In my opinion, a man who has sex with another man is gay.

Thank you for posting MJM. In other news, I will be interviewed for the SSN podcast next week. Please post or message me questions you would like a gay ex-husband to answer. It can be about anything at all. 

Thanks for the update Dixie. In reply: 

Checking in.  I’m the one with the gay closeted boyfriend (who hasn’t wanted sex pretty much anytime the last 17 years).   Never.  The few times early on that we did have sex it was very mechanical and I initiated.  Here’s my dilemma…

1. he is definitely gay and I have heard other people know it.  Like service people gossiping at the country club he is a long time member of, and other members talking among themselves.  Like close friends of his who have said things to him that I wasn’t supposed to hear or understand.  How many people have known this?  That really pisses me off to think the people we are “friends” with and business acquaintances have known this for years and likely either look at me like I am a freak, or laugh or feel sorry for me.  That hurts.  Badly.  

I'm sorry he and others have hurt you. Question: now that you've acknowledged that he is gay, what are your plans? While I think it's normal and healthy to be angry with those around you who apparently knew his secret, you can't change them. So what are you going to do now? 

2. he is gay with LOTS of people.  Business people, waiters, janitors, and I suspect people at the halfway house across from his office.  Younger men too.  Gross.

Ok. 

3. I’ve been celibate for FIFTEEN damned years thinking I was not attractive enough or successful enough.  

I have often posted that sexual neglect is abuse. Period. I'm so sorry he deprived you of intimacy. 

4.  I’m pissed and he knows it.  He also has an extremely bad temper and tends to try to “get back” at people who cross him.  Like reporting people to the IRS kind of stuff.  He is very influential and wealthy in our community.  We have not talked about this because he is extremely private.  And he blows up and the smallest thing.

Anger can often be a weapon in abusive/toxic relationships. It sounds like he's letting you know that his sexuality is, and forever will be, off limits. 

5. I love his family and have been there for his children growing up.  His daughter is getting married in December.  His mother is 96 years old and very close to him.  His sisters too.  His son is very close to me too.  It’s like there is a gigantic elephant in the room and only I see it.  Everyone is very very formal with each other.  

I reckon we define "love" differently my friend. While there may be a form of affection, your boyfriend has likely groomed/manipulated his family to maintain his cover. And unfortunately this means that they are not your friends nor allies. I'd recommend discussing all of this with a qualified mental health professional. You will likely have to detach from them (with love) to truly find freedom and start healing from this toxic man and abusive relationship. This means cutting off all contact with his "enablers" which includes everyone keeping his secret. As I shared in a previous exchange, you're not going to survive and thrive if you continue to surround yourself with people who deny his homosexuality.  

6. How the Hell can I get out of this without getting hurt (maybe physically-he has very rich and scary friends, talking mafia types).  How can I ease out without hurting his family?  

If you ever needed confirmation that you are a codependent, look no further than this statement: "How can I ease out without hurting his family?" Put bluntly, f*ck him, his closet, and his family of enablers. Start thinking about yourself my friend. You are the only person you can change. As for your security, I wouldn't recommend staying in a relationship because you fear physical harm. I'd suggest discussing all of this with your friends and family who are not in contact with this toxic man. You need allies who are not within his reach and who can't be manipulated.  

7. Sean, you said before that I am in a burning building and I should focus on getting the Hell out.  Any words of advice? I’m honestly stuck but I can’t live my life in this hole anymore?

I'd suggest working with a mental health professional to understand what is really going on here. While I would ultimately defer to a qualified counsellor's opinion, here is how I see the situation: 

- Accept he is gay and that you deserve more than an abusive, loveless, and toxic relationship.  
- Acknowledge that this man is a black-belt manipulator and abuser.
- By choosing to remain in this toxic relationship, you are indirectly consenting to his continued neglect/abuse. 
- His family does not love you because no one who loves you would continue denying reality (he's gay) while asking that you remain in an abusive relationship.
- I reckon his family loves the role that you play as his beard/cover because it maintains the lie that he's straight..and likely takes a lot of pressure off of all of them. 
- Please contact a qualified counsellor who understands trauma and co-dependency.
- I believe you need to leave this man immediately and work like hell to rebuild your self-esteem. 

I hope that helps my friend. Please post again if I haven't answered your questions or if you disagree with anything I've written. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (June 17, 2021 1:52 am)

My apologies Treelovingvegan ("Tree" for short) for this late reply as I didn't see your question. In reply: 

1. I have a question I’m very confused by. I’ve read multiple posts here of how GID spouses keep from having sex with their straight spouse and that is a form of emotional neglect.

For any new members "GID" means "gay in denial" and "GIDH" means "gay in denial husband." You might have read the "emotional neglect" statement in this thread because that's my personal opinion. I'll restate my opinion again: I believe that when a wife still wants to have sex with her husband and yet that GID or questioning husband refuses to have sex with his wife, that is a form of abuse. And that abuse is compounded when the same wife finds out her husband has been having gay sex via screens or through hook ups with men. 

2. Well I’m the straight spouse and having trouble connecting and having sex freely with my husband who I’m trying to understand. Would that be the same thing? Am I not committing emotional neglect?

It's certainly possible, but I do want to distinguish between a straight spouse's circumstances and that of her GID or questioning husband. Based on my time here, a straight wife's desire to have sex with her husband follows this pattern: 

Stage 1: She still wishes to have sex with her husband, even though he's never really been interested. 
Stage 2: She suspects him of cheating (with men) or has caught him (yet again) on gay porn. And yet still wants to have sex to prove he still "loves" her and that their marriage has a chance.
Stage 3: He admits to some form of infidelity (again with men) and is now on a short-term mission, called a "honeymoon phase", to prove he's heterosexual. She's pleased but also disoriented. She's also secretly worried about STIs and whether he is truly gay.  
Stage 4: The husband grudgingly admits he's "sorta bisexual" or perhaps even "gay." The couple then stops having sex altogether. He stops because he's never been interested in heterosexual sex and she now finds herself repulsed by her questioning, dishonest, and cheating husband.

Tree would it be fair to say you're now in stage 4 (see above)? Based on our previous exchange of messages, I reckon you want to be in love with your husband but, at the same time, you do not define "love" as dishonesty and infidelity. If this is correct, I reckon you no longer want to have sex because you are no longer physically nor emotionally attracted to your husband. Moreover, if you do have sex, you risk catching an STI/STD because many cheating spouses have unprotected sex. Please let me know if you agree. Be well!   

Last edited by Sean (July 21, 2021 4:19 pm)

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Last edited by MJM017 (October 2, 2021 5:45 pm)