OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
| Support » Baby steps » January 26, 2023 11:23 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 12
-
I'm sorry you understand. That's a great idea. Some of my favorite places have shared memories, but we had very different interests and she rarely tried anything new I was interested in, so I have a lot that's still mine. I was always sad about that before but maybe there's some good in that now. Still, finding new things sounds amazing.
Thanks.
firefly wrote:Hey there HereInMpls2717, I understand your pain. I, too, have cried so many tears. One thing that has helped me is to find one new routine/place/activity that my GH has never done or gone to with me (which was hard as we live in a small town and have a complicated and intertwined life). I have a place I go to when I need a break. This place has no memories of him there with me. It is now MY place where I can think, write, cry, smile, or just "be." I wish you success on finding a good therapist. May you have some peace today.
| Support » Baby steps » January 26, 2023 11:20 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 12
-
Elle,
Do you mind sharing when your situation happened?Ellexoh_nz wrote:My comments in red.
HereInMpls2717 wrote:I'm working on taking healthy steps forward in this journey. I've had a few days of extreme emotional pain and all of the crying I can stand. Yeah crying....it absolutely destroyed my face, in particular the skin & colouring under my eyes. I cried for a whole year while we were living in Australia and it was secret crying...at night, silent, internal. I stopped crying when I came to the conclusion it was only hurting me. So, with a mantra I said to myself, a deep breath and mental kick I weaned myself off needing the comfort of a good cry.
…
Feel free to throw positive, productive suggestions my way. I need as much positivity for the future as I can get. For myself....I had to change the mindset I had that my partner was the be-all/end-all of my life and that we would be together forever. It takes guts and determination to admit you have to change something you thought was unchangeable. If you don't have suggestions, share your positive experiences, new firsts, the stuff that has given you joy and excitement, stuff like that if you'd like!! Here's what I'm doing.
Today I wrote a note to myself. I realized when I write things out to process them, I always do so by imagining I'm talking it through with my wife. I discovered that was causing me pain and I was able to shift to talking and writing to only myself. That sounds minuscule but I'm recognizing it as a good step. The note was about what I want my future to be. I've focused a lot on wanting a future than includes friendship with my wife, and I do still want that, but I can't focus on that and heal. I've shifted focus to me and other connections. I wrote about career changes, past dreams I can resurrect, my kids, my health, my interests, and just being happy with who
| Support » Baby steps » January 26, 2023 8:42 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 12
-
Lots of good advice here! Thank you all.
| Support » Baby steps » January 25, 2023 1:46 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 12
-
I'm working on taking healthy steps forward in this journey. I've had a few days of extreme emotional pain and all of the crying I can stand. Feel free to throw positive, productive suggestions my way. I need as much positivity for the future as I can get. If you don't have suggestions, share your positive experiences, new firsts, the stuff that has given you joy and excitement, stuff like that if you'd like!! Here's what I'm doing.
Today I wrote a note to myself. I realized when I write things out to process them, I always do so by imagining I'm talking it through with my wife. I discovered that was causing me pain and I was able to shift to talking and writing to only myself. That sounds minuscule but I'm recognizing it as a good step. The note was about what I want my future to be. I've focused a lot on wanting a future than includes friendship with my wife, and I do still want that, but I can't focus on that and heal. I've shifted focus to me and other connections. I wrote about career changes, past dreams I can resurrect, my kids, my health, my interests, and just being happy with who I am. I found a lot of hope in that activity.
I've also reached out to a few therapists. One who specialized in my exact situation can't see me because I'm out of state (very disappointing) and i'm waiting to hear from others. I talked to a crisis hotline last night and while it was good to talk about things, the person couldn't offer any support. I did discover something though the interaction that was valuable though. When I talk about my story, I relive the pain and loss. I re-injure myself. Maybe I'm too raw to benefit from doing that right now.
If you've read this, thanks.
| General Discussion » Did I do something wrong? is it outing? » January 23, 2023 6:17 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 8
-
You spoke to YOUR brother. I guess technically you outed her, but she can't reasonably ask you to isolate yourself. I did that for almost 2 years and it's been awful for me. I just told my sister yesterday morning and her love and support has been incredibly helpful. Plus my sister supports my wife too, which I'm happy with.
She has to accept that this isn't just her thing anymore. It's now partly your story. It will impact your marriage and your life at a cellular level. That'll be hard for her to accept but feeling like you're being held prisoner in her closet will destroy you. Maybe she needs to think about whether you're enough of a priority for her to suffer some for you to be okay.
Just my 2 cents.
| General Discussion » The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order » January 23, 2023 4:31 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 16
-
So don't lead with that? hahaha
| Support » Amicable relationships » January 23, 2023 3:25 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 27
-
I mean I wish therapists were involved in this forum to help us process and heal productively. Also the support groups. Maintaining or finding a productive way to get through this without sinking into despair and bitterness is easier said than done. This is a very unique kind of experience and trauma, and while my therapist has a trauma background, she's not providing much guidance. I'm just surprised and disappointed there aren't therapists who are knowledgeable and experienced with this type of situation that are involved. Maybe others know what they're doing but I don't.
Ellexoh_nz wrote:HereInMpls2717 wrote:....... Many spouses have had awful things done to them, both straights and LGBT spouses. I wish I knew a better way to balance it all. I don't see that hating anyone for who they are is helpful, but anger over the situation or the way they hurt you also makes sense sometimes. Staying there would destroy me..
Sometimes 2717...I feel burdened by the fact I have it much easier than others. Settled in a don't talk about it/don't acknowledge it I can almost take my time with what little time I have left (I'm 64) There is no animosity between us. An underlying resentment for both sure but not wanting his world to blow up in his face by a separation and having to explain it....and me hanging on to the easy life the situation allows means I go between wanting out and staying because the financial outlook would be....well, not dire but I would have less. Of everything.
"I really wish this forum were moderated by trained therapists." Can you explain what you mean?
Elle
…
| Support » Amicable relationships » January 23, 2023 3:15 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 27
-
That's possible. Not my intention, but it's certainly possible and if I'm completely wrong, I'd retract it in a second. Too many statements from people saying all gay spouses do the same things, don't care about anyone but themselves, etc. Lumping everyone together and hating them is dehumanizing. I can definitely relate to experiencing the selfishness. You know what I did the other day and she's not speaking to me because SHE'S hurt.
I want to be compassionate and understanding of anyone who's felt life-long shame. That's wrong and they don't deserve that. But I also don't want to live with it either. Or die from it. And hurting your spouse by destroying their life is unconscionable too.Blackie563 wrote:I hear you. I think everyones situation is there own. When my ex told me she thought she was gay, I was 1000% supportive. But then it was clear she only told me some of the story. She began lying, habitually. I'x have proof and she would lie anyway. I dont hate anyone, hate takes too much energy. I certainly dont have any issues with LGBTQ community. I advocate for equality everyday for all. What I have an issue with, is her selfish, behavior. The lying. The online profiles that are clearly marked "looking for men". If she is bi- she never mentioned it. I would have happily supported that as well. She chose her own wants and decided to blow up her 3 kids lives and mine. I do think she is a bad person. I've learned through therapy, I have a rescuer thing going on, I seek out women I can "fix" unconciously. Thats a me problem. That said, we were together for 23 years. She knew this entire time who she was, and I dont mean gay, I mean manipulative, mean spirited, unkind, short tempered. Only in the last year has the mask come off completely.
Long winded way of saying, I get your point, but I think you may be presuming a great deal about many folks on this forum. All the best to you.
…
| General Discussion » The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order » January 23, 2023 3:01 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 16
-
I've been working out 4 days a week and walking 15k steps a day the last 1-1/2 years. I've lost 20 pounds already (really thought that would look like more, you know?). No greek God status yet, hoping the next 20 lbs does more, but nothing feels better right now than lifting heavy shit. And tattoos- that pain feels fucking amazing right now.
I'm in therapy once a week. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it's just processing the situation I'm in each week and it's draining. I've gone through the childhood trauma stuff and I'm mostly good. If it weren't for this I'd be the best I've been in years. Not gonna lie, I've wanted to throw in the towel for over a year. My kids kept me going. The other day was too much. We own a business together but it's mostly all me on paper and she'll get alimony so I'm going to be in the dark ages when we divorce.
Have you asked anyone if they're sure they're straight? I'm pretty sure that's going to be my opening line for a while.
Glad to hear you're doing as well as you are, hopefully I'll get there too.Blackie563 wrote:Hello HereIn -
…
First, I am GLAD you did not succeed in your attempt to take your own life. You are worth keeping in this world. I dont need to know you in order to say that. If you aren't already, please get professional assistance, I know I needed it IMMEDIATELY. I was in therapy the same day she (partially) told me about what she had been doing behind my back. I called EAP. I was a total wreck and the following 2 months, I lost 38 lbs, cried enough to fill a river, and felt I had lost the only aspect of my life I truly cared about. Worst part? She did not give one shit. She was/is only focused on herself. I digress.
To answer your questions: my self image and confidence are high. Here is why; that same day, August 7th of 2022, I was crushed. In addition to getting therapy, I made a decision to do "healthy" coping. I began waking up at 430AM to work out and did not miss a day until last week. I'm be cocky here,
| Support » Telling the kids... » January 23, 2023 2:24 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 18
-
For both DeepWater and Anon, and anyone else who shares their sentiments,
Neither of you sound like to live in constant anger. Neither of you sound like you hate anyone. Some commenters do, and having read posts here for months before posting myself, going back a long way, I notice that many of the most frequent commenters are the people who tell others to be angry and write in a dehumanizing way. I attempted to balance that conversation. If I did that badly, I am very sorry. I've been with my wife for nearly 24 years and got married weeks after turning 20. I've had to question my entire adult life too.
What do I know anyway? I'm trying and suffering, same as everyone. And regrettably I wasn't successful killing myself the other day, so maybe just read what I write with a grain of salt, consider if there's any value in it, and if not then let it go. I might be on here in a month full of anger and hate more than anyone. I'm just so fucking tired of the pain and anger and hurt. I'm tried of feeling this. Sometimes compassion helps everything.