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February 21, 2021 5:58 pm  #1


The house of cards is tumbling...

 Sorry if that seems dramatic, I feel dramatic a lot of the time right now.  Husband and I are married for almost 15 years when he comes out as MTF Transgender Lesbian.  That was 18 months ago.  We stayed together because we have a child.  We were also living and working overseas.  We had already decided to move back to the US when she came out to me, so I put my feelings and upset in a mental box and stuck it to the side to work on moving us home.  Then the pandemic struck and we were suddenly sent home early by my job and I've continued to keep my head down and work towards finding a new job, finding a home, supporting the family.  She's spent the time transitioning and taking care of our daughter.  

Last week she finally asked me where I was at and if we would ever have that intimacy back (both sexually and romantically).  I admitted that no, I didn't feel that way and all those feelings dried up when she came out.  I, being honest, told her that I didn't really feel like I wanted to be sexual or initmate (holding hands, cuddling) with anyone again.  This was a huge blow to her.  We had a frosty few days.  I also used the unfortunate metaphor that it was like my husband died and he was the only person I had ever been intimate with and I couldn't imagine being intimate with anyone else, even her.  I did not realize how hurtful that was to her.

Anyways, we had another chat on Valentine's Day where she said that she did not want to be without intimacy in any form and wanted to start "talking to" other women and see where that would lead.  She stressed she still wanted to co-parent with me and we are in the middle of buying a house so would imagine we would stick together.  I told her that I respected her decision and wanted her to be happy and was ok with finding a new shape of our relationship.  Three days after that she tells me she has a date next week.  Fuck.  That changes things for me as I didn't expect things to move so fast.  Suddenly, I realize that this isn't going to work.

So that leaves me with today.  Our daughter is almost 5 and we are trying to buy a house together.  I make 95% of the income for our family with her bringing in spotty amounts as a substitute teacher.  I did tell her on V-day that she needed to start really buckling down to being able to support herself.  She hasn't had a steady job in over a decade due to my job taking us overseas and then the child.  She needs to really start finding something she can do and subbing won't cut it.  I told her she was unlikely to find a meaningful relationship while still married and so closely tied to me.  She agreed dismissively.  

I've told her to find a family counselor who can advise us on what is realistic and what is not.  I think we are both beating around the bush, but I frankly do not know what to do.  

I don't want to not have my child with me 100% of the time.  She is my world and the most important person in my life.  I can't imagine splitting time with her, at least not while she's so small and wouldn't really understand.  Then again, maybe I'm not giving her enough credit.  She hasn't spent a night away from me since she was 8 months old, though has spent time away from partner.  I don't know what to do about finances because spouse cannot support herself and is unlikely to be able to for at least a year or more unless we get super lucky.  I could support myself and my daughter just fine on my salary and purchase a new home, but it's harder with spouse in the picture.  

Anyways, all the thoughts and feelings I walled off came tumbling down and I feel like we have to make some decisions and I don't even know where to start.  I love her very much and she's been my best friend for almost 2 decades.  I do NOT want her out of my life.  But I don't think we can stay married either.  I've been thinking we separate and live as roommates for the next year or two until she gets her feet under her and then she could move out.  I truly do not want another relationship anytime soon because I just need to be with myself and figure out who I am.  

Sorry this is so meandering...

TL;DR:  spouse is trans, I ignored our relationship for 18 months, but now she wants to stay together but also see other people.  Our lives are so intertwined that I don't know how to separate without taking her knees out completely.   I feel like shit. 

 

February 21, 2021 6:29 pm  #2


Re: The house of cards is tumbling...

There's a reason we call ourselves trans widows.  It's because we are.  Our husbands are, in effect, dead, and they wanted to kill their "husband selves."  Does your spouse have any appreciation for how hurtful it was for you to watch your husband transform himself into his new persona?

Here are two things for you to do:
One: Stop buying a house.  If you buy a house with your spouse, you will lose half of it in an eventual divorce.
Two: Go and see a lawyer to discuss what your rights are and your likely financial obligation to your spouse will be.  Discuss custody issues, because it's not impossible that until your spouse gets a steady job you might have more custodial time.   A lawyer can help you craft a separation agreement, and discuss with you whether divorce or separation would be better for you and your child. 

One thing is for sure: based on prior behavior (not having a stead job for over a decade) your spouse is not going to start working full time until made to do so.  

 

February 22, 2021 12:08 pm  #3


Re: The house of cards is tumbling...

I cannot speak from experience, but OutofHisCloset always has wise words.

My first thought was absolutely DO NOT BUY A HOUSE.  You know your life has to change, so don't go making huge investments with this person.  Even living together for a year or more while they "get on their feet" sounds troubling to me.  Are you prepared to separate and watch your ex date under your roof?  How will your daughter feel about you living separately together? I imagine it would be far healthier for your daughter to see you two truly separate and live two separate lives apart, rather than side by side.  

I also agree to speak to a lawyer--speak to a couple if you wish, but know what rights you have, what obstacles you might face.  Your spouse has had years of support from you, even during this last year+ while you carried the load and they transitioned, so when you start changing things up, threatening their way of life, they may put up a fight.  

As for your child, she needs the best of you.  The best of both parents.  What situation gives her the best?  

 

February 22, 2021 1:58 pm  #4


Re: The house of cards is tumbling...

First, don’t worry about ‘meandering’.Most of us do that from time to time; and, it’s good for you to get it out.

You’ve gotten some great suggestions here. Start living for yourself and your daughter. There’s no reason to put both of your lives’ on hold.

What I wanted to add is that if she is already moving so fast (getting a date quickly), then, from what I’ve seen from others, she’ll probably start asking to bring home the dates as part of the family....in your home... Are you all right with that? If so, no problem. But, it is up to you.

All the best to you & your daughter. 

 

February 22, 2021 4:50 pm  #5


Re: The house of cards is tumbling...

I don't have answers but wanted to say we hear and understand. My wife came out as lesbian just over 66 months ago, at times I think I am OK (like today) and then suddenly something will trigger an INTENSE moment of grief / sorrow / loss and I would just break out crying. We have been married almost 10 years and I think back to the promises made on the wedding day and how things can change so much so quickly. For her it is all exciting for me it is devastating.

I TOTALLY echo your feelings "  I truly do not want another relationship anytime soon because I just need to be with myself and figure out who I am.  " This has been hard for me, I was like who is this ahole (me) I am now living with and what does he like and what makes him happy.

If you need to cry or shout just know there are people who understand and can listen even if they cannot fix it.. 

 

February 24, 2021 6:40 pm  #6


Re: The house of cards is tumbling...

Virushime - Ours stories are very very similar. My heart goes out to you so very much. I also have a child the same age and the thought of splitting time just guts me. Same here that the spouse does not have the means for self support which becomes another factor keeping them in the home. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and am so sorry you are going through this. They mentioned being a ‘mom’ recently and I nearly lost my mind. It’s been a very painful process.

You’ve received some very good info so far. Definitely look at the laws for where you live on assets and how they’d be divided.

 

February 25, 2021 7:28 am  #7


Re: The house of cards is tumbling...

he made a conscious decision to be who he "really" is. i too care deeply for my ex. i will always love who she was. 
but much like other things in life, they have all made their beds. now they need to sleep in them. alone, or with whomever gets them off. just not us. 
i reiterate. he has made his choice. he wants his cake and to eat it too. now you, my friend......its your turn to make a choice. put the blinders on. you and your girl. fuck him. fuck all of them for they pain, lies, and betrayal. 
we here all know the same thing......these people WERE our best friends. but just like the seasons, friends come and go. 


it is, what it is. 
 

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