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December 13, 2019 11:52 am  #1


Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

I'm dutch, so my english might be a bit wanting, sorry for that.

We married young (M21, F19), both virgin and in our first relation. During the first 10 years of marriage we got 4 children (everyone of them desired and welcome). Sex was sort of ok. I had to make the first move always, she lacked the enthusiasm I experienced. We thought the reason for this was her negative sexual education/upbringing she got from her parents. My wife had a difficult childhood and very troublesome relation with her parents. Emotionally severely abused by her mother and a father who kept to himself and existed in the background. 

During the next 10 years in marriage real problems arose gradualy. My wife became depressed, started drinking, two suicide attempts, so it realy went south. Understandable our sexual relation became harder and harder, and eventually stopped. We couldn't find a way forward, so we sought counseling. This helped my wife to overcome all kinds of problems stemming from her youth, her depression ended and our sexual relation started functioning again (to some degree). But all of this had an unexpected continuation.

After 20 years of marriage my wife fell deeply in love with a woman and thus realized that she was lesbian (it didn't led to actual adultery). Although our sexual relation was not going well for years and we have had much troubles, we cared for each other deeply. But she finally had found the explanation for her inability to experience sexual feelings she should have for me. After considering her feelings well, my wife told me not long after.
 
We still loved each other and both wanted to stay true to our vows. It sure wasn't easy to find a way to deal with this, but we certainly did!

Key for us, we decided: 
No intimate emotional and/or sexual relations outside our marriage, so we (still) go for a monogamous marriage.
Total acceptance of each other. This works both ways! I accept and respect her as she is, she accepts and respects me as I am. Without any reproach. That also meant finding a way to keep sexual intimacy in our relation going. 
And lots of communication, we talked and talked! 

As it turned out, having found an explanation for the problems in our sexual relation, made it easier for her to deal with sexuality. In the years before it weighed heavy on her not to know what the cause was. Now this was lifted she could be relaxed about it and without self blame. She knew sexual intimacy was important for me so for that reason she wanted it too.

The first few years were the most difficult. It was turmoil. Coping with feelings (not the least because she was discovering all kinds of new ones). Also I demanded that the love for "that woman" should end and all contact broken. My wife agreed and did, but it took many months before she emotionally could terminate it. She kept pictures of the woman on her laptop, regulary played certain popsongs that reminded of her. etc. It was hurting my feelings each time I discovered those kind of things, after several times I became angry about it (and some time later made me seriously doubt whether we could continue our marriage this way). There's no pushbutton to switch off feelings, but eventually she realized that she must really end it emotionally/internally (or it would be the end of our marriage, I made that very clear!). I think it's important to draw the line and keep to that. I was understanding and compassionate, but also aware what I myself wanted and felt. And also I was less confused by feelings then she was, and being more rational had the responsibility to set the boundaries and guidance. (mind you, the whole thing was very emotional for me too, so it's no easy task to make the sensible choices!). There must be a captain on the ship (not a violent dictator) but someone that is compassionate but also takes the lead in troublesome waters and tries to choose as wisely as possible. I tried to get as much information as possible about this issue (back in 2005 there was much less info available, and still is scarce actually). I discussed all those things with my wife. After all: we're in this journey together (even if we're not certain where it will end). It felt like a voyage into the unknown, and hope for the best.

Anyway...much turmoil, but it brought us closer together also. We had to, if we wanted it to succeed (and we both wanted that, it was our sincere and considered choice). Reaching out in love to the needs and troubles of the other. Things settled down eventually, and it looked like we got on a sustainable road. Emotional intimacy grew and in many aspects we had a very good relation. Although there always remained an awareness of lack for both of us: 
My wife could not realize a part of her inner feelings and desires, although she had come to peace with that fact (ie. mostly, she felt it like "this is the consequence of my choice to stay together, that's what I want so I have to deal with that". Still a loss, as in mourning). 
I didn't feel (really) wanted as a (physical) man. It felt like an unspoken rejection, though this never was the intention of my wife. Also (to my frustration) the notion that my sexual expression of love, doesn't come over as it's meant to be. The good and beautiful I give seems to land on barren soil. 

So it worked out to some degree, but it still was a struggle at times. For me it was more difficult to deal with my feelings. It made me vulnerable. And we didn't want to hurt each other, so this kept us from being totally open to the deepest levels of our being. And although I accepted my wife fully as she was, I resisted the consequences it had for myself.
I wanted to avoid the confrontation with the negative emotion of rejection I felt. Because I was (naturally) the one to initiate sex, this meant that it happened less and less (resulting in having sex half a year in between or so). That was not a good thing! We got irritated about all kind of small things, this is not the way we should go. We both realized that. We were sinking into an "just good friends relation", not a real marriage (with all the trimmings that should be there). Although this ideal was years wanting in certain respects, now it became too obvious. Life became sort of a grey mist, and we're just slogging along. Although normal life functions, there is no real happiness.

Suddenly this changed, I got a different perspective: I realized that God loves us, no matter what the consequences were for Him (as Christ has shown). I thought to myself: "that is Real Love, that's what I should do! I will love my wife like the example He gives, regardless the consequences". Real from the heart, not just the mind.
That is not like denying or ignoring my feelings, but choosing something better. It lifted me above my feelings of rejection and disappointment. This was very important, for it opened up the way further. Because my vulnerability was gone, we could talk much more open, being transparent and known to each other. Our relation went to a higher level.

Also our sexual relation improved further without that (inner) experience of rejection I had felt. I liked to initiate sex again (more like once or twice a week). And though my wife still couldn't give herself fully emotionally, she really liked it. We got closer and more intimate, both sexual and emotional. So it went north! We worked together on a speech my wife would give in church, in which she came out as lesbian (in a MOM, so also for me it felt a bit like coming-out). It was received very well. Everyone was very supportive and understanding.

btw. we don't believe homosexuality is a sin, we do however adhere to the christian importance of true love and faithfulness in marriage and seeking the interest of the other. So this was the motivation that drove us. Our christian faith is very important to us, not only because it helpt us going on through difficult times. All things are in Gods hands, whatever the outcome all things work for the better. And if all should have went wrong we should divorce, tragic as it may be. But if you're both in in with love and determination, consider well and try to make it. Much is possible.

So by this time we looked happily upon our future together.
We accepted the fact that sexuality in our relation was relatively good, but would not totally be what it could be (like in a hetero relation). It was good enough for both of us to be satisfied with. Our relation was very good, totally open to each other, accepting and loving, that compensated more than enough for what was lacking. Our marriage had grown wonderful as it was.

However... a few years ago we got the cherry on the pie. Totally unexpected to us actually. All of what we went throug eventually changed my wife's sexual feelings. She's still lesbian, but hetero feelings were added to the equation so to speak. It's not the same as bisexual, some may call it "sexual fluidity". We don't known (and we don't care) if that's the proper expression for it. For her feelings became part of the act, it was (and is) a wonderfull experience, I felt her for the first time as the complete woman she is, and I was blown away! She enjoys having sex with me, in giving and receiving. She loves me and I love her, and it sparks between us. So much more than just lust (although that is also included). Most of all, because all that has happened, we connect on several levels. So we're in a MOM but we have come to a wonderful and very fulfilling relation. 

We enjoy each other in every aspect (including sexuality) and hope to do so for many more years to come. We've developed as persons, in caring and loving and have grown in faith. It was the best that could happen to us. We both changed, not only the sexuality aspect.

But yes, my wife is still lesbian, that's how she feels and experience the world arround her. And really, we don't care a bit about that! Why should we? When a beautiful lady walks down the street we both turn our heads. And than... we smile to each other. Sexual orientation is just a part of who we are, there is so much more to life and what makes us as a person! 

It was 15 years ago that my wife came out as lesbian, so I think it's justified to say that a long term happy MOM between a lesbian and straight man can surely exist.
 

 

December 13, 2019 4:51 pm  #2


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Dutchman wrote:

 It was 15 years ago that my wife came out as lesbian, so I think it's justified to say that a long term happy MOM between a lesbian and straight man can surely exist. 

Dutchman...that's quite a narrative You both appeared to have each others best interests at heart but do you find your trust in your wife isn't as strong as it once was? 
My partner (bisexual) and I (straight) have gone the monogamous route but I often have nagging misgivings of "if he's been dishonest once....he can be dishonest again" 

You wrote...."I think it's important to draw the line and keep to that."...this is so true 


 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 13, 2019 4:53 pm)


KIA KAHA (STAY STRONG)                       
 

December 13, 2019 7:04 pm  #3


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Dutchman wrote:

 It was 15 years ago that my wife came out as lesbian, so I think it's justified to say that a long term happy MOM between a lesbian and straight man can surely exist. 

Dutchman...that's quite a narrative You both appeared to have each others best interests at heart but do you find your trust in your wife isn't as strong as it once was? 
My partner (bisexual) and I (straight) have gone the monogamous route but I often have nagging misgivings of "if he's been dishonest once....he can be dishonest again" 
 

After she told me she had fallen in love with a woman (and ended it) I was very very anxious that it could happen again. It depended on her choice whether or not she wanted to persue her lesbian feelings further. But she decided it was enough for her knowing what she was and leave it at that, the logical choice because she wanted to go for our marriage.  
Nevertheless it took several years to rebuild trust to the level it was before it all happened. But now I'm not worried anymore that she'll fall in love with a woman again. Most importantly because we have a good relation in every aspect, and falling in love with another doesn't happen out of the blue. She would have to be open for it to happen and let it grow to something that could threaten our marriage. Why would she if she is happy with me? Although i'm not a woman, i'm not her "plan B".
I trust also that if there might be an inkling that points in the wrong direction, she would shy away from it before it became something real. I think that one of the important things we've both learned over the years is to handle our feelings, not follow them blindly.

I hope you can rebuild that trust also. It's hard to give a recipe for that. It takes a lot of time and a lot of communication. If both go for real openness and transparency, trust will grow. That I know for sure.

     Thread Starter
 

January 30, 2020 7:08 pm  #4


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Dutchman, thank you for your post. I am REALLY in need of some positive stories here. Personally, I am very uncomfortable with my wife's sexuality now - so it isn't just trust we have to work on. Still. Thank you!

 

January 31, 2020 6:15 pm  #5


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Dutchman, thank you for your post. I am REALLY in need of some positive stories here. 

I've read some of your posts in other topics and hope you'll find some peace of mind. I really think your anxieties about some possible future aren't warranted. 
But I do understand the feelings of uncertainty and fear that can get to you when reading unsettling stories on the internet (like on this forum for instance). I remember building up trust and confidence about my marriage, and then reading something on internet again that could undermine it all. Alarms go off, inner panic is felt. Then thinking about a way to talk about it with my wife, while trying hide the inner anxiety I actually felt as much as possible. (After a while, my wife could tell: "You've been reading a negative internet story again, didn't you?" ). We talked about it and this reassured me that my fears were phantoms and not our reality. Until...
It felt like a need to confront myself with it, hoping this would bring about the evidence that I had nothing to fear, but instead it always worked out the opposite. Also trying to understand sexuality, struggling to get a grip on the subject. Every time I thought I got somewhere, it slipped away. Looking back, it was a bit like the song "John and Mary" of Robert Palmer (how I interpret the song anyway). Eventually I just decided to stop reading those dread stories, and instead looking for positive input only. Much better, and my wife's character and love for me certainly justified this.

Persons (straight, bi or gay) are different, it makes no sense to put your wife in a classification, like she is bound to act like "people of that classification" do. Can you predict what the future of your straight neighbor's marriage will be, just because he/she classifies as "straight"? It's much wiser to pay attention to who your wife actually is as a person, what she actually thinks, what she actually does. For that is reality, and that's a much more reliable predictor for the future.

Personally, I am very uncomfortable with my wife's sexuality now - so it isn't just trust we have to work on.

I think it's connected, trust has everything to do with feeling comfortable with your wife's sexuality.
If you trust your wife's love and faithfulness, her sexuality won't feel as a threat anymore. It takes some time getting used to, and give yourself that time, don't rush it.

You wrote in some other post about watching (lesbian)porn. It unsettled you and I can relate to that. In the years after my wife came out, we sometimes watched lesbian porn together. My intention was to show my wife I accepted her sexuality and in that regard it was positive. But in spite of these good intentions eventually it got emotionally complicated for me. We talked about it, and decided to put it on hold. My wife understood perfectly well and made no problem of it. I tried to rush myself, but my trust, feeling comfortable with her sexuality and handling my own feelings needed time to grow. 
Nowadays we sometimes watch lesbian porn together. But we thought this through and talked about it well. For us this works out if we incidentally (as an exception) watch a movie when we both feel like it, and only as "a dessert" after making love first, so it's like an extra round to extend the fun and it's always clear that it's not a necessary part nor replacement of our sexual relation. This makes sense to us. I don't mean this is like how you or someone else should go about it, it's just to show how unthreatening that "sexual orientation thing" actually can be(come) in a MOM.

     Thread Starter
 

February 2, 2020 10:31 am  #6


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Thanks.

 

February 3, 2020 8:06 am  #7


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Dutchman wrote:

Dutchman, thank you for your post. I am REALLY in need of some positive stories here. 

You wrote in some other post about watching (lesbian)porn. It unsettled you and I can relate to that. In the years after my wife came out, we sometimes watched lesbian porn together. My intention was to show my wife I accepted her sexuality and in that regard it was positive. But in spite of these good intentions eventually it got emotionally complicated for me. We talked about it, and decided to put it on hold. My wife understood perfectly well and made no problem of it. I tried to rush myself, but my trust, feeling comfortable with her sexuality and handling my own feelings needed time to grow. 

How long, after you found out, did it take for you to become truly at ease (no anxiety, disgust, paranoia, or discomfort) with the thought of your wife's sexuality? (Ever?)

How long did it take before when you looked at her, the memory or awareness of her being a lesbian didn't enter your mind at all (as it didn't before you knew)? (Ever?)

I am just curious. What I am reading indicates that this is a multi-year process, which sounds terrible, since I am about ready to collapse from emotional and mental exhaustion (plus physical exhaustion from all the shaking, crying, and convulsing) after a mere month.

 

February 3, 2020 8:52 pm  #8


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

How long, after you found out, did it take for you to become truly at ease (no anxiety, disgust, paranoia, or discomfort) with the thought of your wife's sexuality? (Ever?)

How long did it take before when you looked at her, the memory or awareness of her being a lesbian didn't enter your mind at all (as it didn't before you knew)? (Ever?)

I am just curious. What I am reading indicates that this is a multi-year process, which sounds terrible, since I am about ready to collapse from emotional and mental exhaustion (plus physical exhaustion from all the shaking, crying, and convulsing) after a mere month.

My wife came out being lesbian, she expressed to have no physical attraction towards men. Obviously that included me. So for me/us it was rock bottom to start from.
I hope you can appreciate your situation has much more that goes for you, compared to where I came from 15 years ago. Not (!) that I intend to downplay your feelings or anxiety with that.

To cope with lesbianism in a MOM, has been quite 'complicated'. Okay...now, I can give this very 'cooled down description'. Obviously it was hardship for many years. It took us a lot of time to work through this, but realize that our starting point was miles below your current situation. So don't put my story line next to yours as if they should somehow match in time span. That whole comparison thing maybe the very caveat you're falling in, trying to find a story that matches completely. But trust me (after looking for years myself for that prescription), you'll never find it, because your story with your wife is totally unique. 
You are an unique person and so is your wife, celebrate that.

So please consider yourself, what are you doing or trying to achieve? 
You read our story, sure it was hardship for many years. But why did you pick out the "many years", but missed the fact that our situation was very much darker and desperate to begin with?
Are you aware that you are actively selecting negative aspects? Not that you actually want to do that, but your anxiety is forcing you to. And I know the groove you're in, I've been there. But try to snap out of it, forbid yourself thinking that way. For it will do you no good, moreover it could harm your relation and become a self fulfilling prophesy.

To further answer your questions:
It took many years before I truly came at ease with my wife's sexuality. Main reason: she's lesbian (not bisexual!) so I felt physically rejected being a man. Those years were hardship and have wounded me up to five years ago. From then on I handled my feelings differently, and once her sexual feelings towards me also changed, healing started. 
She was and still is lesbian, but she is attracted to me also. So she has become 'one man short of being lesbian'. I am fully aware she is lesbian, but that doesn't bother me at all. She loves me and likes to make love to me, so why would it bother me? I really wouldn't know what the heck it matters she's lesbian. Since then I feel no anxiety or paranoia, certainly no disgust (never have), there is no discomfort whatsoever. On the contrary, I am happy with her and our sexual relation is wonderful. I feel desired and very much loved. This has become my reality.

Why would you fear to have the same multi-year process? For what I understand your wife isn't lesbian. 
Why would you allow yourself to be overcome by anxiety? Your wife doesn't indicate she wants to cheat on you or explore her sexuality outside marriage.
Why is it actually a problem that your wife has bisexual feelings? Do you think I should have a problem with my wife about her lesbian feelings? Can you explain to me what my current problem is?

(btw. I hope it's clear that I write this because I try to help you, not to criticize you! )

     Thread Starter
 

February 4, 2020 10:56 am  #9


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Thank you for the response. I can recognize that our situations differ. However, I have no other similar MOM male to speak with, it seems. Everyone else is divorced or female, seems to be. Also, your wife seems to have come to this conclusion with a feeling of still loving you, which is similar to my situation, not one of these women who comes out and then abandons everyone like used tampons (another mass of stories follow this line). So, in short, you are the best person I have found so far to use as an example to follow (even at merely an inspirational level).

I am interested in time tables for you because, as I understand it, you are 15 years from ground zero. Nobody else I have found has that sort of retrospective advantage. They are all just one or three years out and still struggling.

While my wife did not come out as lesbian (yet, for all I can really know), I remain concerned that she is drastically downplaying and ignoring her homo drives. So, our situations may not actually be that dissimilar on that front. Further, though she does still have a sexual interest in me, I don't personally understand why. I wouldn't pick me over a woman, you know? If she now realizes she has this choice, I cannot say that I would choose any differently. At any rate, I am interested in your time tables because, as I said, I am wondering how patient is straying into fantasy/toxic land. Six months? Until my little daughters are getting married?

In terms of my anxiety about cheating, I already feel she has cheated on me. By many common definitions of infidelity, her two year secret use of lesbian porn totally counts. She knew it would greatly upset me, as her being straight was a thoroughly and heartfelt issue we talked about when we dated, and she intentionally hid these activities from me (hiding the porn, deleting history, not talking about it, etc.) and didn't stop out of concern for me, her sexual health, or our marriage - just because she found some other types of porn that worked even better. Mind you, lesbian porn would still totally work. She cannot explain yet why she allowed herself to pursue an activity (for a long time and many times, each requiring thoughtful planning, timing, and secrecy) that she KNEW would devastate me. So, given that, I don't see any logical reason why she wouldn't have cheated on me physically instead, except that it wouldn't please her the same way or was outside her personal comfort zone. I also see that, when she wants something, she tells herself whatever she needs to in order to make it ok to do it (even if she still knows she has to hide it).

The bisexuality feelings upset me at a few levels. One, she claimed vehemently when we were dating that they didn't exist (this indicates she doesn't know her own feelings, which causes me anxiety). Two, sexual desires toward the same sex have been the cause of probably half a dozen or more separations of couples I know personally very well and a dozen or so I know less directly, plus thousands more I know only from stats and stories on forums. Three, I have a gut and blood level visceral reaction against being in a relationship with someone that feels this way. I am not positive why. I also don't find the idea of being in a relationship with men at all appealing. Yet, nobody asks me to justify that one. Gay men want to be with other gay men. And, on the whole, lesbians want to be with other lesbians. Straight people, though? They have to justify themselves on this question for some reason. I am not against wondering, and I do have my theories - jealousy of her attention, seeing women as a more real threat (since I actually understand how desirable they are), feeling inadequate if someone so very different from me is desired, the association with all those divorces and breakups, the tie it has to the infidelity, the fact that her desire towards women is new to me and I have no experience dealing with it, and I could go on.

 

February 5, 2020 3:50 pm  #10


Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

I don't think using my "time tables" as absolute number of months or years is useful, because circumstances and external factors had a lot of influence. 
I'll give you a short overview of our history in the first couple of years:

The first two or three months were confusing, I tried to understand what it meant she called herself lesbian. Also figuring out what it meant for the 20 years of marriage before that. (was it real love? Did she know all the time before?) What's going on in her mind when she looks at women, and what about looking at me?  etc etc. It's like entering a world with different laws of physics, everything I thought was certain had become questions. Very unsettling and threatening.
For me it was about the same as how you describe your feelings. The whole thing was a terrible experience. 
Also, she had fallen in love with a woman, and though she didn't see that woman anymore, these feelings were still actual. 

The next half year (ie. more or less and as I remember... it's been a while), it became less chaotic to me. Life didn't spin out of control. I started to comprehend it a bit, giving it a place in my thinking. Reflecting more on the situation and trying to figure out how to go about it. Note: from the unset I made it clear that we would remain monogamous and not choose a sexless marriage. This was my intuitive response, but was very important. It set the baseline to work from. It gave me at least some sense of certainty in this crazy world, and the minimal trust our relation needed.

But I noticed my wife still held on to her "falling in love feelings" (can't find the right English expression, but assume it's clear). I got more hurt in my feelings and angry about it when I discovered it (again and again). I couldn't understand why she did this, while she knew how hurtful it was to me. It made me feel like I was (actually) unimportant in her true feelings. Like deep down she wanted something else than me, I was nothing more than her "have to cope with situation", and not what she really-really wanted.
It build up to a point I refused to go on like this. Because this was not a situation that could endure for years. Against all I wanted, I found myself for the first time considering divorce. We needed help.
It's okay she was lesbian, but there had to be something done to make a MOM succeed. Just let it be like it is, doesn't work out. She had to change the way she handled her feelings. 

The next twelve months, we went in "relation therapy". This was aimed to learn to talk about feelings and emotions and rebuild trust. This was very helpful. At first it was difficult, but eventually (after three months or so) we noticed how much good it did, our communication improved. 
I am a rational type of person, I was used to handle my emotions by rationalizing them and gaining selfcontrol that way. But all that happened those years proved more than I could handle this way. My "rationality system" fell short in face with the situation at hand. Trying to think, rationalize, understand can be useful, but there is a limit to it. Sexuality tends to go beyond that. Rational thinking doesn't give the right/useful answers anymore.

Next to the relation therapy, we visited a therapist that had experience with homosexuality (and MOMs). At first my wife and I attended it together, later individually for my wife. This was very helpful. It helped my wife to position her lesbian feelings in herself. Not: "you are lesbian", but: "you have lesbian feelings". This may look like a trivial rewording, but it made a lot of difference! My wife considered her lesbian feelings not as all defining principle of who she is, but as one of the parts what's she's made of. Thus giving her a degree of control over her feelings, something she has to say about herself, not feeling the need to follow blindly.
She had power to choose from all other aspects of her life: love for me, our family, her values, all kind of things. And yes, one of those aspects are her lesbian feelings also. But she (as a person) is the boss that decides. 

This marked the important difference, for she realized she had opportunity about her own life choices.
Also notice that this stance goes against cultural pressure, and most information that one receives via media or internet. People are supposed to follow sexual feelings, no questions asked. If one resists that opinion it's called homophobic, suppressing, even unethical. They press people to subdue to their feelings to become "free". While actually they become enslaved by it and their proponents.

For me the considered choices my wife made brought my mind to rest also. I understood my wife's situation and feelings, accepted them also, but also the grounds on which her decisions for our life together were based. This wasn't a haphazard approach, where any time feelings could turn against me, but a well considered choice. 


Anyway, this is the time table breakdown of our first two years after her discovering lesbian feelings. The first part definitely was the most difficult. In hindsight we should have gotten help sooner (therapy), this probably would have limited a lot of hardship (shortened it). It's very important to seek a way to handle homosexuality in a real and constructive manner. So not ignoring or let it simmer, but really deal with it. Confronting the situation your in, making choices. And find the right kind of help! Aimed to get a grip on the situation, setting a base for moving forward.
To my opinion it won't be helpful to join groups which are themselves struggling along. It maybe nice to share hardship, but it doesn't change or solve anything. Selecting a therapist is also important. Initially we had someone who suggested each of us (or together) to find girlfriends. Not very helpful to keep a marriage going...

While my wife did not come out as lesbian (yet, for all I can really know), I remain concerned that she is drastically downplaying and ignoring her homo drives. So, our situations may not actually be that dissimilar on that front. Further, though she does still have a sexual interest in me, I don't personally understand why. I wouldn't pick me over a woman, you know? If she now realizes she has this choice, I cannot say that I would choose any differently. 

Maybe she loves you, and that's more important to her than some sexual preference? 
The sexual orientation thing is totally on top of your thinking at the moment. But it doesn't have to be like that, love is much more important.
To make the sexual orientation thing decisive is culture, and those are the stories you read, and line of thinking of other people who are just as much influenced by that.
Try to think independently, it's your life, your wife. Why would you not pay attention to what she expresses and just concentrate on that? That's your choice, nobody forces you. It's in your power to decide what you allow yourself to think. It's not useful imagining things you would do, stick to reality!

In terms of my anxiety about cheating, I already feel she has cheated on me. By many common definitions of infidelity, her two year secret use of lesbian porn totally counts. She knew it would greatly upset me, as her being straight was a thoroughly and heartfelt issue we talked about when we dated, and she intentionally hid these activities from me (hiding the porn, deleting history, not talking about it, etc.) and didn't stop out of concern for me, her sexual health, or our marriage - just because she found some other types of porn that worked even better. 

The reason she watched lesbian porn (most likely) has to do with a part of her sexuality. Something she needed to acknowledge for herself. It's not sensible to hold that against her. Even when she didn't know that side of her, when she was younger. The reason she did it secretly may well be because she's afraid of your reaction, and she doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe she felt there wasn't much room to tell about it, without upsetting you.
She kept it to herself, what else could she do? I'm not saying this is the way to go. It signals a lack of communication. I see it as an opportunity to get real openness to a higher level. And when she feels accepted just the way she is, it will give her joy in your relation and mutual trust. 
I understand this is complicated to you, you have to find a way to handle sexual orientation in a more relaxed way. Not to see it as a threat, nor as a rejection of you. 
At the same time, she has to give it a place in herself, not something which should dictate her, she is in control and make her own choices (you!). 
Which you from your side have to trust as reality and foundation to build on.

Well, this is the very thing that has to be learned... It's easy to write, but actually doing it takes time. That's the reason my time table isn't expressed in weeks.
It took us about two years to get to this.

Our "time table" didn't end there, but for now I keep it at this.

Last edited by Dutchman (February 5, 2020 3:56 pm)

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