Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

DONATE TODAY >>>





Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



March 31, 2021 4:43 pm  #1691


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Sean.
No offense here. I really appreciate you for sharing your personal experiences and helping me to understand things from my ex's world view. It's helpful to me at my stage in this process. I'm finally starting to remove the negative emotion and "reframe" the past. These are just some of my crazy thoughts about how did he get away with the lie for so long with everyone else in his life, especially male co-workers.
I guess I'm still sorting things out.
As far as my gaydar goes, it's mind blowing to watch a closeted gay man believe that he's fooling anyone. Of course, I would never bring it up, but honey please.....
I totally agree with your clarification on the generational differences. The Millenials and Zoomers are much more tuned-in to their sexuality. They keep coming up with more terms and categories.
My ex is in his 60's and from the south. I'm realizing that his lifelong denial may have been purely survival.
Thanks again.

Last edited by 2naive (March 31, 2021 4:57 pm)

 

April 1, 2021 12:57 am  #1692


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, our sex life was basically non-existing in the past 5 years. The reason was not really him - I did not want to have sex because it was very painful. Previous to this we had an active sex life, but I never found it very satisfying. I was still a virgin when we started dating and I did not have anything to compare it with. It was only when he started sleeping with men 12 months prior to his confession that he did not even try to fake any intimacy - he told me he had no sex drive. It also was at this stage that I started questioning his sexual orientation and I asked him if he was gay twice - he denied it. I then thought that it could be his medication that caused his lack of a sex drive. He always abused me emotionally and said things to me like "you stupid fucking bitch", "you fat fucking bitch" (I am not over-wheight)and I actually said to him that he treats our gardener with more respect than me. The emotional abuse got even worse when he started sleeping with men. He is a prize prick - problem was and is that I still love him. My story is a long and bitter one but the last thing that I ever thought was that I will divorce at the age of 60. He now has a 40 year old boyfriend and he does not even have the decency to treat me fairly financially. I just wish there was a button that you can turn to switch off your love...

 

April 2, 2021 6:22 am  #1693


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for writing friends. In reply: 

2naive: 

1. I really appreciate you for sharing your personal experiences and helping me to understand things from my ex's world view. It's helpful to me at my stage in this process. I'm finally starting to remove the negative emotion and "reframe" the past.

Well done. Don't hesitate to post again if you want more insight into the gay husband's mind. 

2. These are just some of my crazy thoughts about how did he get away with the lie for so long with everyone else in his life, especially male co-workers. I guess I'm still sorting things out.

I reckon it takes a few PTSD years to recover from an abusive gay/straight relationship. 

3. As far as my gaydar goes, it's mind blowing to watch a closeted gay man believe that he's fooling anyone. Of course, I would never bring it up, but honey please.....

I'm sure lots of people felt the same way about me not so long ago. 

4. I totally agree with your clarification on the generational differences. The Millenials and Zoomers are much more tuned-in to their sexuality. They keep coming up with more terms and categories.

True. 

5. My ex is in his 60's and from the south. I'm realizing that his lifelong denial may have been purely survival.

For me personally, I grew up in a place and time without positive gay role models. (That is unless you consider a b*tchy, deeply closeted Paul Lynde camping it up on the old "Hollywood Squares" a role model.) Now almost every mainstream television show has positive queer characters. Many women have asked me, "Didn't you know?" and my answer is always, "I did. But I just couldn't be gay at the time. Or perhaps I just didn't know how." I married because I didn't want to be gay. I just couldn't be gay. It was dirty, evil, and socially unacceptable. I did it to survive and will forever regret hurting my ex-wife and kids.    

oliviap: 

6. ...our sex life was basically non-existing in the past 5 years. The reason was not really him - I did not want to have sex because it was very painful. Previous to this we had an active sex life, but I never found it very satisfying.

It's very common for: straight spouses to think they are somehow to blame for a lack of intimacy (false); and for sex to be rather "meh" from the beginning.  

7. I was still a virgin when we started dating and I did not have anything to compare it with. It was only when he started sleeping with men 12 months prior to his confession that he did not even try to fake any intimacy - he told me he had no sex drive.

This mirrors my experience. As a gay man, I found every excuse possible to avoid sex with my (then) wife. And once I'd had sex with a man, I could no longer have sex with my wife. 

8. It also was at this stage that I started questioning his sexual orientation and I asked him if he was gay twice - he denied it. I then thought that it could be his medication that caused his lack of a sex drive.

Very few straight spouses actually hear "I'm gay" from closeted husbands. 

9. He always abused me emotionally and said things to me like "you stupid fucking bitch", "you fat fucking bitch" (I am not over-weight)and I actually said to him that he treats our gardener with more respect than me. The emotional abuse got even worse when he started sleeping with men.

What a monster. You deserve better. 

10. He is a prize prick - problem was and is that I still love him.

I'm so sorry. 

11. My story is a long and bitter one but the last thing that I ever thought was that I will divorce at the age of 60. He now has a 40 year old boyfriend and he does not even have the decency to treat me fairly financially. I just wish there was a button that you can turn to switch off your love...

What a terrible man. Please share as much as you like, perhaps here or on your own thread. Most straight spouses who post here regularly heal thanks to the support of kind members who understand your pain. Good luck my friend. 

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them here. 

 

April 2, 2021 1:26 pm  #1694


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean,

Thank you for taking the time to provide your support and perspective to this group.
I am new to this forum...I have many questions as I am sifting through the confusion around my marriage and my husband's sexual orientation. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7 years. We met around age 20 through mutual friends. In hindsight, our relationship had a slow start in the physical/sexual areas, but we enjoyed each other's friendship and wasn't a deal breaker at the time. I remember around 2-3 years into our relationship, I felt like we weren't having sex frequently and definitely felt a lack of intimacy. I confronted him about it at the time and he told me it was because he watches porn. I was confused and hurt by this, but we must have resolved things (or so I thought) as our relationship continued. About a year after that, I began having thoughts that be may be gay. I'm not sure entirely why I thought this at the time, but it was just little comments that he would make. I did ask him at the time, and he denied it. Again, things must have smoothed over because we continued on the "traditional" path.....married....house...child. I had a lingering feeling that something was off but didn't really reconsider the homosexuality possibility until about a year ago.
Within the past year he has made numerous comments and innuendos about men. He also tends to bring the topic of gays up in conversation when it seems out of place. About a year ago, he brought up a suggestion about an open marriage (not something I have suggested) and also said he would have a threesome with me and another guy (also not something that I have suggested). However, when I bring up this conversation we had he has brought up a number of excuses... told me it didn't happen, I remember it wrong, he was under the influence of medication (he wasn't).
So last August 2020 things seemed to be going pretty smoothly in our relationship, until I came across text messages between him and a former male coworker, who I am aware of but haven't met. The messages were flirty, intimate, sexual. In my mind, definitely crossing the line over friendship and also between him and another man. When I read these messages, I was shocked but also felt a weird sense of relief that I may have an answer to years of confusing behaviour. I waited a few days to talk to him about it and approached him by saying that I came across the messages that surprised me and asked if there was something more he wanted to explore. He became very defensive and said that he was offended that I could think that about him. He focused on the fact that I looked at his phone. And just flat out told me again, that he is not gay. He then deleted all the the texts.
A few weeks after that, I had a bit of a freak out on him asking him why he doesn't show me any affection then and that I wanted to talk with him about separation. In short, without getting into the really private details, this lead into an emotionally heightened day that he disclosed to me a lifelong secret about a childhood abuse incident.
Our relationship shifted to giving him the space to seek counselling and work on healing. However, he didn't really do that....and then he continued to make more homosexual comments...but whenever I approach the topic, he says that he is joking and that I am reading too into it, etc.
So our relationship hasn't really progressed much since the summer, we are living pretty separate lives in the same household as we care for our 3 year old. I have repeatedly brought up the topic, but he continues to deny and defend. Then last week, he told me he would tell me something in writing but not face-to-face. I was fine with that, so we corresponded by email (sounds weird but worked for him). In that email, he tries to tell him that the "real reason" for our lack of intimacy and his disinterest in sex with me at times is because he watches porn. I really don't feel this is the reason and I told him that.
Sorry for the long winded history above. I guess my main questions are around denial and disclosure. I'm sure I will have more questions along the way.

In your experience, is this type of denial common and how can it be approached? My patience and compassion and giving him space to figure this out within our marriage is running thin. If he would be open with me in any way, I feel we could be amicable and supportive.

Also, this may sound odd but I have this feeling that he would respond well to someone telling him that he may be gay. We went through couples counselling, which turned out to be a disaster. She asked him - "Are you gay?" - No.  "Are you bisexual?"-No. "Are you heterosexual?"-Yes. Then he left in the middle of the session overwhelmed and crying. Do you have any experience with men that disclose their sexuality when its presented in a different way?

Hope this makes sense. Please comment on any of the above and thanks in advance.

 

April 2, 2021 4:55 pm  #1695


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Welcome to the forum PrairieGirl, although I'm sorry things aren't working out with your husband. Before getting started, I'd urge you to review this excellent list for straight spouses:

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=28678#p28678 

Now in response to your post/questions: 

1. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7 years. We met around age 20 through mutual friends. In hindsight, our relationship had a slow start in the physical/sexual areas, but we enjoyed each other's friendship and wasn't a deal breaker at the time. I remember around 2-3 years into our relationship, I felt like we weren't having sex frequently and definitely felt a lack of intimacy. I confronted him about it at the time and he told me it was because he watches porn.

These are common red flags: more friends than lovers; a lack of intimacy; and (gay) porn.  

2. I was confused and hurt by this, but we must have resolved things (or so I thought) as our relationship continued. About a year after that, I began having thoughts that be may be gay.

Again this is quite common with gay/straight marriages. As I shared in a recent post, none of the women in my life were terribly surprised when I came out. So I'd trust your intuition. 

3. I'm not sure entirely why I thought this at the time...

Well it sounds like "gay" was your first instinct. 

4. ...but it was just little comments that he would make. I did ask him at the time, and he denied it. Again, things must have smoothed over because we continued on the "traditional" path.....married....house...child. I had a lingering feeling that something was off but didn't really reconsider the homosexuality possibility until about a year ago.

Understood.  

5. Within the past year he has made numerous comments and innuendos about men. He also tends to bring the topic of gays up in conversation when it seems out of place. About a year ago, he brought up a suggestion about an open marriage (not something I have suggested) and also said he would have a threesome with me and another guy (also not something that I have suggested). However, when I bring up this conversation we had he has brought up a number of excuses... told me it didn't happen, I remember it wrong, he was under the influence of medication (he wasn't).

Again, this follows a common pattern. By suggesting a threesome (and it's always with another man with closeted husbands), your husband was likely testing your reaction. When you reacted negatively, he denied he'd ever suggested it. I'd look up the term gaslighting.   

6. So last August 2020 things seemed to be going pretty smoothly in our relationship, until I came across text messages between him and a former male coworker, who I am aware of but haven't met. The messages were flirty, intimate, sexual. In my mind, definitely crossing the line over friendship and also between him and another man. When I read these messages, I was shocked but also felt a weird sense of relief that I may have an answer to years of confusing behaviour.

I can imagine. So to recap, your husband: has little interest in sex with you (his wife); watches porn (likely gay porn); seems obsessed with men/gay culture; and now has had a relationship with a former male co-worker. Is this accurate? 

7. I waited a few days to talk to him about it and approached him by saying that I came across the messages that surprised me and asked if there was something more he wanted to explore. He became very defensive and said that he was offended that I could think that about him. He focused on the fact that I looked at his phone. And just flat out told me again, that he is not gay. He then deleted all the texts.

We he's certainly checking all the boxes. By focusing on the snooping, a cheating husband distracts from the real crime - his cheating - while also putting his wife on the defensive. While I'm going to sound like a broken record, I'd suggest you start reading up on, or watching videos about, narcissism. Why? Because your husband is using a lot of the tactics narcissists and abusers use to keep their partners in line.    

8. A few weeks after that, I had a bit of a freak out on him asking him why he doesn't show me any affection then and that I wanted to talk with him about separation. In short, without getting into the really private details, this lead into an emotionally heightened day that he disclosed to me a lifelong secret about a childhood abuse incident.

Wow...these guys are all reading from the same script. If you read my previous posts, it's quite common for closeted husbands to claim sexual abuse is the cause of their homosexuality. And most of them make such claims when their wives ask to separate/divorce. While many disagree with me, I reckon it's the closeted husband's "Hail Mary" attempt to change the narrative. Claiming childhood abuse does several things: first, it abruptly ends all discussion of separation/divorce because most straight spouses are caring empaths who overwhelmingly feel the need to heal their husbands. Second, it effectively ends all discussion of cheating/homosexuality because it's now just "too painful for him to discuss." And finally, it indirectly absolves him of any wrongdoing because, in his mind, all of his "acting" out is due to this trauma. As you can read in my previous posts, I typically call "bullsh*t" when closeted husbands allege abuse. My logic is simple: if he's capable of hiding his sexuality and has lied his whole life about porn/cheating, there is a very strong possibility he's lying now. 

9. Our relationship shifted to giving him the space to seek counselling and work on healing. However, he didn't really do that....and then he continued to make more homosexual comments...but whenever I approach the topic, he says that he is joking and that I am reading too into it, etc.

Again this is quite common. Most straight spouses throw themselves into healing their husbands and marriages whereas the husband appears to be disinterested or even hostile. I reckon what bothers most closeted husbands are straight wives challenging them on their bullsh*t. And by bullsh*t I mean, if you watch gay porn, have sex with men, and no longer have sex with women, you're as gay as a rainbow. 

10. So our relationship hasn't really progressed much since the summer, we are living pretty separate lives in the same household as we care for our 3 year old. I have repeatedly brought up the topic, but he continues to deny and defend. Then last week, he told me he would tell me something in writing but not face-to-face. I was fine with that, so we corresponded by email (sounds weird but worked for him). In that email, he tries to tell him that the "real reason" for our lack of intimacy and his disinterest in sex with me at times is because he watches porn. I really don't feel this is the reason and I told him that.

Question: what kind of porn is he watching? 

11. Sorry for the long winded history above. I guess my main questions are around denial and disclosure. I'm sure I will have more questions along the way. In your experience, is this type of denial common and how can it be approached?

If I'm reading your timeline correctly, you started thinking "my husband's gay" about a decade ago. You two then seem to have followed a pattern of "conflict, denial, reconciliation, repeat" for most of your relationship. If your husband is anything like me, he likely starting hiding his sexuality around age 5 or 6. So in response to your question, I recommend you do the following and these may seem a bit strange: 

- Remember that you and your child come first...the two of you are now your priorities
- Write a "help wanted" ad for the husband you need (ex. straight, honest, monogamous, sexually compatible etc.)
- Print this ad and read it daily...feel free to leave it where he can see it as well
- Determine how long you want to give your husband to get his sh*t together or get "fired" (a 3-month honeymoon is typical following conflict but normally 6-12 months will show you how your relationship will play out for the next 10-20 years).
- Start writing down everything your husband says so that he can no longer "gaslight you"
- Your husband will again insist on couples counselling. Don't agree. Couples counselling suggests there is something wrong with you, whereas he is the cause of your problems. 
- Go to individual counselling, create a thread here and post often, and share all of this with a trust friend or family member.  

12. My patience and compassion and giving him space to figure this out within our marriage is running thin.

Amen! 

13. If he would be open with me in any way, I feel we could be amicable and supportive.

Your husband is likely drowning emotionally and, unfortunately, you can't swim with him and a three-year-old on your shoulders. Most closeted husbands aren't bad people per se. We just can't be honest about our sexuality, particularly with our wives.   

14. Also, this may sound odd but I have this feeling that he would respond well to someone telling him that he may be gay. We went through couples counselling, which turned out to be a disaster.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. 

15. She asked him - "Are you gay?" - No.  "Are you bisexual?"-No. "Are you heterosexual?"-Yes. Then he left in the middle of the session overwhelmed and crying. Do you have any experience with men that disclose their sexuality when its presented in a different way?

I've never read about a straight man crying when challenged about his sexuality. Sadly, most straight spouses never hear "I'm gay" from their closeted husbands. Tragically, some straight wives spend decades trying to coax the truth out emotionally damaged husbands...to no avail. Based on what you've shared, I reckon the gay thing is secondary. Your husband appears to be emotionally damaged, appears to be borderline abusive, and hasn't made you happy in almost 10 years. Most importantly, he shows little sign of ever becoming the man you need. I'd suggest spending the coming weeks and months focusing on you, the baby, and your future. As others have posted here, the ball is now in his court. Let him save himself and your marriage...if he can.  

I hope that helps in some way my friend. Please post again if I haven't answered your questions. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (April 2, 2021 5:05 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 2, 2021 5:45 pm  #1696


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

"Sadly, most straight spouses never hear "''m gay' from their closeted husbands. Tragically, some straight wives spend decades trying to coax the truth out emotionally damaged husbands...to no avail."

This does seem to be overwhelmingly true. *Many* only discover the truth through snooping...or "digital discovery" as a fellow straight spouse put it. No one likes doing it...no one wants to have to do it...but sometimes it's necessary. 

If you decide to go that route again and have access to his phone/devices/app download history, you can do a global search for Kik, Grindr, Scruff, Jackd...Reddit is another big one. I'm sure there are many, many more...but those are the big ones. It may save you loads of time (and additional confusion). 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (April 2, 2021 5:47 pm)

 

April 5, 2021 2:55 pm  #1697


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you JS. In response to your post: 

1. This does seem to be overwhelmingly true [straight wives who never hear "I'm gay" from closeted husbands]. *Many* only discover the truth through snooping...or "digital discovery" as a fellow straight spouse put it. No one likes doing it...no one wants to have to do it...but sometimes it's necessary. 

Based on my exchanges here, going years without sex forces many straight wives to play detective. Understandably, the straight spouse wants to know if her husband is cheating, gay, or both. 

2. If you decide to go that route again [namely playing detective] and have access to his phone/devices/app download history, you can do a global search for Kik, Grindr, Scruff, Jackd...Reddit is another big one. I'm sure there are many, many more...but those are the big ones. It may save you loads of time (and additional confusion). 

Sadly, most straight spouses arrive here in such a state of shock that they continue to ask, "Is my husband really gay?" even in the face of overwhelming evidence. And by overwhelming evidence, I mean: the couple hasn't had sex in years, he's on gay porn, and clearly cheating with men. 

So what's my point? I'm starting to think 'the gay thing' is actually a huge distraction. Don't get me wrong, a husband's sexuality is very important - meaning that straight wives deserve husbands who desire them sexually. What I'm trying to express is this: his (homo)sexuality aside, most of the straight spouses here find themselves in sexless, abusive, and highly toxic relationships. The straight spouse already has multiple reasons to separate/divorce even before unpacking issues such as a husband's infidelity and apparent homosexuality. 

Based on my time here, most straight wives exhaust themselves trying to: coax husbands out of their closets; convert obviously gay husbands back to being bi or straight (often via therapy); and many attempt mixed orientation marriages (MOMs). Sadly, most straight spouses do all of the heavy lifting and totally sacrifice themselves to save pretty sh*tty relationships. And she does all of this in the face of a husband who becomes progressively more hostile and abusive. The final insult is when he demands an open marriage "because, you know, I have certain needs." No straight spouse is capable of treading water forever, particularly with an angry gay husband standing her shoulders. Rather reluctantly, she starts to consider separation/divorce. And what does the closeted husband do? He suddenly reveals a "sexual abuse made me gay" story in a last-ditch attempt to keep her trapped in the marriage. This works for a time but after a few months or years, she realizes he's still the same damaged, philandering, porn-addicted man who refuses to have sex with her. Sadly most gay/straight relationships follow this well-worn path.    

I guess I'm urging straight spouses to determine whether they have marriages worth saving, before falling down the rabbit hole of defining a husband's sexuality. She needs to determine if he was, or can ever be, the man she needs. I hope that makes sense my friends! Please feel free to post whether you agree or disagree with my opinions. Be well.      

Last edited by Sean (April 5, 2021 3:05 pm)

 

April 5, 2021 4:57 pm  #1698


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, Thanks for your continued contributions to the site. You’ve been so helpful.

My late ex-h was born in Key West, FL & lived there until his family moved to San Francisco when he was 10. (His family moved to Key West a few generations before. )  I am telling you these locations because they attract large numbers of gays.  Faking straight can happen anywhere.

Is traveling often to different cities considered a plus with courting other gays? And going out to fancy restaurants?  (Pre-COVID)  I was wondering because he was crazy about this like no one else I’ve ever seen.  I like to travel, but he was excessive and out of hand in his travel requests. It caused a lot of fights.

He was tall but out of shape & balding. He looked decent, but that’s it.  I gather he had to have something to offer to potential boyfriends in town. I assume he did anonymous quickies on the road when I wasn’t around.

Also, how big of a gay icon is/was Doris Day? He mentioned her as a movie star he had a crush on very often. I was perplexed because she was older than him and was not known as a sex symbol.  I googled her after my ex died and saw she was one. 

Thanks, again!


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 5, 2021 11:02 pm  #1699


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting MJM017 ("MJ"). In reply: 

1. My late ex-h was born in Key West, FL & lived there until his family moved to San Francisco when he was 10. (His family moved to Key West a few generations before. )  I am telling you these locations because they attract large numbers of gays.  Faking straight can happen anywhere.

I agree MJ! 

2. Is traveling often to different cities considered a plus with courting other gays?

Well it was for me. Frequent travel allowed a gay-in-denial-husband (GIDH) like me to safely explore my sexuality in a consequence-free environment. Most importantly, having sex with men during frequent business trips allowed me to completely avoid the shame that I would have felt if I'd had sex and then found myself at home having dinner with the wife and kids. However, the "business trip fling" spilled over into my home life as I eventually started cheating in my own backyard so to speak.  

3. And going out to fancy restaurants?  (Pre-COVID)  I was wondering because he was crazy about this like no one else I’ve ever seen.  I like to travel, but he was excessive and out of hand in his travel requests. It caused a lot of fights.

I can't really speak to why fancy restaurants are important...lots of gay waiters perhaps. Question: would he travel alone (solo), with a friend, or with you? I myself preferred to travel alone for obvious reasons. 

4. He was tall but out of shape & balding. He looked decent, but that’s it.  I gather he had to have something to offer to potential boyfriends in town. I assume he did anonymous quickies on the road when I wasn’t around.

There isn't a lot of "selection" going on in gay cruising spots such as parks, rest stops, sex shops, or gay saunas. 

5. Also, how big of a gay icon is/was Doris Day? He mentioned her as a movie star he had a crush on very often. I was perplexed because she was older than him and was not known as a sex symbol.  I googled her after my ex died and saw she was one. 

I'm no expert on gay history, but I believe Doris Day was more of a gay icon for men who came of age in the 50s and early 60s. If I remember correctly, for years people said that she was a closeted lesbian. She is beloved by gay men of a certain age because she defended her long-time friend Rock Hudson during the worst of the AIDS epidemic. 

I hope that I've answered your questions my friend. If not, please feel free to post again. Be well!

 

April 9, 2021 3:45 am  #1700


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Good day friends. I thought about this the other day. Most straight wives who post here find themselves in broken, toxic, and often abusive marriages...before the gay thing (TGT) blows up. Sadly, once the TGT is out in the open, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) then do everything they can to distract from the main issue: gay/straight marriages simply don't work. (Not bi/straight marriages mind you before the bi/MOM brigade jumps down my throat again.)

Let's use a housing metaphor. Imagine your house's foundation is cracked and, as such, your house is at risk of imminent collapse. So what do you do? You talk to your husband of course. "Honey, our foundation is cracked." Imagine if he reacted like this:

1. It's not cracked. (gaslight/denial)
2. It's only a little crack. (minimization)
3. It's only cracked because you do so much laundry in the basement. (blame shift)
4. Wait the roof is on fire. (distract)
5. Let's build a swimming pool! (denial/distract) 

Sadly, the wife then gets distracted by the roof fire and swimming pool...without really discussing the main issue: a cracked foundation. Let's now translate this into a straight spouse confronting her husband about cheating, gay porn, or a lack of sex. This is how most GIDHs react:  

1. I'm NOT gay. (gaslight/denial)
2. I was just curious (gay porn). It was just a blowjob (sex). It only happened once (sex). (minimization)
3. We don't have sex because you [insert lame excuse here like "you gained weight"]. (blame shift)
4. I'm the victim of sexual abuse. (distract)
5. Let's have an open marriage...so I can f*ck men while still married to you. (denial/distract) 

So what's my point? Don't get distracted. I urge straight spouses to focus on the two most important things first: you (the straight spouse) and your children (if any). Sadly, throwing yourself into fixing a beyond broken husband does little to improve your life and often distracts from the main issue: is this damaged man capable of making you happy.

What follows is a kind of "hits" list of things gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) say and how I suggest you respond. 

1. Husband: I am NOT gay!
Straight Spouse: Ok. How would you define the sexuality of a man who watches gay porn, has sex with men, and no longer has sex with women? 

2. Husband: I'm bisexual.  
Straight Spouse: I understand. So bisexual means an attraction to both women and men, correct? So when was the last time you had sex with a woman (either with me or during an affair with another woman)? 

3. Husband: I was abused!  
Straight spouse: I'm so sorry you suffered. Is the abuse why you're watching gay porn, have an anal fetish, and cheat on me with men? 

4. Husband: We need couples' counselling! 
Straight spouse: I agree. But I think you should first spend 3-6 months working through your abuse and sexual orientation issues alone. Once you've resolved your personal issues, which I think you'd agree have nothing to do with me, perhaps we can then start working on our relationship. Here is a list of qualified therapists specialized in these areas so you can book an appointment. I'll look for a couples counsellor who we can see together after you've worked through your issues. 

5. Husband: It [cheating with a man] happened once and it didn't mean anything!
Straight spouse: I believe you but I need to understand what exactly happened. Please walk me through the timeline before you met up with this guy. Let's start from the beginning... [Note: by having him walk you through the timeline of how he hooked up with this guy, you'll understand that it was far from "spontaneous." Let's take the gay hook up app Grindr for example: he had to register; create a profile; take racy photos; select photos; upload photos to the app; turn on the app; exchange messages with dozens of guys; have a long conversation with said guy; exchange photos; more texts; set a date/time; buy condoms/lube; re-confirm hook up appointment; shower/douche; bring condoms/lube; go to hook up appointment; have sex; and then shower again.]      

6. Husband: I want to try a threesome! 
Straight spouse: What a great idea! I've always wanted another woman to join us in the bedroom and you're bisexual so that's your fantasy as well. Let me think of some potential female partners. (Please record his reaction when you suggest a woman.)  

Please feel free to share bizarre things your questioning husbands have said and I'll happily post some suggested replies. Be well!

Last edited by Sean (April 9, 2021 6:01 am)

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum