General Discussion » Do we gaslight ourselves? » January 20, 2021 3:35 pm |
Rob wrote:
Julian,
The last one..she was willing blowup/destroy the marriage, family and finances for her girlfriend. I've had years to process it and can only conclude she has a "broken moral core".
I long ago gave up trying to rationalize her decisions..they made no sense then and years later are still just as wrong.
Rob—I can't imagine ever treating my spouse the way your wife treated you...I simply can't comprehend how anyone can be so cruel to another human being...yet alone the father of their children.
General Discussion » Do we gaslight ourselves? » January 20, 2021 1:08 pm |
I'm not talking about polyamorous couples who desire a non-traditional marriage...or people who have a bizarre cuckolding fetish or whatever...I'm talking about all of the zations...the minimization...rationalization...compartmentalization.
There have been several threads on this topic of "just sex"...and I thought OOHC put it best: It's not just sex..It's sexual orientation. It's a fundamental part of our being that most of us (straight folks) don't ever even think about because we don't have to.
Edited to add:
If it were simply about sexual release....well, you don't need another individual for that. Our partners (in most cases) don't reveal their true orientation to us until they've already cheated...or they're wanting non-monogamy (with less guilt/sneaking around)...or when suppressing their sexuality has simply become unbearable for them...and they are willing to risk the financial & other securities of marriage. It's rarely out of guilt for being dishonest to us.
This is something I think about often because while I'm fairly confident that my husband (the bisexual) is capable of being monogamous 'til death do us part... I do wonder: Can anyone ever truly be happy when their attractions are pulling them in two completely opposite directions? And how will that unhappiness—that struggle, which I empathasize with—manifest itself throughout our relationship?
General Discussion » Do we gaslight ourselves? » January 20, 2021 10:29 am |
"It's just sex...he doesn't want a relationship with another man."
"It was just blowjobs."
"It's just one specific man..or type of man he's attracted to."
"Men are simple creatures who can separate love from sex."
"It's just a few times a year."
"It's just webcams & texts."
"Maybe it's more common than we think."
It's just sex...but he/she was willing to blow up an entire relationship/family for it.
General Discussion » Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse » January 19, 2021 11:16 am |
ThisTooShallPass wrote:
Backpackerdad wrote:
I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve
This! People talk about all the "red flags" but I didn't have them in the same sense as many on here. I actually thought I had a "great" marriage. Now though, I see where there were actually a lot of little things that did bother me, but I minimized, rationalized and made excuses.
I felt defective in a way because I didn't see any red flags...at least not until a few weeks before my husband told me he is bisexual...when his behavior was off. Even then, I never saw the bi bomb coming. At the time, I remember thinking it would have been easier to find out he had an affair with another woman. I really struggle with the fact that he kept this from me all of these years.
General Discussion » Another time around- or time to get off the ride? » January 17, 2021 12:46 pm |
“Why define him by this one factor? He’s a great man- a great husband, and great dad! We can work together, forgive, move on, and be stronger than ever. With God, we can pray and read our bibles and not let the devil ruin our marriage. Isn’t it worth fighting for?”
Great husbands don't spend their time watching gay porn & getting off with strangers on the Internet. Neither the devil (nor any other mythical creature) propelled him do that. It was a conscious decision he made on his own (over and over again).
In the future, he'll just be better at hiding it. I stumbled onto some subreddit once where men were giving each other tips on how to hide apps (and other down-low activities) from their wives...disturbing on so many levels.
Support » It's NOT the same when the spouse is trans » January 15, 2021 4:47 pm |
I know...It is unimaginable to me—the impact this must have on families. TGT and TTT are both painful and confusing, but "the trans thing" is a different ballgame...and I'm always blown away by the resilience and strength of so many here. I hope there are other support groups for families going through this. With children, I think it's more important than ever for them to have that one strong, consistent force in their lives.
My heart goes out to you...I literally can't imagine how hard this is.
Support » Completely Blindsided » January 12, 2021 7:20 pm |
I can only imagine how much pain you are in. Please know there is nothing you could do (or could have done) to prevent this. In so many cases, the spouse doesn't come out until he/she falls for someone else or wants permission to "explore" outside of the marriage. It's cowardly and selfish of them to take so many years of someone's life. More important than anything right now is for you to focus on you....With therapy and time, you will get through this...and find someone who loves and desires you completely.
Take care—and post here any time you need a sounding board.
Strategies for MOM's » What to do??? » January 10, 2021 11:31 pm |
God, what a truly awful situation to be in. I'm so sorry. Like you, I would also want to know if my husband was messaging random men (or women) for sex....And, while I'd be absolutely devastated to get this news, I would be grateful to not spend another day with a deceptive man who was selfishly putting my physical and emotional well-being at risk.. Do you have proof you can show her? I think telling her is going to require a very delicate approach...but, you also have to look out for yourself, too. Does your husband know you know about this other guy?
Support » question about "love"- this may seem negative, btw. » January 10, 2021 9:55 pm |
I'm with you, Daryl. I don't believe in soulmates, but I do believe in true, ever-lasting love...Though, as cliche as this is, I think it requires two people who love themselves individually (and know they're worthy and deserving of great love).
Support » Feeling of Sexual Violation » January 8, 2021 11:26 pm |
ThisTooShallPass wrote:
IHe went into this marriage with the full knowledge that he was attracted to men.
He took away my autonomy and ability to make an informed decision.
This is what haunts me most of all.
When I found out he'd been "fantasizing" during sex with me, that was even worse. I felt absolutely disgusted and violated.
This is what terrifies me most of all. I once read a comment by a gay man in a hetero marriage who said he "closed his eyes and thought of England" when having sex with his wife. WTF.