Hey, everybody,

Something is really bothering me that seems like it shouldn't. I know I am getting hung up on linguistics and answers and shouldn't, but I thought venting here might help me get it out of my system, at least.

As part of another discussion on Facebook (i.e., it was not a status update), my not-yet-ex husband mentioned that he was "bisexual." The discussion was about the recent shootings of African Americans and the cops in Dallas. He was talking about discrimination he had experienced as a "bisexual" person living with his partner. 

The fact that he continually refers to himself as bisexual really, really irks me to no end. I've done some thinking about this and really looking inside myself and I think I've figured out why it bothers me so much. I feel like he's saying he's bisexual, rather than gay, as a way to make our marriage look legitimate, and make him look like less of an asshole for tearing apart a 20 year partnership, and taking down three kids and a wife with a ship he sunk. I feel like it says, well I could have stayed with Sue, because I'm bi, not gay. I CHOSE to leave her. I didn't want to be with her in particular. It wasn't that I needed to be with a man, it was that I needed to get out of my miserable marriage.

Now I guess he could be bi. But I really deep down think he's gay. And he's only 10 months into the coming out process, so still going through a lot of identity crisis-type behavior. 

I feel like when he says "bi" he's trying not to own his shit. He has verbally, as I've mentioned in another post, told me that he left because he needed to get away from me. "I'm bi, see, so I could have stayed, or left you just as easily for a woman, I just chose a man." That's pretty much directly what he said to me at one point.

I feel like that tells the world it was our marriage or me that wasn't working. When in fact, he never complained about our marriage or me for decades, and I know he's using this framework of deflection to avoi

SW,

I am SO, SO sorry! I will be praying for your swift recovery! I'm so glad you weren't hurt worse, but hate that you are in pain.

Best wishes for a swift recovery,
Sue

I love this! So many truths. Language warning. I really liked getting the perspective that good, moral  gay people get sucked into the closet by GIDs, just like we do.

https://www.facebook.com/ChrisCrockerOFFICIAL/videos/10153803392899007/

Jason,

Kel's advice is, as usual, spot on. Please know you are in a state of shock right now. Don't be scared/surprised if you have trouble concentrating, things don't seem real, you have physical symptoms like lack of appetite or insomnia. This situation is just the same as if a loved one had died unexpectedly. And in fact they have -- the person you loved is gone. It takes a long time to begin to wrap your mind around that. Give yourself that time. Do reach out for support. My husband gave me much the same talk you received 18 years into our marriage. I had no clue. It was like being hit by a freight train. And once he made the plunge, the coldness and distance you've described began almost immediately. That was the hardest part as he'd been my best friend for 20 years. As Kel said, they've had a long long time to think about this. And you've not. I'd add that they often have to distance themselves dramatically from you in order to do what they've decided they must.

When this first happened to me I was mortified to tell anyone. I had this idea that my family and friends would somehow blame me for this or think I'd participated knowingly in a sham. I couldn't have been further from wrong. I encourage you to reach out.

I went through about 12 weeks of shock. Then the grief process set in -- anger, depression, bargaining, all in no particular order. You really may want to consider an empathetic individual  therapist. Just make sure they're there for you and not overly empathetic with your spouse.

Finally -- and this was the hard part for me, although others here moved more quickly, get a lawyer. My denial kept me from getting one, along with sheer fear. But you must have good representation. It doesn't have to be today or next week, but soon.

Lean in. Lean here, call the SSN hotline or email them. Lean on empathetic family and friends. You'll need the support and there is no shame in what's happened. You didn't do this. You gave your heart. You will make it t

Thank you for sharing! Posts like yours are a godsend and give us all hope! Best wishes.