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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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January 8, 2021 4:17 pm  #1


Feeling of Sexual Violation

I'm really struggling moving past the feeling of sexual violation. I feel as though my ex put on a costume to be with me and I slept with and had a child with someone that I would not have consented to doing these things with.

I've shared a few of these feelings with my therapist but honestly haven't even shared the darkest parts of it and already feel misunderstood. It seems that she and most others (who haven't been through it) think I'm bashing gay people. Like I think gay people are disgusting. Which is so far from the truth. I have gay and bisexual friends that are lovely and I am appreciative of having in my life as friends. I wouldn't sleep with them or any of my female friends because I'm not sexually attracted to them. Let alone for eight years and have a child together. Yet, I'm supposed to just accept that this man violated my agency, took away my ability to consent, and move on?

I have panic attacks over this. I don't know how to heal from this feeling of violation.

 

January 8, 2021 5:56 pm  #2


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

Ahisma wrote:

.

Ahisma...welcome have a read of the first aid kit. It's pinned to the top of the General Board. 

Your situation, having a small child, is different to mine. I'm older and all my lot have left home. There are straightspouses here with children still at home though. At 62 I tried to 'save' something I soon realised would never be the same. I'm still living with my partner but we're basically housemates now.

You're in the right place

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 8, 2021 6:14 pm  #3


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

Ahisma
You should definitely seek out a different therapist IMO. I think you should feel heard by them and also know that a lot of us feel shame, betrayal, and trauma related to sex. My LW told me all I thought about was sex and made  me feel like a sexual deviant because I desired her. I hold a lot of shame and fear around intimacy now and my therapist is working with me on unraveling it. It is early days as my LW only disclosed 4 months ago but having a good therapist and this community has made all the difference.
If you don’t listen to it already the SSN voices podcast had a great episode on 11/14/20 about consent and relationships. It has a focus on men’s issues but I think might be helpful .
Sending lots of healing energy your way
-backpackerdad

 

January 8, 2021 6:52 pm  #4


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

I second Backpackerdad's advice to change counselor.
In an attempt to talk to someone who dealt with the LGBTQ side of things I saw one....but I got a definite vibe from the counselor that I should let my partner be who he wanted to be and that any advice from him would be slanted toward that aim
I never went back

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 8, 2021 6:54 pm  #5


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

Hi Ahisma!. Welcome to the group. I feel your pain. I am still living with my LW 22 years married. I recently saw something that my LW texted to a friend. It stated that she felt violated ,the last few years when we had sex. I was shocked! Still trying to sort out my feelings. There is nothing easy about the mess we find ourselves in. Breath in and out and remember you did nothing wrong. Prayers sent your way.


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
 

January 8, 2021 7:44 pm  #6


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

Some here have recommended counselors with experience in the area of trauma.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 8, 2021 8:46 pm  #7


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

As Daryl mentioned I would also suggest working with a counselor skilled in dealing with trauma. I think no matter how good or bad a person’s situation is with their spouse, hearing your spouse is LGBTQ it’s traumatic. My situation wasn’t as scary as many, but I probably could have met most of the diagnostic criteria for PTDS for a few months. 

 

January 8, 2021 9:48 pm  #8


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

I ONE HUNDRED percent understand what you mean!!!! In fact, I feel like this is exactly why I have finally had a “shift” in my mind. And I am not sure I will ever be able to have him touch me again.

But my GIDH doesn’t get it. He says he wants to “prove” he loves me physically. And I literally cringe at the thought. The idea of him touching me again is... unthinkable right now.

The week before I confronted this last time (third time around this merry-go-round), I had sex with him. I felt absolutely filthy after. I had to go for a drive and have a smoke ( I haven’t smoked in YEARS!)

Isn’t it so sad that touches that should be sweet and loving have turned into stress inducing, cringe-worthy betrayals? I realize that sounds RIDICULOUS. And maybe a bit dramatic- but it’s true.

 

January 8, 2021 10:06 pm  #9


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

Hello Ahisma - I am so sorry. I understand your feeling of sexual violation. Consent requires being fully informed; not manipulated, deceived or coerced. When others gain access to us sexually by intentionally withholding information that they know would negate our consent (whether it is sex event #1 or #1000); we are being violated. It is hard to explain to others who often think sexual violation requires physical aggression or that a stranger be the violator. I like the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla and recommend podcasts that (he is goes on) that discuss relational betrayal trauma. I have had to seek "validation" for those feelings of violation outside of my personal network as it is very hard for them to a) understand how this feels and b) see the individual (who presents as a friendly, kind, gentle person) perpetrating this violation (interpersonal violence) in that way.  I am sorry you are here but know you are not alone.

 

January 8, 2021 11:18 pm  #10


Re: Feeling of Sexual Violation

I told my husband the same thing.  He went into this marriage with the full knowledge that he was attracted to men. He took away my autonomy and ability to make an informed decision. When I found out he'd been "fantasizing" during sex with me, that was even worse. I felt absolutely disgusted and violated.  

I love my four children more than anything, but I look back and he was the one that initiated each pregnancy, and I wonder - was it because he was trying to fill a void, was it because he was putting on a front of the happy heterosexual husband and father - not because he loved me and wanted to create life with me and build a family with ME.  Especially since when I look back, the first shift in our marriage happened after his vasectomy. It is very, very hard to deal with these feelings.

I agree with the people who say to seek a new therapist.  I didn't intentionally seek someone who dealt with trauma, but it turned out my therapist's specialties were trauma, PTSD and anxiety, so I think that's why he was easy for me to worth with.

 

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