Dutchman wrote:

 It was 15 years ago that my wife came out as lesbian, so I think it's justified to say that a long term happy MOM between a lesbian and straight man can surely exist. 

Dutchman...that's quite a narrative You both appeared to have each others best interests at heart but do you find your trust in your wife isn't as strong as it once was? 
My partner (bisexual) and I (straight) have gone the monogamous route but I often have nagging misgivings of "if he's been dishonest once....he can be dishonest again" 

You wrote...."I think it's important to draw the line and keep to that."...this is so true 


 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 13, 2019 4:53 pm)

Dutchman, thank you for your post. I am REALLY in need of some positive stories here. Personally, I am very uncomfortable with my wife's sexuality now - so it isn't just trust we have to work on. Still. Thank you!

Thanks.

How long, after you found out, did it take for you to become truly at ease (no anxiety, disgust, paranoia, or discomfort) with the thought of your wife's sexuality? (Ever?)

How long did it take before when you looked at her, the memory or awareness of her being a lesbian didn't enter your mind at all (as it didn't before you knew)? (Ever?)

I am just curious. What I am reading indicates that this is a multi-year process, which sounds terrible, since I am about ready to collapse from emotional and mental exhaustion (plus physical exhaustion from all the shaking, crying, and convulsing) after a mere month.

My wife came out being lesbian, she expressed to have no physical attraction towards men. Obviously that included me. So for me/us it was rock bottom to start from.
I hope you can appreciate your situation has much more that goes for you, compared to where I came from 15 years ago. Not (!) that I intend to downplay your feelings or anxiety with that.

To cope with lesbianism in a MOM, has been quite 'complicated'. Okay...now, I can give this very 'cooled down description'. Obviously it was hardship for many years. It took us a lot of time to work through this, but realize that our starting point was miles below your current situation. So don't put my story line next to yours as if they should somehow match in time span. That whole comparison thing maybe the very caveat you're falling in, trying to find a story that matches completely. But trust me (after looking for years myself for that prescription), you'll never find it, because your story with your wife is totally unique. 
You are an unique person and so is your wife, celebrate that.

So please consider yourself, what are you doing or trying to achieve? 
You read our story, sure it was hardship for many years. But why did you pick out the "many years", but missed the fact that our situation was very much darker and desperate to begin with?
Are you aware that you are actively selecting negative aspects? Not that you actually want to do that, but your anxiety is forcing you to. And I know the groove you're in, I've been there. But try to snap out of it, forbid yourself thinking that way. For it will do you no good, moreover it could harm your relation and become a self fulfilling prophesy.

To further answer your questions:
It took many years before I truly came at ease with my wife's sexuality. Main reason: she's lesbian (not bisexual!) so I felt physically rejected being a man. Those years were hardship and have wounded me up to five years ago. From then on I handled my feelings differently, and once her sexual feelings towards me also changed, healing started. 
She was and still is lesbian, but she is attracted to me also. So she has become 'one man short of being lesbian'. I am fully aware she is lesbian, but that doesn't bother me at all. She loves me and likes to make love to me, so why would it bother me? I really wouldn't know what the heck it matters she's lesbian. Since then I feel no anxiety or paranoia, certainly no disgust (never have), there is no discomfort whatsoever. On the contrary, I am happy with her and our sexual relation is wonderful. I feel desired and very much loved. This has become my reality.

Why would you fear to have the same multi-year process? For what I understand your wife isn't lesbian. 
Why would you allow yourself to be overcome by anxiety? Your wife doesn't indicate she wants to cheat on you or explore her sexuality outside marriage.
Why is it actually a problem that your wife has bisexual feelings? Do you think I should have a problem with my wife about her lesbian feelings? Can you explain to me what my current problem is?

(btw. I hope it's clear that I write this because I try to help you, not to criticize you! )

I don't think using my "time tables" as absolute number of months or years is useful, because circumstances and external factors had a lot of influence. 
I'll give you a short overview of our history in the first couple of years:

The first two or three months were confusing, I tried to understand what it meant she called herself lesbian. Also figuring out what it meant for the 20 years of marriage before that. (was it real love? Did she know all the time before?) What's going on in her mind when she looks at women, and what about looking at me?  etc etc. It's like entering a world with different laws of physics, everything I thought was certain had become questions. Very unsettling and threatening.
For me it was about the same as how you describe your feelings. The whole thing was a terrible experience. 
Also, she had fallen in love with a woman, and though she didn't see that woman anymore, these feelings were still actual. 

The next half year (ie. more or less and as I remember... it's been a while), it became less chaotic to me. Life didn't spin out of control. I started to comprehend it a bit, giving it a place in my thinking. Reflecting more on the situation and trying to figure out how to go about it. Note: from the unset I made it clear that we would remain monogamous and not choose a sexless marriage. This was my intuitive response, but was very important. It set the baseline to work from. It gave me at least some sense of certainty in this crazy world, and the minimal trust our relation needed.

But I noticed my wife still held on to her "falling in love feelings" (can't find the right English expression, but assume it's clear). I got more hurt in my feelings and angry about it when I discovered it (again and again). I couldn't understand why she did this, while she knew how hurtful it was to me. It made me feel like I was (actually) unimportant in her true feelings. Like deep down she wanted something else than me, I was nothing more than her "have to cope with situation", and not what she really-really wanted.
It build up to a point I refused to go on like this. Because this was not a situation that could endure for years. Against all I wanted, I found myself for the first time considering divorce. We needed help.
It's okay she was lesbian, but there had to be something done to make a MOM succeed. Just let it be like it is, doesn't work out. She had to change the way she handled her feelings. 

The next twelve months, we went in "relation therapy". This was aimed to learn to talk about feelings and emotions and rebuild trust. This was very helpful. At first it was difficult, but eventually (after three months or so) we noticed how much good it did, our communication improved. 
I am a rational type of person, I was used to handle my emotions by rationalizing them and gaining selfcontrol that way. But all that happened those years proved more than I could handle this way. My "rationality system" fell short in face with the situation at hand. Trying to think, rationalize, understand can be useful, but there is a limit to it. Sexuality tends to go beyond that. Rational thinking doesn't give the right/useful answers anymore.

Next to the relation therapy, we visited a therapist that had experience with homosexuality (and MOMs). At first my wife and I attended it together, later individually for my wife. This was very helpful. It helped my wife to position her lesbian feelings in herself. Not: "you are lesbian", but: "you have lesbian feelings". This may look like a trivial rewording, but it made a lot of difference! My wife considered her lesbian feelings not as all defining principle of who she is, but as one of the parts what's she's made of. Thus giving her a degree of control over her feelings, something she has to say about herself, not feeling the need to follow blindly.
She had power to choose from all other aspects of her life: love for me, our family, her values, all kind of things. And yes, one of those aspects are her lesbian feelings also. But she (as a person) is the boss that decides. 

This marked the important difference, for she realized she had opportunity about her own life choices.
Also notice that this stance goes against cultural pressure, and most information that one receives via media or internet. People are supposed to follow sexual feelings, no questions asked. If one resists that opinion it's called homophobic, suppressing, even unethical. They press people to subdue to their feelings to become "free". While actually they become enslaved by it and their proponents.

For me the considered choices my wife made brought my mind to rest also. I understood my wife's situation and feelings, accepted them also, but also the grounds on which her decisions for our life together were based. This wasn't a haphazard approach, where any time feelings could turn against me, but a well considered choice. 


Anyway, this is the time table breakdown of our first two years after her discovering lesbian feelings. The first part definitely was the most difficult. In hindsight we should have gotten help sooner (therapy), this probably would have limited a lot of hardship (shortened it). It's very important to seek a way to handle homosexuality in a real and constructive manner. So not ignoring or let it simmer, but really deal with it. Confronting the situation your in, making choices. And find the right kind of help! Aimed to get a grip on the situation, setting a base for moving forward.
To my opinion it won't be helpful to join groups which are themselves struggling along. It maybe nice to share hardship, but it doesn't change or solve anything. Selecting a therapist is also important. Initially we had someone who suggested each of us (or together) to find girlfriends. Not very helpful to keep a marriage going...

While my wife did not come out as lesbian (yet, for all I can really know), I remain concerned that she is drastically downplaying and ignoring her homo drives. So, our situations may not actually be that dissimilar on that front. Further, though she does still have a sexual interest in me, I don't personally understand why. I wouldn't pick me over a woman, you know? If she now realizes she has this choice, I cannot say that I would choose any differently. 

Maybe she loves you, and that's more important to her than some sexual preference? 
The sexual orientation thing is totally on top of your thinking at the moment. But it doesn't have to be like that, love is much more important.
To make the sexual orientation thing decisive is culture, and those are the stories you read, and line of thinking of other people who are just as much influenced by that.
Try to think independently, it's your life, your wife. Why would you not pay attention to what she expresses and just concentrate on that? That's your choice, nobody forces you. It's in your power to decide what you allow yourself to think. It's not useful imagining things you would do, stick to reality!

In terms of my anxiety about cheating, I already feel she has cheated on me. By many common definitions of infidelity, her two year secret use of lesbian porn totally counts. She knew it would greatly upset me, as her being straight was a thoroughly and heartfelt issue we talked about when we dated, and she intentionally hid these activities from me (hiding the porn, deleting history, not talking about it, etc.) and didn't stop out of concern for me, her sexual health, or our marriage - just because she found some other types of porn that worked even better. 

The reason she watched lesbian porn (most likely) has to do with a part of her sexuality. Something she needed to acknowledge for herself. It's not sensible to hold that against her. Even when she didn't know that side of her, when she was younger. The reason she did it secretly may well be because she's afraid of your reaction, and she doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe she felt there wasn't much room to tell about it, without upsetting you.
She kept it to herself, what else could she do? I'm not saying this is the way to go. It signals a lack of communication. I see it as an opportunity to get real openness to a higher level. And when she feels accepted just the way she is, it will give her joy in your relation and mutual trust. 
I understand this is complicated to you, you have to find a way to handle sexual orientation in a more relaxed way. Not to see it as a threat, nor as a rejection of you. 
At the same time, she has to give it a place in herself, not something which should dictate her, she is in control and make her own choices (you!). 
Which you from your side have to trust as reality and foundation to build on.

Well, this is the very thing that has to be learned... It's easy to write, but actually doing it takes time. That's the reason my time table isn't expressed in weeks.
It took us about two years to get to this.

Our "time table" didn't end there, but for now I keep it at this.

Last edited by Dutchman (February 5, 2020 3:56 pm)