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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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January 8, 2021 12:53 pm  #1


Feeling alone in this

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to this group, just found it yesterday. I’m a 41 year old Mother to 3, married almost 19 years to my highschool best friend turned boyfriend then husband. We love eachother DEEPLY. When we were friends in highschool I knew he had a boyfriend for a short time. He used to tell me all about it while I was in my relationship with my 1st boyfriend...who get this, is now openly gay. I’m fact, my now husband even shared with me eventually that him and my ex had oral sex at one point during my relationship with my ex. My husband used to tell me though, that he would someday marry me and he had plenty of girlfriends as well...so I obviously knew he was Bisexual.

When we decided to take the plunge and move our friendship of 3 years to dating...it was magical, fast, passionate. He told me he had no more desires for men...his ex even attempted to come onto him and he not only denied him, but shared it with me. We had our first daughter at a very young age, I was 21 and he was 20. When she was 1, he left me for a short period, stating that he had fallen out of love with me. During this time I was battling post partum depression so blamed myself, got medicated, and “won” him back after only 2 weeks of separation. Looking back, I do remember him becoming extremely close to a male co-worker and my best friend (also his best friend, a female)...telling me that she remembers him talking for long periods of time on the phone with someone else (noticed at parties etc). Fast forward to 2002, we are pregnant with our second daughter and married in Jamaica. He’s still very much into me...I remember because his intense sexual appetite did not match mine with all the pregnancy hormones. We had years of great intimacy. In 2008 we had a son. In 2009 I discovered he was having some sort of affair with a Female coworker who was coming onto him with great intensity. Till this day he tells me they only kissed and touched a little. During this time I became more suspicious so began snooping. I discovered emails between him and another man online. Sexual in nature, with the possible intention of trying to meet up in person. At this time, my ex boyfriend also made our mutual best friend (we were all friends in high school together), aware that my husband had come onto another mutual gay friend while at a bar (I was there too but the exchange happened in the bathroom). My husband new this other gay man from college and we were at the graduation party. When my husband came onto him, I was just outside and he kissed him and touched him...his friend stopped it and said “I don’t want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage”.

That all happened in 2009...it was devastating to the trust of our marriage but my husband was so scared to lose me that he did a 180 and our bond suddenly tightened, things were immensely passionate again and we were seemingly happy, with the exception of my inability to trust him.

I slowly tried to trust him again but in 2012 a mutual friend of our passed away. Her husband is best friends with us. He depended on my husband a lot through his grieving and the intensity with which my husband wanted to be there through everything bordered on sweet vs concerning. I confronted him a few times about his true feelings for our friend but he would angrily deny it so I let that go. The reason I share that part is because I’m reaching my brain, trying to figure out where In our history things got worse, as our intimacy grew fewer and farther between, he started having issues keeping an erection and I think our yearly average of intercourse at this point was MAYBE 4-5 times a year. June of 2017 was the last time we even tried. We are going on almost 4 years in a sexless marriage.

December on 2017 I started snooping again. I found gay bars in his maps search history while traveling as well as Craigslist searches. When I confronted him he told me he never went to the gay bars and only searched Craigslist out of curiosity. He told me has the occasional desire for men but loves me. I should note that he also began reaching out to his ex-boyfriend on social media (who is also in a straight marriage).

For the past few years I’ve struggled with my image and confidence. I’ve realized maybe he just isn’t attracted to me anymore as I’ve put on about 20 pounds. I’ve devoted my entire life to him and our family. I used to be a singer...I stopped exploring with bands to find my niche as my husband felt threatened. I worked 2 jobs while he went to school, even though I wanted to go to school too. I miss my confidence and the feeling of being desired.

Last Sunday I used my husband’s truck to run to the store and found a receipt for KY Jelly. I stopped everyone was doing, searched his truck some more, stopped at the store for some vape pens (I’m an ex smoker who only vale’s when drinking or stressed), then came home and asked to see his phone. He has kept his phone on deep lockdown since he’s had it. When he asked me why, I said I found something in your truck that indicates you are cheating on me. If you are not then let me see your phone as you should have nothing to hide. He refused to give me his phone at first but eventually did after taking it into the bathroom with him for 5 minutes. Clearly he was deleting something. In the short time I looked at his phone though, I did find another message to some random guy on Facebook. The exchange went like this... my husband “hi there, you are so hot”, the guy...”hi, I don’t even know you”.. .then some time passes and my husband messages “happy Birthday sexy” and the guy responded “Thankyou”.

So I told my husband that he needs to now figure out what is going on. If he is gay or bisexual and what his feelings are towards me. I’ve given myself the name “epiphany” because I feel like that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’ve been crying and stressed and unable to sleep or eat because after 4 years in a sexless marriage and this continued fishing for an affair on my husband’s end, that it’s time for us to deal with the truth of this all, even if it means immense sadness and loss of our family life.

In the meantime, my husband doesn’t seem as phased. He says that he chooses me, we’ve decided to go to counseling to help him and is figure this out, he’s unfriended this other man on Facebook and unlocked his phone for my full disclosure. I don’t know if he’s ok because he believes our relationship is fixable or if it’s because he’s already been dealing with this all. I know that I want monogamy and to be appreciated but I’m not ready to end anything as there are so many unanswered questions. I know he loves me but is he attracted to me anymore, can he ever be again? Does he now prefer men over women? How will I ever support myself (I’m a stay at home Mom with no degree). Am I spiraling and over analyzing this all?

It’s probably just the beginning of my/our epiphany and I don’t know where it will lead but I have nobody to talk to. I don’t want to tell my Mom or best friends because I feel like I’m telling them my husband’s secrets and that’s not fair to him. I’m thankful for the chance to share here. ❤️

Last edited by Epiphany (January 10, 2021 9:04 am)

 

January 8, 2021 3:24 pm  #2


Re: Feeling alone in this

epiphany- firstly, i am sorry for your pain and loneliness. i too have been alone in my new world for 9 months. i've not told anyone in my world as to why we really ended our LTR. 
there is alot to take in with your story. 
your last line is all i can focus on........."that's not fair to him"
life isn't fair, nor are we promised anything. however, give this some thought. so his life is unfair because of all his sexuality issues? what about you? is it fair to continue living a lifetime of doubt? insecurity? fears?trust?

 

January 8, 2021 4:08 pm  #3


Re: Feeling alone in this

You are right. I will not go on in our relationship the way it currently is. There’s so much confusion right now. I don’t know how bad it is, what he’s actually done or not done. I know our marriage can’t continue this way though and I think that’s why I’m so emotional...because I know my standards won’t allow us to go on if his truth is that he can’t stop looking for relationships with men (or other women for that matter). We need to go to counseling, alone and together. Our marriage deserves the time it will take to find answers. He’s gotta show a genuine effort and so far he has. I think I’m just so scared to see our life flipped upside down. I did tell him I plan to go to school next year. I am developing a plan to ease this transition in the event that our marriage is not fixable. I have years of experience in childcare and can get an easy 2 year degree to become a Director. I saw someone else post that being in a marriage with a bisexual provides hope, being married to a gay is a tough place to start. I don’t even know what I’m dealing with rn. I really appreciate your understanding and am touched by your post. Thank you. It definitely helps to talk

     Thread Starter
 

January 8, 2021 4:21 pm  #4


Re: Feeling alone in this

Epiphany,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember when I was in the midst of the turmoil where it all started. First, take a deep breath. It won’t be worked out overnight, and you have to take care of YOU. Like Ink said, the last thing. You said was ‘that’s not fair to him’. That sounds so familiar for us straight spouses. We find our husbands are going through this sexual dilemma, and we love and want to help them, however, like your husband, this isn’t the first time this has happened, and he’s not innocent. My husband, who was (and will be again) my best friend, is very helpful to me, and generally good to me cheated on me with men our entire marriage until May, 2019. I had to find out the hard way- searching for 16 months, while he lied each time I found something. He never denied liking sex with men, as that came up pretty early, but said he hadn’t acted on it since we’d been married, however his computer, etc showed differently- gay porn, dating sites (gay ones, too, with a nude avatar of himself), emails to men, etc; He denied having sex with any of them : “just looking”, until I found something he couldn’t get out of. At any rate, once it was all over, i found he had been having sex with men since his teens & thought no one would ever find out.
Like you said, this is the beginning of your epiphany. No need to make decisions right away. I had always said if my husband ever cheated on me, that was IT. NO 2nd chances, but when it happened (I only found out about one man at first), i couldn’t see making such a big decision while my head was spinning and I couldn’t even tell up from down. So, after about a week I decided to stay & try to work it out. It’s been a bumpy ride, but I’m hoping in the end it will be worth it. He did quit seeing men or looking at porn as soon as I found out (yep, that’s part of the problem....he would never have quit had I not found out.) So, it’s been back & forth since he wasn’t really on board to stop at first. He even asked for an open marriage, knowing full well that I am strictly monogamous (heck, I would have thought h’e be happy I didn’t leave him right away!, but it just doesn’t work that way, I’ve found out—-for most, in fact). I told him that he knew that before we got married, and he still married me even though he was already having the sex ‘outside of marriage’. 
If you two decide to stay together, be sure to talk & talk. It’ll be a roller coaster ride. I read all these things & said ‘not us!”...yes, us.  But, if you BOTH really want if to work, hang in there. 
Best of luck. Keep posting!!! any time you want ! Take what you want & leave the rest.

((((HUGS))))

 

January 8, 2021 8:50 pm  #5


Re: Feeling alone in this

Thank you. Give it time, talk and talk. Very good advice. It made me stop sulking for a bit today with the knowledge I can deal with it later. It’s interesting how everyone here is going through similar situations yet do different. I’ve seen posts of people staying together after the fact, people who were shocked/forced to end things and everything in between. Over the years I’ve learned to look at people as souls. I see my husband and I know he has a good soul and he loves me. I’m not sure the depth of his deception yet but it is my plan to tell him that if he decides he is gay (he will be going to counseling to help him figure this out), it’s not an immediate death to our marriage. I have considered the possibility of staying just to let our hearts have time to adjust. I know I couldn’t stay forever because I’m already craving the intimacy we’ve lost over the years. I’m just trying to prepare myself for any scenario. I told him  that  every time I begin to trust him again another “tidbit” of information to what I believe there is more to comes out. At this point I’m beginning to think I just want our communication and friendship back...he’s been a bit surface only, nothing too deep in regards to our love/relationship. Certain things give me hope though...he gets jealous of other guys talking to me (not that I like it, and maybe he’s just threatened), and I do believe he is bisexual with an attraction to women still. I’m just not positive of that, or if he has any attraction towards me. I think that’s what I’m most scared to learn.

     Thread Starter
 

January 8, 2021 10:34 pm  #6


Re: Feeling alone in this

Epiphany wrote:

Over the years I’ve learned to look at people as souls. I see my husband and I know he has a good soul and he loves me.

This is what makes it so hard.  We see the good in them, we remember the good times, and we struggle to reconcile all the good with all the bad in front of us.  As someone said elsewhere on the forum, it takes time for our heads to catch up with our hearts.  It's such a soul-crushing position to be in as you contemplate what you want your future to look like. 

I'm sorry you found yourself here, but you are among people who understand.  

 

January 8, 2021 10:42 pm  #7


Re: Feeling alone in this

"...unable to sleep or eat because after 4 years in a sexless marriage and this continued fishing for an affair on my husband’s end..." This sounds absolutely miserable. Does it even matter if he's gay, straight, or bi?

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 8, 2021 10:42 pm)

 

January 9, 2021 9:19 am  #8


Re: Feeling alone in this

This too....yes, I’ve decided I need to take this slow. All we’ve known (or I’ve known I guess) is eachother our entire adult lives. Julian, it does suck but it’s not been the constant in our marriage. I read an amazing quote from somewhere else in this forum “You can hurt me with the truth, but please don’t love me with your lies”. I plan to talk to my husband tomorrow. I plan to share this with him and get some clarification. There are so many unknowns and I know we need counseling to get to the answers for some. There are so many positives in this marriage...so it deserves the time it will take to seek the answers. I do not want to feel like this again. This is the 3rd time now that his actions have caused this turmoil for me. I already told him that I love him but I have to have respect for myself and that I’m not ready to be some old washed up maid type wife. I also need to take a step back and look at the logistics of how this would work. I’m feeling a little stronger today and I know, because I’ve been through this before, that I will be ok. However, I’m a stay at home Mom with no degree. My husband handles all the finances. I need to not only give our marriage and love time to get sorted out but I need to become more independent and develop a possible exit plan. We also have children, our youngest is 12, our oldest 20 (we had kids very young). I need to think of them, especially our youngest and the best way to handle a possible divorce down the road for their sake. At this point I’m in limbo. I don’t know if we can fix this with counseling or if I need to start detaching. I will not let myself be out in this position again though. If I choose to stay awhile it will be because I believe it’s what is in my best interest in regards to my needs etc...

     Thread Starter
 

January 9, 2021 11:40 am  #9


Re: Feeling alone in this

Epiphany wrote:

.....If I choose to stay awhile it will be because I believe it’s what is in my best interest in regards to my needs etc...

 
This is what you need to have always at the forefront of your mind when confronting the challenges a straightspouse faces.

Edited to say...
"But Epiphany,.. You already know your husband is gay…..you need to be on the support board not this one"


Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 9, 2021 11:48 am)


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 10, 2021 9:01 am  #10


Re: Feeling alone in this

Ellexoh, I’m not as confident as you that he’s completely gay. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not ready to accept it or if it’s because I married him, well aware of the fact that he was Bi and then experienced a long period of life with him without him seeming to explore that male attraction anymore. I’m wondering, with Bisexual people, if it’s possible their desires change over time...perhaps now he’s desiring men more, maybe it’s because he’s bored in our relationship, does he still get turned on by women? These are the answers I need to find. Like Julian had mentioned...does it even matter? I’m in a fog of too many what if’s and emotions right now. I want to talk to my husband to find answers but we have a trip planned for his birthday at the end of the week and I’m worried what I might learn, I don’t want us to ruin that trip and I’m wondering if I should wait for counseling. I will go over to the support forum too. I’ve been reading posts from all the forums. I can say this, it is very empowering and eye opening to hear everybody else’s stories. I do feel like there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel...no matter which tunnel we choose to take.

Last edited by Epiphany (January 10, 2021 9:02 am)

     Thread Starter
 

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