Ehgreen, I still struggle with this question of telling the “kids.” In 2012, I made the discovery that their Dad is a cross-dresser,who gets sexual satisfaction when dressed as a woman in slutty clothes, makeup, nail polish, various wigs and sparkling  enormous-sized platform shoes. We separated 2014 and have been divorced since 2016 after 26 years of marriage, half of which was sex-less and quietly so, meaning, we never discussed why.  I tried but there was this palpable wall around him. We were estranged under the same roof but put on great theater. (He’s moved in with another women about a year ago whom I know of  professionally and I struggle with wanting to tell HER too.) I asked about telling our 3 sons, who were 22, 20 and 18 at the time, during a marriage counseling session after I made the discovery. I remember my ex begging me not to and the counselor saying basically, “not now.” We live in a small town; my ex makes his living as a trusted lawyer; and  like TTSP mentions, if I ask myself what my motivation would be as to the specifics of the breach of trust, honestly the answer is to punish /shame/discredit my ex in the eyes of our sons for my revenge and that’s just not okay if I have hopes of us still behaving like a family (at a few holidays/year) as our sons form their own partnerships in life and maybe give us grandkids. Also, after self-restraint, I do see it as something that’s between my sons and their Dad—not my business anymore. And I wouldn’t talk to my sons about our marital sex life, or lack of it, so ultimately I put it in the category as between us. What I have shared with my sons is just simpler but truthful—“it takes two people to make a marriage and it takes two to break it up. Your father betray me and it doesn’t matter how. The distrust grew like a cancer and I couldn’t get past it to a future where we stayed together. Some couples do; I couldn’t.”  And of course they asked  “but what did he do to betray you?” And I replied : “Ask him. That’s his to tell.” And of course they don’t ask him and even if they did, he’d lie. Also like TTSP says, they don’t talk to him as easily as they talk to me, especially about matters of the heart. I gave them the “body” talk in fifth grade (I remember the pamphlet they brought home from school describing what a wet dream is.) They stick to surface topics with their Dad like soccer scores, the weather, politics. Nothing that requires authenticity like the struggles of a love relationship or what it means to be a man in 2021. And finally, in case I die before my ex, I have left an envelope of photos of my ex’s wardrobe, taken on the day I discovered his secret stash,  in my desk drawer for my sons to find after I am gone. Why? I guess I do believe they deserve to know the whole truth some day.

Toward the light,

Glad you got away from the hurt. 

My kids go back and forth between the houses.  Older now, I think they have forgotten the years when we were all in the same house with their mother screaming and throwing things at me.

That is ok.  I wish I could forget it.


God knows what these spouses did.  In this life and the next God knows we tried.

Leave the pictures of their dad.  But know  whatever your kids think you did what you had to for them and yourself.

Last edited by Rob (February 12, 2021 9:31 pm)

Wow. I found out my friend was gay last June but he will not admit it. I have confronted him two times but he lies. We do not have children together. I think that if I were you, I would tell them this summer. Good luck and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Toward the Light wrote:

My eldest son (of 3), age 30, has been working remotely from my home, his childhood home, since mid-June. He returns this week, Thurs., to his own home on the other coast. We’ve had some quality time together, alone doing fun things like playing tennis, eating meals together, co-hosting his newish girlfriend for 10 days in this span.......

 
The time with your son sounds perfect
Yeah telling the adult children.....I have 4 and tailored the telling to each one to their personality and r'ship with their father and (separately) myself. At one distraught point I had the 2 youngest Facetiming with me and told them together, although their reactions were as different as chalk and cheese. One, my youngest son,  became almost a confidante for a while and I know he will be there for me.. The other is very close to her father (actually very like him in manner), doesn't ask questions so not wanting to ruin our good bond I have to respect her (unspoken) wish to not get in the middle. 
I believe adult children should be given the choice to hear why their father ruined their mother's life. Verbally face-to-face or in an email if you must but that's a tough one....you send an email, stating you have something to tell them but they don't reply (for whatever reason), you don't ask if they received the email, nothing's said, it all sinks into an unspoken abyss and the bonds that should stay strong become strained. 

Did you ever think your kids had suspicions? Don't talk about this other woman because their allegiance is to you? 
You were strong enough to get this man out of your life and now you hold your truth...your truth..... inside of you because....why?

Elle