OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 - Anonymous1217
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Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
I am new to this site and found it during my searches about mixed orientation marriages. We are not married but engaged. He has mentioned ending the relationship, but then we both cry and say how we can’t imagine our lives without the other and how we love and care about each other so much. When we talked about ending things he said he is not looking for a new relationship right away, he just wants to end things because he is not interested in sex with a woman. Is this something you think we can make work? Are relationships like this usually successful? I am fine without sex as I am not a very sexual person anyway, but I need to talk to him to see if he is fine without it or if he will be searching for it with a man. Has anyone been through something like this and what did you do? We said we could be friends, but that is so hard. I pictured being with him forever and I have never loved someone as much as I do him.
- Echo
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
I just found out my husband of 12 years is bisexual. Honestly, if he told me he was gay, there is no way I would enter into marriage. However, I believe in monogamy, both emotionally and sexually. Be friends.
- Dutchman
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
Your specific situation is not known to me. Relations between straight and gay, where there is honesty, openness and acceptance during engagement, and resulting in a MOM, mostly follow the path where they are having/developing genuine sexual attraction (usually only for that one special person of the opposite sex). This can work out fine.
But consciously choosing a sexless marriage is something quite different.
I am fine without sex as I am not a very sexual person anyway, but I need to talk to him to see if he is fine without it or if he will be searching for it with a man.
It's very essential you both talk about and know this first (with absolute certainty).
If he's not totally fine with a sexless marriage and freely willing to choose that option, (so not like he has to choose this because of you being a woman, but he himself would consider that option even when it was a gay marriage), he has to deny/repress his need for sexual intimacy. This could potentially break him down slowly over the years.
Maybe this is somewhat comparable of MOMs where the wife came out lesbian, and she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore. The husband feels unable to leave the marriage because he loves his wife. Over the years he wears down, and becomes a shadow of the man he once was.
You could avoid those consequences, by allowing him having sex outside of marriage. If this possible choice is acceptable at all and apart from the emotional entanglements that may arise him having sex with others. But... why marry in the first place? Having a friendship relation seems a lot healthier alternative.
Is this something you think we can make work? Are relationships like this usually successful?
I don't think there are statistics available on your exceptional situation. ;)
To my opinion is excluding sexuality from marriage a potential troublesome choice (unless both are asexual or "content celibates").
But I want to ask you something, it's a bit thinking out of the box...
Your friend is gay, and therefore sex with women (ie. you) is out of the question. But what are his thoughts about sexual attraction as a result of love? Sure, usually it's the other way around, but who cares? Is there a law against approaching things (differently) than expected from mainstream?
People have a peculiar habit to conform to what is told them how they should behave/feel etc. This can trap peoples minds and possibilities. Labeling not only others, but also yourself. Like the "I'm gay, so...".
Putting yourself in a box, and convinced that is it. So focused on that so called "truth", that possibilities beyond are blurred.
But there are other options, the human mind (including sexuality) is much more versatile than labels and learned culture expectations suggest.
By no means I want to state this is some guaranteed way things will go. But that this possibility exists and could happen given the right circumstances (determined deep felt love, honesty, acceptance) I know for sure. It's not about change of sexual orientation nor bisexuality, but experiencing sexual attraction towards someone of "the not preferred sex". Like the MOM's I mentioned in the start of this post (as in my own MOM also, although we found it after several years into marriage).
It's also not pushing the right button and voila. It happens if and when it happens. But it starts with being free of self-imposed labels and assumptions, change the way of thinking, and reaching to someone you really love.
Whatever you both choose, I wanted to give you this line of thought for consideration as well.
- Grandma
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
First be grateful that the subject was brought up before marriage. It is a good sign that communication will be open and honest as you explore your options. The two of you have a lot to discuss and clarify I would advise that you invest in some time with an experienced family and marriage therapist to help you decide what is best or you as a couple. A good marriage counselor should be aware of potential issues that would not even occur to you. In answer to your question "Can it work?" It can - but like in all marriages there will be sacrifices. A marriage counselor would be aware of issues that haven't even occurred to you. You might want to think about what are your personal choices? Do you believe in fidelity in marriage or is this going to be an open relationship? Are you weighing the options of life with your fiance compared with the potential of marrying someone else in a few years -- or are your life circumstances such that you are comparing a celibate life with him compared to the rest of your life alone and celibate? What about children? Are you emotional prepared to have him emotionally detached and wishing he was with someone else if sexual experiences with you are part of your relationship? There is much more to intimacy that the act that would create children. What tender loving expressions would exist in your marriage? How will he show to you that you are cherished? Will you start to feel that he loves you like he loves his mother, sister, or daughters? Will that impact your self concept?
- roka
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
I just came across this forum today, looking for answers to similar questians as @Anonymous1217.
I`m at the beginning of a relationship, with a man who came out to me as having had homosexual tendencies since his teens (he´s around 40 now). Due to his religious beliefs he decided to never act out on these and hasn´t been in a relationship at all (neither with a woman nor a man).
Although I´m clear with my sexuality (I´m a straight woman), I haven´t been in a relationship either - it just never quite worked out.
So it´s not just having to figure out all of the basic relationship-stuff, that others work through in their teens, therer´s that big bubble of uncertainty above our heads.
Actually at this moment I just wanted to say thank you to @Dutchman for your post about thinking "outside the box". It just felt like a little ray of sunshine to me in an otherwise mainly dark picture.
I´m glad I found this forum and I´m looking forward to exchange experiences.
- Dutchman
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
Roka.
Maybe this video is helpful to you:
Many people don't understand these "straight and gay-with-one-exception" relationships. They're trying to label it as bisexual, denounce it altogethter or whatever...
But I've seen more stories like Sean and Gaby, they all have common denominators.
- Honesty, openness and heart felt acceptance (of themselves and the other).
- The strive for a pure and dedicated relation.
- Love grows, the importance of the other takes a central place rather than the sexual orientation.
- Sexual attraction is genuinely felt from some point on. (often pops up as a surprise)
- They take their time to consider things well, they don't rush into it.
I think you're also aware of how things can go wrong. When it's not very well grounded on these principles.
There is no room to cut corners, no superficial cover-ups, and no other motivation than real love for the other.
This takes time and lots of talks and learning to know each other very very well.
And at the same time enjoying each others' company, interests and having fun. 
Concerning religion:
I understand/respect Christians who are gay, but have the conviction they don't should act out their sexual orientation.
It's important they have no issue with God about their sexuality on itself. So a straight relation isn't seen as a means to avoid God's judgement, or get Gods approvement, or things like that.
Nor a straight relation will turn being gay to straight. These motivations, albeit sincere and well-meant, just won't do. Because a relation is with you, and you as a woman and the complete person you are.
Mind and body included! So for him it should be about the importance of you, not like a workaround to a religious issue.
I mentioned acceptance, for a believer self-acceptance would also imply knowing/feeling accepted by God as one is (gay feelings included).
- roka
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
Thanks again, Dutchman.
I´m well aware of the pitfalls and since we´re striving for the things you mentioned in your post I guess we´ve got as good a chance at everything turning out right (or not) as any relationship that´s facing challenges.
And since this whole relationship thing is new to both of us, we might as well discover that it might be easier than imagined. Or not. Who knows. But we´re willing to accept each other as we are, flaws and challenges included. It´s a progress of finding out what we both want individually and as a couple while being open about the challenges we´re facing and the joy we´re sharing.
Concerning the aspect of religion: he decided not to have a relationship rather than one that went against his beliefs. Meanwhile he has put a lot of work in the self-acceptance part and got to a pretty good point. We´ve hat conversations about that and he´s definetly not trying to cover up or surpress his same-sex attraction by being in a relationship now. Suprisingly enough he wants to be in a relationship with me and has been very open and considerate towards me since the beginning of us dating.
The thing that´s completely open as of now is the extend of his sexual attraction towards me. We´re moving slowly, taking a lot of time to discover what´s good and where we have to wait for the yet unknown outcome. So it´s a precess, sometimes testing my patience, yes. But when you´re in love, you´re in love. And love is patient
I´m glad I can share my situation here. As you can imagine, it´s not a topic you talk about with a lot of people.
- roka
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
I just revisited this old post and stumbled across this sentence of @Dutchman again:
Dutchman wrote:
But what are his thoughts about sexual attraction as a result of love? Sure, usually it's the other way around, but who cares? Is there a law against approaching things (differently) than expected from mainstream?
About one and a half years later I´m still in the same relationship and I wanted to share some of my story. Maybe someone will find this helpful / hopeful.
From falling in love and rushing in a relationship we have evolved into a very deep comitted partnership with heartfelt appreciation for the other person in their uniqueness. In a way the challenges and insecurities we both have to face are similar, although they might seem to be fundamentally different.
Where my partner always struggled with issues of "being enough" and feeling accepted in general, I have had doubts wheter I could "be enough" as a woman to him.
Through countless talks and some rough times I discovered that within his SSA he is more on the asexual side of the spectre. Somehow this has relieved me. I feel less being in a competition with men he might be attracted to. His expression of not really being that much into the physical part of a relationship has in no way made anything easier on the practical part, but in my head. From there on the question was more, will he be interested in me and less will he be interested in me although I am a woman.
He always identified as being SSA and therefore this second question still is immanent, but somehow less for me. I guess that helped me being more relaxed in the whole process.
And this leads me back to the quote. My partner has indeed over time discovered a degree of sexual attraction to me as a result of love. From him not wanting any physical contact apart from holding hands, him being attracted to my mind, my voice, my personality (how wonderful and yet so frustrating when you long for being desired for your body as well) he now longs for my company, touch, kiss, caress.
Before meeting me he had finished with the subject of being in a relationship and also experiencing physicality. Now he is beginning to rediscover himself with me. He is more open to the possibility of change based on the changes he has already gone through.
For a long time the main question concerning the prospects of our relationship seemed to be: will we ever be able to have sex? The answer to that seemed to determine, wheter our relationhip would have a future or not. Although I know intellectually, that there is way more to a relationship than sex, all the good things were constantly called into question by this. For me because I could not determine whether I could do without sex. For him, because he wanted to make sure that he could give me everything I need to be physically satisfied.
We lately discovered that he really enjoys arousing me. This led to him stimulating me, what excites him too. This is kind of a „compromise level“ we have reached, by which we have gained peace of mind. We haven´t found an answer to all of our questions. There has been development, but the final outcome is still open. But we know, that we are evolving together. And this togetherness is the most important thing.
As Dutchman suggested we have approached things differently than expected from mainstream and even than most of you guys in this forum (I´m lucky having known about the SSA of my partner before I entered into this relationship).
We have discovered the ups and downs of being in a relationship (as I mentioned, this is the first for both of us).
In a way Covid and the absence of physical contact at the beginning of our getting to know each other.have been a blessing because we talked very much. From falling in love we evolved into loving each other.
We have gained a profound knowledge of who the other is and why we want to share our lives with each other. The question sex or no sex is still on the table but has lost meaning.
From reading some of your posts, I know, that a lot of you decided to open up their marriages as an answer to this very question. We know that we are striving for a monogamous relationship no matter what. I have been reminded that love should come unconditionally and this includes every aspect of his personality or sexuality. This can only work, because he is striving fort he same ideal. I am humbled by the way he handles the more challenging aspects of being with me ;)
We are both comitted to this and to continuing our journey together. It is a blessing for both of us and maybe one day our story can be a blessing to others, too.
- Dutchman
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
Hi Roka,
so nice reading your update and how you two are moving forward. Thank you!
Indeed, it's wonderful how a "sexual orientation mismatch" can also turn into a blessing, for it can cause a relation to develop more and deeper in other aspects. Especially when there is a lot of openness, acceptance, communication and love. This is fertile soil to make a relation grow and blossom.
- HurtingH14
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Re: Just found out my Fiancé is Gay. Can we make this work?
Don't do it.
Just don't.
I found out shortly before engagement (after 5 years of dating) that my husband "struggles with homosexual attraction." When I asked if he was more straight or more gay, his answer was that he loves me and wants to be with me. I should have read between the lines.
I've been unfulfilled and devastated by his lack of sexual interest since our wedding night. We're 10 years in with kid number 5 on the way. I'm here because even after all these years it still hurts to see his facebook reels full of big muscley men. I'd give anything to be married to a straight man. Someone who was interested in ME. Someone who wanted to look at ME.
Save yourself the heartache, OP. Walk away while you still can.