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1 of 1- AdamMA
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Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
On Jan 1 my wife of 13 years kind of sort of came out as gay. She told me first- she wasn't feeling connected to me anymore romantically and thinks she may like women. In the weeks that followed she has now clarified that she is gay. Of course like most in this position, I've been on a rollercoaster since.
I have spoken with a few people other than my therapist about this. Trying to make sense of next steps, kids, house, our friendship, partnership etc... Today, on January 23 for the first time she asked that I not speak about this to anyone "we know" so as not to out her. At the same time she said she wants me to seek support. I should add that I'm an alcoholic in recovery- I say this because the process of recovery and the principles of AA have allowed me to learn how to open up and rely on peers for support and guidance. I know I cannot do this alone and if I try to, it will not go well.
I disclosed to her that anyone I have talked to she knows, because she knows my circle. She knew I spoke with my sponsor and and a couple other friends. I really don't understand how to thread the needle of - go get help, but don't do it with anyone we know. I disclosed to her that the only person I have spoken with that may give her concern is my brother. She flipped out, which is uncommon. She's accusing me of outing her and suggesting it is unethical, inappropriate and that I lied about it. My gut tells me I did the right thing. Whatever happens with the two of us, I believe it is appropriate for me to have one family member I can confide in with the knowledge that rocky times may be forthcoming. She knows I found this group for support and said "I bet your support group doesn't recommend outing a spouse without talking to them first."
Did I do something wrong?
Have you experienced something similar?
Up to this point we have been so mutually supportive and communicating well, I'm worried it is now blown up. Any advice?
- HereInMpls2717
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
You spoke to YOUR brother. I guess technically you outed her, but she can't reasonably ask you to isolate yourself. I did that for almost 2 years and it's been awful for me. I just told my sister yesterday morning and her love and support has been incredibly helpful. Plus my sister supports my wife too, which I'm happy with.
She has to accept that this isn't just her thing anymore. It's now partly your story. It will impact your marriage and your life at a cellular level. That'll be hard for her to accept but feeling like you're being held prisoner in her closet will destroy you. Maybe she needs to think about whether you're enough of a priority for her to suffer some for you to be okay.
Just my 2 cents.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
Adam,
Your gut is correct. You did not do anything wrong in talking about yourself and what is going on in your life to people who can support you at a time you need support. And your support group here will to a person tell you that you did not do anything unethical in finding support for yourself.
Your wife is mistaking "seeking support" for "malicious outing." "Outing" is a disclosure designed to cause the gay person harm (for instance at work). You know your motives were not to cause her harm. You have every right to find support from people who support and love you.
Time and time again on this forum (and I have been on it since 2016) I have read posts from people whose spouses are fine with upending the lives of their families but don't want anyone outside of the family to know about it. They do not want to pay any opportunity costs or experience any consequences for their newly disclosed sexual orientation; they just want to do as they want while we carry the burden of their secret. Why does your wife believe she gets to decide what help you are allowed to seek and from whom you are allowed to seek it? It's your life, too, and it's your right to speak about it.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 23, 2023 6:23 pm)
- AdamMA
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
Thank you for the quick responses. It is very helpful. I am going to have to get used to sitting in discomfort. Its going to take both of us to move this forward. I hate seeing her so sad and angry. I know she feels the same towards me.
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Thread Starter- Struggling
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
Since my wife came out to me almost two years ago, it has been hell. She wanted me to talk to others , but at first I was embarrassed to do so because I was afraid my friends would think it’s my fault, how bad of a husband could I be to make her completely lose interest not just in me, but men in general?
When the stress got to be too much and I started to talk to people I felt appropriate, I was questioned by her why I chose to talk to certain people, because they weren’t people that could help. She didn’t want me to talk to others that I’m close with because she’s part of that circle too.
I wish I had advice for you, but I’m navigating a minefield myself. I know I need help and can’t continue like this, but despite the circumstances, still love her and want to respect her wishes and needs.
Best of luck to you.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
Struggling,
I think your self-doubts come with the territory. In the aftermath of my now-ex's declaration that he'd decided he was "a woman in a man's body" I thought I must have been such a bad wife my husband didn't even want to be a man. Eventually I was able to flip that script and make myself feel better by telling myself I must have been such a great woman he wanted to become one, too. Of course neither of those was true, but the second one helped me combat the first.
As for their belief they have the right to dictate our actions. I suppose that after guarding their secrets for as long as they do, and being successful at doing so with us, they want to continue their control over who knows and who tells and what and who is told.
Steep learning curve for them to discover they control only their own behavior, and that once we have the knowledge that we've been denied (that they have denied us), we are able to set our own boundaries and make informed decisions--and act on them--about what's best for us.
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
After almost three years of dealing with GID's husband's shenanigans, I finally opened up to someone I trusted other than a Marriage counselor and my therapist. I trusted the individual would advise me because she loved my GID husband and me ( she had NO idea what I dealt with for years until now). She and her husband had been married for over 40 years and understood that it takes work in a marriage. I also shared where I believe I went wrong in my marriage (my shame). It is liberating to share and get advice from someone who knows you. It's another level of care and concern. It's another level of empathy.
It's pretty selfish of anyone if they won't allow you to get help on your terms!
Here is my favorite quote: “Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.”— Brené Brown
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
gwendolyn_C wrote:
......“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.”
— Brené Brown
I read that quote in Brene Brown's voice haha
(as well as trying to figure out how to get the accent above the e)
Edited to add....Adam, this is your truth, your pain, this was done to you.
Your life is not her truth, or her pain...it's yours
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 25, 2023 1:11 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Blue Bear
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Re: Did I do something wrong? is it outing?
You did nothing wrong.
"Outing" someone is publicly disclosing an LGBT+ person's sexual orientation when they chose to keep their sexual private. That person wanted to stay in the closet. But that LGBT+ person forfeits their right to the closet when they drag a straight person into the closet with them. We never signed up to be unwitting props in building that closet, and it's ridiculous for the in-denial LGBT+ person to expect us to keep the closet door shut after discovery or disclosure.
My ex-wife expected me to keep my mouth shut after I discovered her same-sex affair, and then she became furious when I didn't. It's a common way for the LGBT+ spouse to try to flip the script on us and vent their anger over the whole situation at us. It's victim blaming, and it's wrong.
So #1, you aren't "outing" your wife. And #2, you are entitled to tell your story and seek support. She didn't have your best interests in mind when she dragged you into the closet, and she sure doesn't have your best interests in mind in denying you the ability to seek support from family or friends.