We’ve been married for 40 years. Halfway through our marriage (we were about 40 years old), my wife discovered her attraction toward women and realized she’s lesbian.So technically, we’ve been in a MOM (mixed-orientation marriage) for 40 years, but we didn’t know it during the first half. In retrospect, there were, of course, signs, but at the time, we thought there were other causes for them.

It’s been over five years since my first post on this forum. You can read it here:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1931

It should be clear that a happy (monogamous) mixed-orientation marriage is certainly possible. However, I don’t want to assert that every MOM will succeed. In most cases, it will not. But this is not due to random chance that can simply be expressed as a percentage. It depends on the people involved—their personalities, stance in life, the relationship, their history together, etc.
In our situation, there was no real closet or denial. My wife didn’t know she was same-sex attracted. She discovered it (i.e., fell in love with a woman) and, after making sure of her feelings, told me not long after that. She did not cheat and didn’t intend to do so. She didn’t want to break up our family (we had four children) and wanted to continue our marriage.
Nevertheless, it was no piece of cake—far from it! But it’s important to note the difference compared to other stories on the forum. Issues like cheating, denial, gaslighting, etc., are serious red flags indicating a successful MOM may not be an option. Even in our case, we had to go through several hard years to work it out. It wasn’t just the challenges my wife faced, but also the ones I faced as a straight spouse. It’s a joint venture, a process where each spouse has unique and different difficulties to overcome.
When I wrote about our life story five years ago, we had trouble naming the remarkable change in my wife’s sexual and emotional feelings. We wondered whether it had something to do with “sexual fluidity.” But this term doesn’t explain the reasons for changes in feelings. “Sexual fluidity” just observes that sexual orientation isn’t as black-and-white or set in stone as people think it is. Some people think that’s because it’s a spectrum—like bisexuality being somewhere between straight and gay. However, this doesn’t fit our experience. My wife is still same-sex attracted in general, but with the exception of one man. The cause of this exception is her love for me as a person, which opened up an emotional connection that led to sexual attraction.
This attraction isn’t just about physical arousal or pleasure; it’s about being emotionally connected. This aspect was very tangible for me as a straight spouse when this change happened (in our case, almost overnight—the emotional door shut, then opened). It made all the difference in our life. We call it “gay+1” and have noticed this pattern in many other stories.
I totally understand when straight spouses describe the difference they feel after leaving a relationship with a gay partner and then marrying a straight partner, experiencing sexual and emotional connection in a new way. It’s very different. It’s not just the physical attraction—it’s the connection of feelings from both sides.
A successful MOM (by my definition, meaning the kind of marriage I want) requires this connection. This is possible, but the gay spouse has to voluntarily overcome their sexual preference barrier. This can only be a choice made freely and out of love, not through coercion. The gay spouse must choose the straight spouse because that’s what they truly want above all else.

Being Christian

We are Christians, and our faith plays an important role in our life. It’s not about miracles, “praying the gay away,” or struggling against sin. It’s not even about whether or not homosexuality is a sin because, for us, Christian marriage is our moral guideline (with values like faithfulness, monogamy, and love).
In this context, the meaning of the word “love” matters greatly. Some think love is just a feeling, but it’s more accurately an act of will. Certainly, love can induce all kinds of positive feelings, but those feelings are not the driving force. Some say “love is love,” as though everything labeled “love” in our society is the same. Well, it’s not. The love shown by Christ in the Gospels is not the same as someone’s love for chocolate, a flashing “Love” sign in the red-light district of Amsterdam, or anything in between.By the way, in the New Testament, there are four different Greek words for different kinds of love.
My best advice for anyone in a MOM is to investigate what real love is—this applies to both the straight and gay spouse. Look beyond contemporary culture, media, or what Hollywood presents. There are no easy answers. Sometimes, love can go against what you (think you) want, but dive into it. Christian morals may seem like a set of rules and regulations, but that’s a superficial and immature perspective. Look deeper to understand what the Bible and Christ are really about.

We’re very happy in our MOM. We went through trials and tribulations to get to this point, then healed the wounds we suffered along the way. But I believe God’s ultimate purpose and plan for our life wasn’t just to give us a happy marriage—it was to make us (and our marriage) bear the image of Christ, as described in Ephesians 5. Our successful MOM is a happy side effect, and while we’re grateful for that, it wasn’t the ultimate goal.

Some Resources for Christians in a MOM:

• Jackie Hill-Perry, Gay Girl, Good God
• Rachel Gilson, Born Again This Way
• Matt & Laurie Krieg, An Impossible Marriage (I haven’t read it, but I know their positive and interesting story from podcasts.)
• Brenna Blain, Can I Say That? (I also know her only from podcasts.)

Last edited by Dutchman (January 27, 2025 9:02 am)