sure. 

(4)  You definitely need to talk to someone.  I kept my soon-to-be-ex husband's secret in for almost two years and it caused me significant emotional turmoil that is going to take me a long time to overcome (maybe never).  If you can't confide in friends, you need to find someone else to talk to.  I would suggest counseling.  Don't just go to a marriage counselor.  We did that (he located a therapist who was sympathetic to "alternative lifestyles") and she sided with him and assured him that all the bizarre things he was doing were normal.  That made me feel even worse.  Find a therapist of your own that you are comfortable with. 

(5)  Based on what you've said, it appears your wife is either a lesbian or bi-sexual.  Is she really taking time to figure this out, or is she stalling for time to hold on to you for whatever reason? 

You need to think of yourself and that is not selfish.  This website is a terrific source.  Read through the posts on the forum and you may find some advice and comfort. 

 

 

March 18, 2020 12:00 pm  #3


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

Thank you for your reply. 

I have one question for you to follow up.  My wife claims that she does not understand yet whether she is attracted to men or women more.  There is no contest that she would ever explore another relationship with a man and I truly believe that.  Is it wrong to give her time to figure this out?

     Thread Starter
 

March 18, 2020 12:35 pm  #4


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

Due to the fact that this woman is in the same field as your wife and is in a superior position to hers I would suggest that there is a possibility this is infatuation rather than sexual attraction.

If you have not already done so talk with your wife to determine if she has been sexually attracted to women before or has had female crushes. She is an adult but this could be a situation where a more experienced person has put her in a position where she feels flattered and loved. This is why schools and colleges now have rules in place to stop teachers and professors from too close one-on-one relationships.Years ago some faculty members had a new one every year. This might not be the first inappropriate relationship this doctor has had if she is so willing to cross this line.

If your wife will take time away from this relationship to figure out what's going on it would be good for both of you but if she wants to continue with it while keeping you on hold you could be making a big mistake.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

March 18, 2020 4:37 pm  #5


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

I did the pick me dance for a  awhile.  It was demeaning..like she was a god or supreme being and i had to bed like a dog.
I dont think that is how someone that loves you is supposed to treat you.

Im not saying be mean or arrogant but dont let her make you grovel and beg while she is "deciding".
I can look back and see how futile my actions were..flowers, jewelry, affection etc..  Just remember you are "enough" and are worth more than she can comprehend.  Maybe ask her why hurting you feels  so right to her. Ask yourself if you can live with someone who has no problem hurting..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 18, 2020 4:53 pm  #6


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

If she valued your relationship she would have brought any conflicted feelings she was having to you and engaged in a conversation. She wouldn't have acted on it. She cheated on you. If you wouldn't be okay coming second to another guy why would coming second because it's a woman feel any better? You'd still be second. And waiting on her to make up her mind. You want to feel like she settled for you? She's showing you who she is and what she thinks of you. Believe her. And still, despite this, despite our opinions, the only question that really matters is this. Is this acceptable to you?

 

March 18, 2020 11:55 pm  #7


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

Adam wrote:

I have one question for you to follow up.  My wife claims that she does not understand yet whether she is attracted to men or women more.  There is no contest that she would ever explore another relationship with a man and I truly believe that.  Is it wrong to give her time to figure this out?

She may be bisexual. She can be sexually attracted to both men & women. There is nothing wrong with that.

It comes back to what you want to do. You thought you had a straight wife & that has changed.

Take care.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 23, 2020 7:03 am  #8


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

Hi Adam,

I am sorry you are going through this as its a truly miserable place to be. Its disorienting initially but things will become clearer with time as you acknowledge the change in circumstances.  My advice is that I would start to focus on you and your well being with laser like precision.  Your wife has chosen someone else.  It’s devastating and heartbreaking but waiting around a playing the choose me dance is not productive.  Look back through the old posts on this site and also on surviving infidelity and chump lady.  Our spouses behavior and our responses follow a well worn path.  The hardest thing to deal with I think is the inconsistency between what they say and how they act.  You’ve only been married for a relatively short time and already the vow forsaking others is out the window.

Be gentle with yourself, focus on you, take stock and begin to rebuild for better happier life ahead of you.
Good luck !

 

April 5, 2020 9:40 pm  #9


Re: Heterosexual male being told his wife is bisexual - Please help

Two words.  Get and Out.

 

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