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July 19, 2021 10:55 am  #1761


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

My apologies Treelovingvegan ("Tree" for short) for this late reply as I didn't see your question. In reply: 

1. I have a question I’m very confused by. I’ve read multiple posts here of how GID spouses keep from having sex with their straight spouse and that is a form of emotional neglect.

For any new members "GID" means "gay in denial" and "GIDH" means "gay in denial husband." You might have read the "emotional neglect" statement in this thread because that's my personal opinion. I'll restate my opinion again: I believe that when a wife still wants to have sex with her husband and yet that GID or questioning husband refuses to have sex with his wife, that is a form of abuse. And that abuse is compounded when the same wife finds out her husband has been having gay sex via screens or through hook ups with men. 

2. Well I’m the straight spouse and having trouble connecting and having sex freely with my husband who I’m trying to understand. Would that be the same thing? Am I not committing emotional neglect?

It's certainly possible, but I do want to distinguish between a straight spouse's circumstances and that of her GID or questioning husband. Based on my time here, a straight wife's desire to have sex with her husband follows this pattern: 

Stage 1: She still wishes to have sex with her husband, even though he's never really been interested. 
Stage 2: She suspects him of cheating (with men) or has caught him (yet again) on gay porn. And yet still wants to have sex to prove he still "loves" her and that their marriage has a chance.
Stage 3: He admits to some form of infidelity (again with men) and is now on a short-term mission, called a "honeymoon phase", to prove he's heterosexual. She's pleased but also disoriented. She's also secretly worried about STIs and whether he is truly gay.  
Stage 4: The husband grudgingly admits he's "sorta bisexual" or perhaps even "gay." The couple then stops having sex altogether. He stops because he's never been interested in heterosexual sex and she now finds herself repulsed by her questioning, dishonest, and cheating husband.

Tree would it be fair to say you're now in stage 4 (see above)? Based on our previous exchange of messages, I reckon you want to be in love with your husband but, at the same time, you do not define "love" as dishonesty and infidelity. If this is correct, I reckon you no longer want to have sex because you are no longer physically nor emotionally attracted to your husband. Moreover, if you do have sex, you risk catching an STI/STD because many cheating spouses have unprotected sex. Please let me know if you agree. Be well!   

Last edited by Sean (July 21, 2021 4:19 pm)

 

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