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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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July 31, 2020 6:50 am  #1


Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

I am new to this site and found it during my searches about mixed orientation marriages. We are not married but engaged. He has mentioned ending the relationship, but then we both cry and say how we can’t imagine our lives without the other and how we love and care about each other so much. When we talked about ending things he said he is not looking for a new relationship right away, he just wants to end things because he is not interested in sex with a woman. Is this something you think we can make work? Are relationships like this usually successful? I am fine without sex as I am not a very sexual person anyway, but I need to talk to him to see if he is fine without it or if he will be searching for it with a man. Has anyone been through something like this and what did you do? We said we could be friends, but that is so hard. I pictured being with him forever and I have never loved someone as much as I do him.

 

July 31, 2020 10:25 am  #2


Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

I just found out my husband of 12 years is bisexual. Honestly, if he told me he was gay, there is no way I would enter into marriage. However, I believe in monogamy, both emotionally and sexually.  Be friends. 

 

August 1, 2020 10:14 am  #3


Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

Your specific situation is not known to me. Relations between straight and gay, where there is honesty, openness and acceptance during engagement, and resulting in a MOM, mostly follow the path where they are having/developing genuine sexual attraction (usually only for that one special person of the opposite sex). This can work out fine.
But consciously choosing a sexless marriage is something quite different.

I am fine without sex as I am not a very sexual person anyway, but I need to talk to him to see if he is fine without it or if he will be searching for it with a man.

It's very essential you both talk about and know this first (with absolute certainty).
If he's not totally fine with a sexless marriage and freely willing to choose that option, (so not like he has to choose this because of you being a woman, but he himself would consider that option even when it was a gay marriage), he has to deny/repress his need for sexual intimacy. This could potentially break him down slowly over the years.
Maybe this is somewhat comparable of MOMs where the wife came out lesbian, and she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore. The husband feels unable to leave the marriage because he loves his wife. Over the years he wears down, and becomes a shadow of the man he once was. 

You could avoid those consequences, by allowing him having sex outside of marriage. If this possible choice is acceptable at all and apart from the emotional entanglements that may arise him having sex with others. But... why marry in the first place? Having a friendship relation seems a lot healthier alternative. 

Is this something you think we can make work? Are relationships like this usually successful?

I don't think there are statistics available on your exceptional situation. ;)
To my opinion is excluding sexuality from marriage a potential troublesome choice (unless both are asexual or "content celibates").


But I want to ask you something, it's a bit thinking out of the box... 
Your friend is gay, and therefore sex with women (ie. you) is out of the question. But what are his thoughts about sexual attraction as a result of love? Sure, usually it's the other way around, but who cares? Is there a law against approaching things (differently) than expected from mainstream?
People have a peculiar habit to conform to what is told them how they should behave/feel etc. This can trap peoples minds and possibilities. Labeling not only others, but also yourself. Like the "I'm gay, so...".
Putting yourself in a box, and convinced that is it. So focused on that so called "truth", that possibilities beyond are blurred.
But there are other options, the human mind (including sexuality) is much more versatile than labels and learned culture expectations suggest.

By no means I want to state this is some guaranteed way things will go. But that this possibility exists and could happen given the right circumstances (determined deep felt love, honesty, acceptance) I know for sure. It's not about change of sexual orientation nor bisexuality, but experiencing sexual attraction towards someone of "the not preferred sex". Like the MOM's I mentioned in the start of this post (as in my own MOM also, although we found it after several years into marriage).
It's also not pushing the right button and voila. It happens if and when it happens. But it starts with being free of self-imposed labels and assumptions, change the way of thinking, and reaching to someone you really love. 

Whatever you both choose, I wanted to give you this line of thought for consideration as well.

 

August 26, 2020 12:52 pm  #4


Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

First be grateful that the subject was brought up before marriage. It is a good sign that communication will be open and honest as you explore your options.  The two of you have a lot to discuss and clarify I would advise that you invest in some time with an experienced family and marriage therapist to help you decide what is best or you as a couple. A good marriage counselor should be aware of potential issues that would not even occur to you.  In answer to your question "Can it work?"  It can - but like in all marriages there will be sacrifices.  A marriage counselor would be aware of issues that haven't even occurred to you. You might want to think about what are your personal choices?  Do you believe in fidelity in marriage or is this going to be an open relationship? Are you weighing the options of life with your fiance compared with the potential of marrying someone else in a few years  --  or are your life circumstances such that you are comparing a celibate life with him compared to the rest of your life alone and celibate?  What about children?   Are you emotional prepared to have him emotionally detached and wishing he was with someone else if sexual experiences with you are part of your relationship?  There is much more to intimacy that the act that would create children.  What tender loving expressions would exist in your marriage?  How will he show to you that you are cherished?  Will you start to feel that he loves you like he loves his mother, sister, or daughters?  Will that impact your self concept?  

 

April 19, 2021 9:51 am  #5


Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

I just came across this forum today, looking for answers to similar questians as @Anonymous1217. 
I`m at the beginning of a relationship, with a man who came out to me as having had homosexual tendencies since his teens (he´s around 40 now). Due to his religious beliefs he decided to never act out on these and hasn´t been in a relationship at all (neither with a woman nor a man). 
Although I´m clear with my sexuality (I´m a straight woman), I haven´t been in a relationship either - it just never quite worked out.
So it´s not just having to figure out all of the basic relationship-stuff, that others work through in their teens, therer´s that big bubble of uncertainty above our heads.

Actually at this moment I just wanted to say thank you to @Dutchman for your post about thinking "outside the box". It just felt like a little ray of sunshine to me in an otherwise mainly dark picture. 
I´m glad I found this forum and I´m looking forward to exchange experiences. 

 

April 20, 2021 8:56 am  #6


Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

Roka.
Maybe this video is helpful to you:
https://www.livingout.org/resources/stories/19/sean-and-gaby

Many people don't understand these "straight and gay-with-one-exception" relationships. They're trying to label it as bisexual, denounce it altogethter or whatever... 
But I've seen more stories like Sean and Gaby, they all have common denominators.
 
- Honesty, openness and heart felt acceptance (of themselves and the other). 
- The strive for a pure and dedicated relation. 
- Love grows, the importance of the other takes a central place rather than the sexual orientation.
- Sexual attraction is genuinely felt from some point on. (often pops up as a surprise)
- They take their time to consider things well, they don't rush into it.

I think you're also aware of how things can go wrong. When it's not very well grounded on these principles. 
There is no room to cut corners, no superficial cover-ups, and no other motivation than real love for the other. 
This takes time and lots of talks and learning to know each other very very well. 
And at the same time enjoying each others' company, interests and having fun.


Concerning religion:
I understand/respect Christians who are gay, but have the conviction they don't should act out their sexual orientation.

It's important they have no issue with God about their sexuality on itself. So a straight relation isn't seen as a means to avoid God's judgement, or get Gods approvement, or things like that.
Nor a straight relation will turn being gay to straight. These motivations, albeit sincere and well-meant, just won't do. Because a relation is with you, and you as a woman and the complete person you are.
Mind and body included! So for him it should be about the importance of you, not like a workaround to a religious issue.
I mentioned acceptance, for a believer self-acceptance would also imply knowing/feeling accepted by God as one is (gay feelings included).

 

April 29, 2021 8:22 am  #7


Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?

Thanks again, Dutchman. 

I´m well aware of the pitfalls and since we´re striving for the things you mentioned in your post I guess we´ve got as good a chance at everything turning out right (or not) as any relationship that´s facing challenges. 
And since this whole relationship thing is new to both of us, we might as well discover that it might be easier than imagined. Or not. Who knows. But we´re willing to accept each other as we are, flaws and challenges included. It´s a progress of finding out what we both want individually and as a couple while being open about the challenges we´re facing and the joy we´re sharing. 

Concerning the aspect of religion: he decided not to have a relationship rather than one that went against his beliefs. Meanwhile he has put a lot of work in the self-acceptance part and got to a pretty good point. We´ve hat conversations about that and he´s definetly not trying to cover up or surpress his same-sex attraction by being in a relationship now. Suprisingly enough he wants to be in a relationship with me and has been very open and considerate towards me since the beginning of us dating.  
The thing that´s completely open as of now is the extend of his sexual attraction towards me. We´re moving slowly, taking a lot of time to discover what´s good and where we have to wait for the yet unknown outcome. So it´s a precess, sometimes testing my patience, yes. But when you´re in love, you´re in love. And love is patient

I´m glad I can share my situation here. As you can imagine, it´s not a topic you talk about with a lot of people. 

 

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