I know there are many here who are able to say this more eloquently than i can,  But why do you want to fight for something he has given up on ?  I think with time and space you'll get a clearer perspective on implications of all this.  But also what you want from a partner

I was going to say that it'd be difficult to answer whether or not it's worth staying if I don't know the details.  But that's not really the truth.  And that's because in order to stay together, you'd have to be fine with having a marriage on paper only.  Because what you have will be roommates otherwise.  If you want him as a roommate, then fine.  But it's not very satisfying.  I think it only works if you're fine having no intimacy in your life anymore.  The other option is to have you both free to pursue outside partners and stay in the house together, co-parenting.  And that's all you'd be doing - you'd be (maybe) friends who are co-parenting.  He'd have someone else to share his thoughts and desires with, so you wouldn't get that.  You wouldn't get him in your bed, and you wouldn't have your heart.  Which means that you'd be keeping him around for one (or both) of two reason:
1. For the kids
2. Because you're scared to let him go

Let's address #1 first: Do you really want your kids to see that kind of life as a blueprint for what to expect out of their own marriages some day  Do you want them to see that they should settle for no intimacy and passion because they're scared to try for more?  Do you really think an unhappy mommy can give her best to her kids?

Now #2: It's scary to give up what we're comfortable with.  But now that you know the truth, you have ALREADY been essentially told that you're not going to have what you thought you were going to have.  That's very difficult.  But staying won't get you what you want, either.

I was paralyzed by fear for a long time - how would I support myself? What about the kids? How could I be the one to break up my family? What if he was the best man I would ever find?  Well, my turning point came when I realized lots of things - like I'm just as important as the other people in the family.  That being unhappy isn't a good way to raise kids.  That I didn't want to have my kids' idea of marriage modeled after mine.  But more than anything, this helped: When I couldn't see myself doing what it took to leave, I thought about staying forever.  And that made me panic more than leaving.  I realized that while I didn't know if I'd ever be happy if I left, I KNEW I wouldn't ever be if I stayed.

I personally never advise people to stay and try to have an open marriage.  But that's because I can't see what the point is.  I want to build a life with someone - ALL of it.  I wanted it all.  And I couldn't have it with the gay man I was with.  I realized that if I stayed, I'd literally be CHOOSING unhappiness.  So I chose to leave.  And you know what?  My kids are fine - happier than ever.  And my family got over it (my parents, siblings).  And I met the most amazing man on the planet, and married him (going on 3 years the week after next).  And my marriage is way more than I ever thought any marriage could be.  All those years I was just trying to live with what I had, only to learn that I should have just pulled the plug.  Now my ex is happy with a man, and so am I (different man, ha). It's possible.  It doesn't happen overnight, but nothing ever does.

Best to you.  We're here.  We get it.

Kel

Fernanda, your story makes it seem as though he has been lying to you and trying to deceive you for a long, long time.  And you've been unhappy for a long time.  And you can't trust him.  He has shown you time and time again who he is.  Believe him.

They get married because they don't want to be gay.  They don't want to be gay because they think people won't accept them, or will treat them poorly.  Or maybe because in their mind, a "real" man is masculine and can attract women.  I get why it's scary for them.  They could have taken their time and come out slowly, or later in life.  What they shouldn't have done was gotten married so they could have what they wanted (respect, children, etc.), but at the straight spouse's expense.  That just wasn't right.

My ex told my son that he knew when he was marrying me that he was gay.  But that he thought he loved me enough to make it work.  I think he really wanted to have a traditional family (he was adopted and had no blood relatives), and this was the only way he saw that he could do it.  All I know is that in the end, I was WAAAAY happier after I left him than I ever was with him.  I never knew how miserable I was until I left.

If he's cheating on you, deceiving to you, lying to you, and doing everything he can to hide what he's doing so that he can continue to get what he wants (to stay married so he can look good to the outside world, but then he can sleep with men as he pleases), then he's only looking out for himself.  There is no marriage when it's only self-serving.

Good luck.  I think it's great that you're going to talk to a therapist to clear your mind.

Kel
 

Flakesofglitter,

I felt EXACTLY like you do. My body shut down on me. I was devastated, sad, angry, felt like my emotions were all over the place. And so desperate to save the marriage I even backtracked once he said he was divorcing me. I was all, if you want an open marriage (which he had suggested), fine, then I'll do that. ANYTHING not to break up our marriage of nearly 20 years and our three kids. Fortunately he said no.

It SUCKS HUGE RHINO BALLS (pardon the expression) at first. Grief is so overwhelming. Do you have any family or friends you can talk with? Do you have a therapist? (Not one you may have seen with your husband, but one just for you.) I know right now you are scared as hell and you want him back. That feeling will fade, I PROMISE. 

Please hang in there and keep on writing here. There is so much good advice and support on the forum.

Best,
Sue