Hey there HereInMpls2717, I understand your pain.  I, too, have cried so many tears.  One thing that has helped me is to find one new routine/place/activity that my GH has never done or gone to with me (which was hard as we live in a small town and have a complicated and intertwined life).  I have a place I go to when I need a break.  This place has no memories of him there with me.  It is now MY place where I can think, write, cry, smile, or just "be."  I wish you success on finding a good therapist.  May you have some peace today.

Firefly - I agree with you there.

It was such a novel concept....to do something, change something, and decide on something....that I have never done with my gay husband. It's kinda hilarious when I look back on it...but the first time this thought occurred to me was when I bought new underwear (of all things). I realized here I am wearing cute underwear and he will never see them. It was the weirdest thought.

I signed up for sessions with a personal trainer. I got a new cat. The list goes on....all these new, little steps into independence.

Every little step counts along the way. Keep it up. There will steps forward and back at first...but over time you find you start taking more steps forward, and having more good days than bad, and less days crying on the floor (so many days crying on the floor).

It still seems surreal, not gonna lie. Sometimes I get this dissociative feeling where I feel like I'm an outsider looking in on my life and I'm just going through the motions. But, sometimes I actually feel just happy. Nothing else. Just moments of happiness and joy and freedom.

Every step counts, agreed! For me, I like to buy small things (need to have financial disipline since my ex wife is taking me to the cleaners. Why you ask? Buying little things that I will need for my new house puts me in the mindset of the new life I am excited for. My therapist also recommended I wrote a manifesto, of all of the non-negotiables for my next relationship. I found that to be helpful, to see clearly what I will and will not accept in the future. 

Keep moving forward, inch by inch. I cried enough in the first 4 months to fill a river. Thats good. You can not keep that pain inside. Let it flow and feel 100% of it. Only by doing so, can you get to truly healing on the other side. Head up, you can and are doing great!

Elle,

Do you mind sharing when your situation happened? 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

My comments in red. 

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I'm working on taking healthy steps forward in this journey. I've had a few days of extreme emotional pain and all of the crying I can stand. Yeah crying....it absolutely destroyed my face, in particular the skin & colouring under my eyes. I cried for a whole year while we were living in Australia and it was secret crying...at night, silent, internal. I stopped crying when I came to the conclusion it was only hurting me. So, with a mantra I said to myself, a deep breath and mental kick  I weaned myself off needing the comfort of a good cry.
Feel free to throw positive, productive suggestions my way. I need as much positivity for the future as I can get. For myself....I had to change the mindset I had that my partner was the be-all/end-all of my life and that  we would be together forever. It takes guts and determination to admit you have to change something you thought was unchangeable. If you don't have suggestions, share your positive experiences, new firsts, the stuff that has given you joy and excitement, stuff like that if you'd like!! Here's what I'm doing.

Today I wrote a note to myself. I realized when I write things out to process them, I always do so by imagining I'm talking it through with my wife. I discovered that was causing me pain and I was able to shift to talking and writing to only myself. That sounds minuscule but I'm recognizing it as a good step. The note was about what I want my future to be. I've focused a lot on wanting a future than includes friendship with my wife, and I do still want that, but I can't focus on that and heal. I've shifted focus to me and other connections. I wrote about career changes, past dreams I can resurrect, my kids, my health, my interests, and just being happy with who I am. I found a lot of hope in that activity. 6 years ago I wrote a lot of stuff, most of it deleted or changed...just because but yes putting all that down where you can reread it is good. My Will contains a copy of the email (that lit the Mindfuck torch) for my children to read and my son has a letter to all my children safe in the (his?) cloud. Of course this, the Will etc, becomes irrelevant now the decision's been made to end the r'ship but at the time it gave me comfort to know my thoughts on paper were safe from my partner.

I've also reached out to a few therapists. One who specialized in my exact situation can't see me because I'm out of state (very disappointing) and i'm waiting to hear from others. I talked to a crisis hotline last night and while it was good to talk about things, the person couldn't offer any support. I did discover something though the interaction that was valuable though. When I talk about my story, I relive the pain and loss. I re-injure myself. Maybe I'm too raw to benefit from doing that right now. I 've been lucky in counselors in that I could tell her my story over time and feel that even though we now live in different cities I can Facetime her whenever I want. My story is important to me and there aren't too many people who deserve to hear it.
I had a thought this morning. I'm living and surviving on the boundaries of a r'ship that once filled the whole space within them. Looking in and remembering memories is all I can do from the outside and leaving doesn't mean I'll instantly forget all the pain of it...I simply have to be stronger than it

If you've read this, thanks. 

Elle