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1 - MovingMan
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Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
It's been a few months since my LW disclosed and moved out. We both thought we had a pretty good marriage, but now, in hindsight, there is a lot that was weird at best, broken at worst.
Looking back, I feel like our interactions were more like siblings or close roommates than spouses. She often didn't like my touch (and I have trouble showing affection, I own that). But she didn't touch me with fondness or warmth. She treated me much like she treats her brother. Has anyone else felt this?
Last edited by MovingMan (January 16, 2021 9:21 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
MM...yip, know how you feel. My partner and I are still together, no sex, no touching.....flatmates.
It's a good thing we get on so well
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
Hi moving man - hopefully some of the men will see your post and respond too but yes, yes of course it's not the same as being with a straight, my ex didn't want affection except in front of others, but he would even put his arm round me in front of other people. I still get grossed out when the memory rises of how he would respond in private if I went to kiss him - he would stand there, head back and purse his lips - he called it making a cat's bum, and he was literally taunting me to kiss it.
Eventually you get to a point that you're beyond hurt and beyond bottom of the floor esteem - I remember I got to this point I just wanted, no I needed the security of knowing I won't ever have sex with him again and he was happy to agree. Flatmates indeed.
In some way I think it's even harder on the men than the women - maybe because you can go further before having to stop.
I must admit I am still grossed out. I thought I was pretty much over it and a lot of the time I am but omg - when I first got clarity it sort of just started happening, I guess I was unloading the grossed out feeling I had tucked away somewhere and the only way I could handle it initially was standing under the shower, then swimming in the river, walking by the sea, weeding in the garden, with my fingers in clay, sitting with my cat.
- Backpackerdad
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
I can definitely relate to this. My relationship with my LW didn’t start out like this but in the last 3-4 years definitely has become a sibling like relationships. We still hug and hold hands occasionally but it feels weird and I usually feel regret after. We still share the same bed but with a huge body pillow down the middle . It’s been that way for 3 years but I never thought to question it past rationalizing it as a part of her difficulty with a serious hip injury. I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve
- ThisTooShallPass
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
Backpackerdad wrote:
I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve
This! People talk about all the "red flags" but I didn't have them in the same sense as many on here. I actually thought I had a "great" marriage. Now though, I see where there were actually a lot of little things that did bother me, but I minimized, rationalized and made excuses. Any marriage could deal with those types of things after all. I also saw terrible husbands in some of our brother-in-laws, my own brother was never going to grow up...and he was such a 'good husband' by comparison. I could have it much worse. Now I can see how all those little things added up to a problem, and I just didn't recognize it. I'm not sure he fully recognized it for many years either.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve
This! People talk about all the "red flags" but I didn't have them in the same sense as many on here. I actually thought I had a "great" marriage. Now though, I see where there were actually a lot of little things that did bother me, but I minimized, rationalized and made excuses.
I felt defective in a way because I didn't see any red flags...at least not until a few weeks before my husband told me he is bisexual...when his behavior was off. Even then, I never saw the bi bomb coming. At the time, I remember thinking it would have been easier to find out he had an affair with another woman. I really struggle with the fact that he kept this from me all of these years.
- stevo
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
Oh Yes I can totally relate to this. Have known my LW for 30 years and married for 22. I always thought she wasn't very affectionate , never intitiated intimacy, holding hands ,cuddling,etc always me. But we got along so well! always laughed ,went to movies ,trips and always had a great time! I never ever questioned her sexuality, I thought that was just the way she was,,,,until July 12 2020 and the bomb was dropped. Looking back, I don't blame myself, I just took it for what I thought it was, and was content with that.Not so much anymore needless to say. We are still married and live together. I took my wedding ring off just before Xmas. We still get along well, enjoyed a campfire the other night and had a couple drinks. I will never get any better , I have to decide wether this is enough. Great friend I thought all these years and great wife . She may have been a good friend , but wasn't a good wife in retrospect. I even question the friend part at times.
You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
- SusanneH
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve
This! People talk about all the "red flags" but I didn't have them in the same sense as many on here. I actually thought I had a "great" marriage. Now though, I see where there were actually a lot of little things that did bother me, but I minimized, rationalized and made excuses.
I felt defective in a way because I didn't see any red flags...at least not until a few weeks before my husband told me he is bisexual...when his behavior was off. Even then, I never saw the bi bomb coming. At the time, I remember thinking it would have been easier to find out he had an affair with another woman. I really struggle with the fact that he kept this from me all of these years.
Until the day he accidentally showed me the nude photo of a man on his iPad (he was going to ask me how to do something on the iPad, and forgot it was on there- a CL ad. LOL...NOT), I had NO idea anything was off. I thought we had a great marriage. Our getting together was almost fairytale-like (my 1st husband had passed away & I wasn’t even going to date again...long story, short). He had pursued me (or so I thought). I learned recently he was pursuing me as a friend, since that’s all I wanted in the beginning as I wasn’t ready to date. I knew he had a hard time expressing himself and at 53 had never been married— bachelor life- partying- sex everywhere w/everyone. Heck, he was known as the guy after the women. Anyway, after he moved in with me, and several months went by, I was uncomfortable with it. (I had gotten married right out of high school, and was pretty conservative on being married). In the past he had mentioned his dislike for marriage,..I didn't think he was going to ask me & for me it was either getting married, or he would have to move out..So, in what is SO unlike me, I asked him to marry me..... He said yes, to my surprise, and here we are.
We had 14+ Years of what I thought was a good marriage. (Of course, I had no idea he was having sex with random men at the local porn video store and meeting up from dating sites...). We liked the same things, best friends, good sex, etc. We did things together as much as my health would allow. I and everyone else thought it was a dream marriage. I thought after my husband passed away I would spend the rest of my life alone since I’m ill. this was a miracle to me.
He ran *and still does* all the errands & shopping as I am ill & housebound. He’s always ready to help. His “love language” is Acts of Service”...nothing up close and personal here. Mine is touch and time together.
However, once this happened, I realized how little affection he had always given. We weren’t physically close *unless we were going to have sex*. He walks 3 feet in front of me (which I had noticed, but until I read about it, hadn’t thought anything except his inconsideration). We never held hands. Once, when we were dating and someone was taking our picture, she had to say “Act like you like each other” because we weren’t standing real close to each other. Just little things like that....nothing major, though, like I see from others.
So, even knowing he’s bisexual, I wouldn’t know it by even being married to him...unless I knew it..
Last edited by SusanneH (January 19, 2021 3:20 pm)
- ThisTooShallPass
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve
This! People talk about all the "red flags" but I didn't have them in the same sense as many on here. I actually thought I had a "great" marriage. Now though, I see where there were actually a lot of little things that did bother me, but I minimized, rationalized and made excuses.
I felt defective in a way because I didn't see any red flags...at least not until a few weeks before my husband told me he is bisexual...when his behavior was off. Even then, I never saw the bi bomb coming. At the time, I remember thinking it would have been easier to find out he had an affair with another woman. I really struggle with the fact that he kept this from me all of these years.
Yes, this is what happened to me. Things were always good between us....and then suddenly things just felt off. That's exactly how I've described it. No real red flags, no big clues or anything, just my gut feeling. I even remember telling myself I was paranoid, that he would never cheat, never do anything to hurt me. But I confronted him anyway. I was not expecting to hear that he is attracted to men or any of the other things that came out of his mouth. I felt so stupid, so foolish. How did I not know?? Later I found out that his twin brother admitted to being "taken aback" and said he never suspected it growing up. So if his own twin, his closest friend and confidant didn't see it, he clearly had mastered the art of self-preservation before I came into the picture. That was almost a relief to me. He told me that morning that he was trying to get into therapy to figure out how to tell me, but then I had to push him for weeks to actually start therapy, and now I often wonder, would he have even gone to therapy? Would he have ever told me the truth?
- lily
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Re: Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse
..However, once this happened, I realized how little affection he had always given. We weren’t physically close *unless we were going to have sex*. He walks 3 feet in front of me (which I had noticed, but until I read about it, hadn’t thought anything except his inconsideration). We never held hands. Once, when we were dating and someone was taking our picture, she had to say “Act like you like each other” because we weren’t standing real close to each other...
So, even knowing he’s bisexual, I wouldn’t know it by even being married to him...unless I knew it..
yes, it's this odd thing while you're in it you don't really see it. it's only in looking back you realise the lack of affection. The posing for photos because the real feeling isn't there. The change that occurs where they turn on you, a new boyfriend or whatever. or eventually if you stay long enough it just seeps to the surface - the gross out is real for them too, doubly so I guess. At least his body looked right to me even if I was confused emotionally at the mixed messages.
It just staggers me looking back that he could blame me so much when he knows he is the one causing the problem for both of us. all he had to do was say I don't fancy you, admit it when I asked. I remember saying I don't think you really like me a few times and he would turn it round saying how can you say that to me - oh boy now I am older I wouldn't fall for that at all!