Hi everyone. I’m brand new to this group, just found it yesterday. I’m a 41 year old Mother to 3, married almost 19 years to my highschool best friend turned boyfriend then husband. We love eachother DEEPLY. When we were friends in highschool I knew he had a boyfriend for a short time. He used to tell me all about it while I was in my relationship with my 1st boyfriend...who get this, is now openly gay. I’m fact, my now husband even shared with me eventually that him and my ex had oral sex at one point during my relationship with my ex. My husband used to tell me though, that he would someday marry me and he had plenty of girlfriends as well...so I obviously knew he was Bisexual.

When we decided to take the plunge and move our friendship of 3 years to dating...it was magical, fast, passionate. He told me he had no more desires for men...his ex even attempted to come onto him and he not only denied him, but shared it with me. We had our first daughter at a very young age, I was 21 and he was 20. When she was 1, he left me for a short period, stating that he had fallen out of love with me. During this time I was battling post partum depression so blamed myself, got medicated, and “won” him back after only 2 weeks of separation. Looking back, I do remember him becoming extremely close to a male co-worker and my best friend (also his best friend, a female)...telling me that she remembers him talking for long periods of time on the phone with someone else (noticed at parties etc). Fast forward to 2002, we are pregnant with our second daughter and married in Jamaica. He’s still very much into me...I remember because his intense sexual appetite did not match mine with all the pregnancy hormones. We had years of great intimacy. In 2008 we had a son. In 2009 I discovered he was having some sort of affair with a Female coworker who was coming onto him with great intensity. Till this day he tells me they only kissed and touched a little. During this time I became more suspicious so began snooping. I discovered emails between him and another man online. Sexual in nature, with the possible intention of trying to meet up in person. At this time, my ex boyfriend also made our mutual best friend (we were all friends in high school together), aware that my husband had come onto another mutual gay friend while at a bar (I was there too but the exchange happened in the bathroom). My husband new this other gay man from college and we were at the graduation party. When my husband came onto him, I was just outside and he kissed him and touched him...his friend stopped it and said “I don’t want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage”.

That all happened in 2009...it was devastating to the trust of our marriage but my husband was so scared to lose me that he did a 180 and our bond suddenly tightened, things were immensely passionate again and we were seemingly happy, with the exception of my inability to trust him.

I slowly tried to trust him again but in 2012 a mutual friend of our passed away. Her husband is best friends with us. He depended on my husband a lot through his grieving and the intensity with which my husband wanted to be there through everything bordered on sweet vs concerning. I confronted him a few times about his true feelings for our friend but he would angrily deny it so I let that go. The reason I share that part is because I’m reaching my brain, trying to figure out where In our history things got worse, as our intimacy grew fewer and farther between, he started having issues keeping an erection and I think our yearly average of intercourse at this point was MAYBE 4-5 times a year. June of 2017 was the last time we even tried. We are going on almost 4 years in a sexless marriage.

December on 2017 I started snooping again. I found gay bars in his maps search history while traveling as well as Craigslist searches. When I confronted him he told me he never went to the gay bars and only searched Craigslist out of curiosity. He told me has the occasional desire for men but loves me. I should note that he also began reaching out to his ex-boyfriend on social media (who is also in a straight marriage).

For the past few years I’ve struggled with my image and confidence. I’ve realized maybe he just isn’t attracted to me anymore as I’ve put on about 20 pounds. I’ve devoted my entire life to him and our family. I used to be a singer...I stopped exploring with bands to find my niche as my husband felt threatened. I worked 2 jobs while he went to school, even though I wanted to go to school too. I miss my confidence and the feeling of being desired.

Last Sunday I used my husband’s truck to run to the store and found a receipt for KY Jelly. I stopped everyone was doing, searched his truck some more, stopped at the store for some vape pens (I’m an ex smoker who only vale’s when drinking or stressed), then came home and asked to see his phone. He has kept his phone on deep lockdown since he’s had it. When he asked me why, I said I found something in your truck that indicates you are cheating on me. If you are not then let me see your phone as you should have nothing to hide. He refused to give me his phone at first but eventually did after taking it into the bathroom with him for 5 minutes. Clearly he was deleting something. In the short time I looked at his phone though, I did find another message to some random guy on Facebook. The exchange went like this... my husband “hi there, you are so hot”, the guy...”hi, I don’t even know you”.. .then some time passes and my husband messages “happy Birthday sexy” and the guy responded “Thankyou”.

So I told my husband that he needs to now figure out what is going on. If he is gay or bisexual and what his feelings are towards me. I’ve given myself the name “epiphany” because I feel like that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’ve been crying and stressed and unable to sleep or eat because after 4 years in a sexless marriage and this continued fishing for an affair on my husband’s end, that it’s time for us to deal with the truth of this all, even if it means immense sadness and loss of our family life.

In the meantime, my husband doesn’t seem as phased. He says that he chooses me, we’ve decided to go to counseling to help him and is figure this out, he’s unfriended this other man on Facebook and unlocked his phone for my full disclosure. I don’t know if he’s ok because he believes our relationship is fixable or if it’s because he’s already been dealing with this all. I know that I want monogamy and to be appreciated but I’m not ready to end anything as there are so many unanswered questions. I know he loves me but is he attracted to me anymore, can he ever be again? Does he now prefer men over women? How will I ever support myself (I’m a stay at home Mom with no degree). Am I spiraling and over analyzing this all?

It’s probably just the beginning of my/our epiphany and I don’t know where it will lead but I have nobody to talk to. I don’t want to tell my Mom or best friends because I feel like I’m telling them my husband’s secrets and that’s not fair to him. I’m thankful for the chance to share here. ❤️

Last edited by Epiphany (January 10, 2021 9:04 am)