Hi Tangled,
I'm glad you're doing so well! I do understand, once you worked things out, it moves to the background. 

For us it's often because we are somewhat active in support for others in a MOM, we discuss the subject of sexual orientation regulary. But that's in another mode so to speak.

However, for us it's important to acknowledge the mixed orientation aspect of our relation too (in balance with what we are overall).
Afterall, effectively we're just an regular husband-wife couple, which is logical of course and no harm in that. But for my wife that could sometimes feel like her sexual orientation is put in a corner collecting dust. Unintentionaly it could become and feel like a subject and aspect that's invisible. That's not what we intended, we intentionally chose and went for acceptance of ourself and eachother. Rainbow flags or painting her hair blue won't do, that's not us and it's not about group statements. On the contrary, we are persons, we choose eachother.

For us it can be in other, less obvious, things to communicate this. Like my wife telling me she finds a woman attractive. It's not threatening to me, we're way beyond that, and it's also absolutely certain she won't act on those litle flings in any way. But it's an expression of her sexual orientation she shares privately with me.
Sometimes I don't get that, blunt as I (typical man) can be, I don't understand well enough that this is important to her. I could easily discard it like: "well, I often see a woman I think attractive too". But no, it's important I give it attention, a sort of acknowledgement of her sexual orientation, simply because that's part of who she is. But not to dwell on it further makeing it bigger than it ought to, after all it's nothing threatening, nor is it putting me down being her husband. But I think these small things prevent silence could feel like avoiding the subject.

It could well be in your situation this is less important than MOMs where the gay is more on th

Ordinary_guy,

I didn't invalidate your love for your wife, it's rather comparable to my own love for my wife. The problem of it in the MOM situation, is it mangles your being and feelings to bits over the years. It's like running into a brick wall, again and again and again. And it doesn't even make a dent in the wall. For me straight, I decided for total resolute acceptance, letting go of the consequences it had to me. This lifted me above the situation and the hurt. It's a strong decision, it's a choice from the heart, and my feelings followed it. The hurt deminished that resulted from being in a relation that isn't reciprocated the way it should be. I don't think it's unabtainable, but it's hard to make that decision.  I had to hit rock bottom in my despair, before I was able to fully make that choice. I don't know if it's the only way, but I do know that going on like I had been going, hitting the wall, would have destroyed me, at the same time, it wouldn't have changed or improved anything in our relation nor for my wife.
As far as I can see, the only alternative would have been divorce. Like you I didn't want to do that. so, it's a dark dead end alley, the doors are locked and the surrounding walls are not giving in. The only way out is climbing up, at least there is sunlight and fresh air.


However the love that is really and actually wanting, is not yours, but your wifes. Assuming she's not an evil narcissist, her level of love for you is like good friendship. Well, if she's lesbian that makes sense, you're simply of the wrong gender to invoke other feelings and another kind of love in her. For her too it's a brick wall. Maybe with the difference she doesn't crash into it like you do, I think she's probably somewhat aware of it, but doesn't truly understand how it feels for you on the other side of this wall. 

At that stage my wife thought our marriage was good enough, our relation was friendly and sort of sustainable. We kept sexual intimacy going, I h

To me, your relections sound not that sensible. As if all can be described and predicted by some well defined measure of "sexual orientation". 
You're attempting to control something that is so much more complex and intricate than models. This reductionist approach is in a sense similar to fundemental christians ideas like "pray the gay away". No way! It's not that simple and confined, it's not grasped and controled by statistiscs nor  dogma.

For example, the chances of winning the lottery can be calculated. Suppose there is a 30% chance of winning some money. But does this apply if I don't even buy a ticket? Obiously not, my chance of winning a price would be zero. So, It's not just a matter of chance, but it depends on the choices of people involved.

If people are inclined to follow contemporary cultural scripts, have no independent strong conviction or view on marriage, they will obviously be inclined to choose a path that submits to realizing their sexual preferences. No rocket science needed to deduce that. The same goes for straight spouses who think it's expected from them to follow these paths. 

So what is it really that determines the outcome of a marriage when there is a sexual preference mismatch? It's not statistics nor lists, it's rather  about:
Communication
Openness and honesty.
The meaning of real Love (with the capital, not hollywood style).

For the gay spouse: it means letting loose of the idol that sexual preference can be. In essence, it's setting priority: not sexual preference at the top, but set it somewhere down the line where it belongs. Because Love is the top, with your spouse at the focus. That kind of love holds beauty and value. So also no denial about sexual preference... it's there, among other things. (and... being accepted and acknowledged in that).

For the straight spouse you're challenged to total acceptance.
That certainly doesn't mean accepting any behaviour! But accepting your spouse as she/he is, with all th

Hi Roka,

Congratulations with your marriage! I (and my wife SamanthaNL) wish you both many meaningful and happy years together.
And yes, no doubt: for better and for worse, because that's life. Even though we all prefer the "for better", the "for worse" part is necessary too, for this displays the value of what Love realy is. To quote the title of a favourite song of us: "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will".
And to this we'll add: If your will is genuinly focussed on Love(ing the other), feelings will follow suit.

Next year we'll celebrate the 40th anniversary of our (monogamous) MOM. The SSA (and all that came with it) became increasingly less and less important, nowadays (actually for many years) it's like a non-issue to us. But we do have to keep working on our relation, like every married couple regardless of sexual orientation. 
For example: Busy times, work, family and children, obligations... but we haven't been really talking with eachother for much too long. So let's take walks in nature together! Talk and reconnect! Is this simple common knowledge? Well, you do have to decide to.These are lessons learned. Marriage is absolutly work in progress. 

Alas, we're getting somewhat older. How do we keep our sexual relation exciting and interesting?  I'm sure many (straight) couples that are long time married face this same question. A benefit of a MOM is having learned to be candid and open on this subject, and I would say: dealing with it in inventive, unexpected and possitive ways. (mind you: within the boundaries set by marriage). This background stimulates to be creative in that regard.
We aren't static and frozen in time, so we have to adjust to eachother. It's interesting, but it also asks from us to keep finding ways.
No no, not opening up the marriage. I'm always a bit worries some people might think in that direction. So let me be very clear: opening up a marriage is the most NOT-creative, NOT-loving, NOT-possitive, NOT-etc, solution

(last post of the day, it's well after midnight here)
Our church is an independent church so we don't have rules opposed on us from some overall organization. Next to that we chose to not "freeze" our stance on all kinds of topics because we only consider the Bible as authorative. Interpretations that are expressed as written formal rules, could potentially block the possibility of better/revised understanding of the biblical text.
First and foremost we believe every believer in Christ is under grace and forgiven of sin. So whatever someone's opinion on the matter is, we always think/start from there. By definition judgement, hell or damnation is out of the question. 
I've had several conversations with our pastor on the subject of homosexuality where we talked about the interpretation of the relevant bible passages. He has no definitive view on the matter because it's not that clear cut and simple topic as some people like to think. Of course he knows about our MOM situation, there was never any problem regarding my wife's sexual orientation. Furthermore everyone is welcome in our church, as long as they behave orderly.

To carry (bearing) the image of Christ and the Church in marriage, comes directly from Ephesians 5. The text is actually quite clear and straigthforward. The man as image of Christ, the woman as image of the Church. Marriage shows/depicts the intimate relation between Christ and the Church. One body, of which Christ is the head connected with the body (all believers). It's essential this image is depicted by a man and a woman (in marriage). 

This has nothing to do with love the sinner condemn the sin. (? and I don't see why you make this connection)