It sounds like you're going to suffer either way -- you leave your marriage and you might face judgement and ostracizing.  If you stay in this marriage, how much will your mental and emotional health suffer?  What about that of your kids, as they watch a dysfunctional marriage? Which is worse?  

I agree with OutofHisCloset--thinking about what my kids were SEEING in our marriage is what made me finally realize it's ok to leave. I finally told myself, I cannot be everything my children need if I stay in this marriage.  If all of my energy and emotions are being poured into him, or "survival" mode, what is left for me to give to them?  Likely, their father cannot be what they need either.  While I feel like my experience pales in comparison to what many here have gone through, I still recognized that he lied, that he traumatized me, that I no longer trust him, and frankly, I no longer feel that loving devotion that I felt in the first weeks post-disclosure.  I might feel like I love the person I thought he was--but he's not that person now, and I don't love the person I've seen him be in this last year since disclosure. Fight or Flight - and my mind is now trying to flee.  

Like Julian said about her MIL - we deserve to feel true, unadulterated love.  A love that doesn't break our boundaries, our trust, our hearts.

If you haven't watched Firefly Lane, but are thinking about it, I wanted to offer warning that there is a side story that might need a trigger warning.  There are actually a few other issues addressed that might be triggers for other people, but specifically for straight spouses, just know that it seemed to go from a minor side story to playing a major part in one episode, and I spent that entire episode sobbing.  

(I've never read the books, so I don't know if these parts were added or not.)

MillennialMess wrote:

One thing I’m struggling with so far is separating him/our relationship and what he’s done to me. I can’t reconcile it to make sense- maybe it never will. But besides the obvious way of being a bad husband- he wasn’t a bad husband if that makes sense. He was kind, wanted to spend time together and plan things he thought we would enjoy, helped around the house ect. Even as we divorce, he still offers to come help me shovel snow ect. As my mom said “besides him being an asshole- he’s not being an asshole”. I think you all know what I’m saying. But then I think all the other thoughts- the lies, cheating ect. And I just don’t understand- how is it the same person?

I've thought about this a lot, as I had the "perfect marriage" in everyone's eyes.  When it first came out, I was blindsided, I had a great marriage, he was great to me, it wasn't possible.  My husband isn't a bad person.  The good was there, and that's all I chose to see.  Hindsight is 20/20 though, and once I stepped out of the fog of denial, little things made more sense.  I think these "great spouses" have gone out of their way to put on the appearance of being a great spouse.  I can't speak for your husband, but mine would go out of his way to get attention, to be seen, to get validation, approval, show the good things he did.  My husband too, was bullied a lot growing up and I think some of his issues stem from that...kind of a "f--k you, I turned out great and have the best life" mentality.  But really, I wonder if it was like he was so miserable inside, he would do whatever he could to make people like him, to make people see him as a good person, and maybe to see him as the Model Straight Husband and Father.  So I was seeing all the good, because he went out of his way to make the good known....but this made me doubt myself when I questioned the not so good things that bothered me.  Not wearing those rose-colored glasses an

Well, I'm only a few years older than you.  I've noticed that I am one of the youngest people on the forum until now.  I thought this whole thing was a thing of the past, that this wasn't a prevalent issue in our generation.  How wrong I was, obviously.  

I did get married much younger though, and we started a family almost right away--so here I am 15 years of marriage and four kids later, almost one year post-discovery (of his being attracted to men, no proof or reason to believe he's cheated though), and wondering when I'll finally have the courage to walk away from what was the "perfect marriage" that is now destroying me.   

You had so much stolen from you. Your story is real, your feelings are real.  Find someone to talk to that doesn't invalidate your feelings.  Post here.  Even if we are different ages, or at different stages of life, those here, we understand your pain. 

ETA:  I know you don't want to hear "at least it happened now...." but in my case, I guess I am kind of glad it happened now, rather than another 10+ years down the road.  Even though I didn't go into parenting with the intention of being a stay at home mom, it was what eventually happened.  (I stayed home for about a year after the second was born, went back to my former position for about a year, and then quit for good--then we had two more children.)  Now I've been home for around a decade, and the thought of going back into the work force is scary.  I cannot imagine if I'd been out for 20-30 years.  There is a lot of stigma associated with being a young, divorced woman (with or without kids) and it's all so scary.  But scarier is the thougth of giving him more of my life after he stole so much already.  I just want to find the strength to move on and put this all behind me to the best of my ability. 

Epiphany wrote:

He gets this attitude when he shares things and then I want to discuss them further and says “see this is why I can’t share stuff with you”. I asked him why me wanting to discuss things further is an issue? Like why does he feel he needs the counselor to come to his truth? I think he’s afraid of saying something that will make me upset but what he needs to understand is I’m going to get upset! And that’s normal. Just cause it’s hard or uncomfortable doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be talked about..

This!! My husband says all the time if I ask a question or ask to discuss something further, "Why, so you can you just use it against me later?" This angers me for two reasons.  

1.) This is blame shifting, making uncomfortable conversations MY fault?  NO.  
2.) You don't get to say whatever you want, and expect me to accept it at face value.  You've already proven you aren't trustworthy 

My husband would rather give the silent treatment (which is a form of emotional abuse) than talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable.  It's like if he says one thing he knows he's lying, if he says something else it'll either hurt me or make him look like the bad guy.  He doesn't want me to have "ammunition" so to speak, especially if I talk to my one confidant, because it'll "make him look bad." (Not his words - but definitely how he thinks.) Well guess what, he IS the bad guy right now.  We're not in this shit show because of anything I did.  Well...I've stayed when I now wish I'd already left, so I'll take the blame for that.  

We have had those emotional ups and downs too.  When he senses me pulling away, I feel like he drops a "token effort" to try to make me think he cares.  The last time I made it clear I have started to emotionally detach and want to separate, he texted me the next day that we should try marriage counseling.  Now?  NOW he wants to try? I think it's because he feels himself losing his grip on me.  I d