Hi guys,
I appreciate your warnings - certainly based on the experiences you have had.
We never made the decision for our relationship lightly, but with an awareness of the unknown uncertainties that lay ahead.

There was only one time when I felt like running away and that was when my husband told me (at the beginning of our relationship) that he was struggling with his sexual orientation. But I stayed. I got to know him and learned to love him. With everything that is part of him. And vice versa for him.

We got married last month. And that really changed things for us. My husband has gained a lot of self-confidence. The framework that marriage gives us gives him (and me) security. We take "for better or for worse" very seriously. And I'm convinced that I'm not sugarcoating it when I assume that it's not just MOMs who aren't always in sync sexually. In my opinion, we are not that different from heterosexual couples.

Yes, the challenge really is desire. What does my husband desire? Is it me? And can he give me the desired feeling of being desired and desirable?
Yes, he can. And the fact that he doesn't do this all the time also has to do with his personality and not just with the SSA. And the fact that I can't always give him what he craves is also normal.
In my opinion, relationships are about putting the other person's well-being above your own. And as long as both partners agree on this, many things are possible.

I'm not saying that our way has to work for all couples with SSA issues. But for us, the key is trust and establishing habits. My partner has been very shy, reserved and inhibited and we are working together to make him more relaxed and at ease. The fact that he can enjoy physicality has grown. And with that, a strong connection has grown between us because we are walking this path together.  
And this process is also very fortunate for me. Would I have been happy if some things had gone faster? Sure. Do I sometimes long for things that my partner can't give me? Of course I do. But I can see what has changed. I see the potential. And above all, I see the man who owns my heart and who cherishes it.

Perhaps our path is not the path of many. But I hope to give hope to those who are facing similar decisions and questions. Because I believe that the positive stories need to be told.
If we only hear one (negative and pessimistic) side, the whole spectrum is not represented. There are the "success stories" and I hope that our story can be a blessing to others.

Roka..

You won't become aware of the unknowns until the uncertainties are upon you and affecting your r'ship.
The more you invest the more you'll have to recover so if you do go through with this marriage (how about living together for a few years first?) please please protect yourself. Consider a prenup. Edited to add... and a postnup. See a lawyer.
Both of you.

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 26, 2024 1:58 pm)

Dutchman, why the need to be so horrid to Ellexoh?

okay so she might have missed the fact that they are now married, it sounded to me like she thought they were about to get married.

but is that any reason to attack her personally?   the way you spoke about her was more like gaslighting than any sort of honest evaluation.

 

Last edited by lily (June 28, 2024 4:57 pm)

Oops, that got heated quickly....
Like I said, thanks for your concern. And thanks for the congratulations too

I'm sure that whether MOM or "normal" couple, nothing is guaranteed and every marriage (and relationship) is a lot of work. We've already put a lot into ours and are willing to continue to do so. 
I don't think I need to justify my decision. But again, I want to say to those in the same situation I was in three years ago that it might be worth working through the doubts and maybe finding a "yes" for each other. 
I'm sure that not every straight / SSA couple is doomed to failure per se. And not every couple is guaranteed a happy life for the rest of their lives. 
Do I know what the future will bring? Of course not. Can I say whether we will live "till death do us part" or give up sooner? No (but hopefully not). 
But who can? Nobody. Ultimately, it depends on the two people who (want to) enter into a relationship with each other. For many, the SSA will be a reason to end the relationship or not to enter into it in the first place. But there will be those who will make the same decision as me. For the challenging relationship. And there will be those for whom this is the right decision and who will find happiness in it. 

I am aware that I am very lucky to have a husband who has been honest with me from the very beginning. Even before we became a couple, he was open about his SSA. And damn, was that hard for him. And hell, it broke my heart at first. 
But from that starting point, we were able to build our relationship on trust and honesty. At no point was I pressured or manipulated by him. On the contrary, he always kept the door open for me to leave. It was my decision to stay and get to know the whole person. And yes, the SSA aspect is a big challenge. But so is the fact that he's rational and I'm more emotional. That's a much bigger challenge in our everyday lives. 
I'm sorry for every single one of you who has been (intentionally) hurt and betrayed. With these experiences, I would perhaps also give the advice to run as long as you can and protect yourself where possible.
I know my husband. I know the path he has taken to get to this point in order to be in this relationship with me. And that's why I trust him. 
I don't just say "trust blindly" and "it will work out". I'm saying: not everything is doomed to fail from the outset. And it's perhaps worth a cautious second look and a little patience to find out. 

Roka - I agree with you. No one knows what the future may hold.

You were well informed going into your decision to marry your husband, and it sounds like both of you are aiming to have an open and caring relationship. I truly wish you all the luck in the world!

Sometimes I think those on this forum get a bit of a harsh rap and can come across unintentionally negative - but it comes from a place of concern. And, sadly, a large portion of those on this page had a spouse that lied, gas lit, psychologically and emotionally tortured them and then tossed them aside like trash. It is a pain unlike any other.

For those in this sort of situation, I do still recommend the straight spouse get out of the situation as fast as possible and do everything to protect themselves. I know many will not take the advice (I didn't when it was first given to me....I apparently had to get dragged through hell first before I could believe people could be this evil). 

Whereas, in a case such as yours - you are two consenting adults, who have been open and discussed all of this, prior to commitments being made. Your spouse also appears to understand and respect your need to know, your need to be able to have the option to leave if you so chose, and didn't pressure or manipulate you. That sounds about as good as it can get as far as starting a healthy relationship.

Looking back at what I went through, personally I would not be interested in another relationship with someone who has SSA - but I don't begrudge someone going into one, so long as they have the information and it's a balanced relationship, more power to everyone.

But - I do not agree with someone lying, cheating, manipulating, and breaking down someone who loves you to the point where they are a shell of a person. And, in my case, more than anything I still struggle with anger over the fact that he just never bothered to tell me. So, instead of entering the relationship on equal footing....I was set up to lose. And it was devastating.

Had I known, had we discussed it, had I had the choice to enter into marriage or not, based on the truth about his sexuality.....then I am sure I would feel a lot different about everything.