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July 8, 2016 5:18 am  #1


Is it possible?

I know you all have been going through this longer then me... This is day number 5 for me... If you could please help me decide if this is even possible...

I watched a video about a straight spouse, her name was Camilla. Her husband came out as gay and they were able to stay together and remain happy.... At least during the video... The video was only 3 1/2 years after the news of him being gay... And they were young, so idk if they will last forever...

I'm asking because if it's possible is it stupid to try and stay with my gay husband... I'm having such a hard time being away. I took our kids and am staying with my parents..But I can't eat, I haven't slept More than a few hours at night... I'm throwing up every drop of water I drink and even stomach acid...

I'm so angry with my husband right now, we took family photos and just got the prints back, I ripped them up and threw them at him... I couldn't help it, I was just so mad... I then kicked a basket of clean laundry... And threw our daughters diaper bag... Then left the house with the kids and haven't been back...

I know you have all been through this and are a lot further into the process then me... So please just help me decide if it's even worry trying? Should I try to fix things for my sanity? Or should I just give up on my marriage?

 

July 8, 2016 8:21 am  #2


Re: Is it possible?

I know there are many here who are able to say this more eloquently than i can,  But why do you want to fight for something he has given up on ?  I think with time and space you'll get a clearer perspective on implications of all this.  But also what you want from a partner

 

July 8, 2016 9:10 am  #3


Re: Is it possible?

Hi F.O.G.  You will be so much happier once this all passes.  And, it will pass.  The hurt will pass, the wanting him around will pass.  The anger takes longer.  But in the mean time you need to see a doctor about throwing up.  Don't let him do damage to your health.  He's not worth it. 

There is no program or counselor that can change a person's orientation.  If you went to see a counselor could they convince you to be gay?  If he stayed, it would be a façade.  A complete lie.  We've all lived that.  I tried to stay and lived it for three years before I knew I had to give up. 

Hang in there.  I promise it will all work out. 

 

July 8, 2016 10:23 am  #4


Re: Is it possible?

I was going to say that it'd be difficult to answer whether or not it's worth staying if I don't know the details.  But that's not really the truth.  And that's because in order to stay together, you'd have to be fine with having a marriage on paper only.  Because what you have will be roommates otherwise.  If you want him as a roommate, then fine.  But it's not very satisfying.  I think it only works if you're fine having no intimacy in your life anymore.  The other option is to have you both free to pursue outside partners and stay in the house together, co-parenting.  And that's all you'd be doing - you'd be (maybe) friends who are co-parenting.  He'd have someone else to share his thoughts and desires with, so you wouldn't get that.  You wouldn't get him in your bed, and you wouldn't have your heart.  Which means that you'd be keeping him around for one (or both) of two reason:
1. For the kids
2. Because you're scared to let him go

Let's address #1 first: Do you really want your kids to see that kind of life as a blueprint for what to expect out of their own marriages some day  Do you want them to see that they should settle for no intimacy and passion because they're scared to try for more?  Do you really think an unhappy mommy can give her best to her kids?

Now #2: It's scary to give up what we're comfortable with.  But now that you know the truth, you have ALREADY been essentially told that you're not going to have what you thought you were going to have.  That's very difficult.  But staying won't get you what you want, either.

I was paralyzed by fear for a long time - how would I support myself? What about the kids? How could I be the one to break up my family? What if he was the best man I would ever find?  Well, my turning point came when I realized lots of things - like I'm just as important as the other people in the family.  That being unhappy isn't a good way to raise kids.  That I didn't want to have my kids' idea of marriage modeled after mine.  But more than anything, this helped: When I couldn't see myself doing what it took to leave, I thought about staying forever.  And that made me panic more than leaving.  I realized that while I didn't know if I'd ever be happy if I left, I KNEW I wouldn't ever be if I stayed.

I personally never advise people to stay and try to have an open marriage.  But that's because I can't see what the point is.  I want to build a life with someone - ALL of it.  I wanted it all.  And I couldn't have it with the gay man I was with.  I realized that if I stayed, I'd literally be CHOOSING unhappiness.  So I chose to leave.  And you know what?  My kids are fine - happier than ever.  And my family got over it (my parents, siblings).  And I met the most amazing man on the planet, and married him (going on 3 years the week after next).  And my marriage is way more than I ever thought any marriage could be.  All those years I was just trying to live with what I had, only to learn that I should have just pulled the plug.  Now my ex is happy with a man, and so am I (different man, ha). It's possible.  It doesn't happen overnight, but nothing ever does.

Best to you.  We're here.  We get it.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 8, 2016 2:38 pm  #5


Re: Is it possible?

I never posted my case here!  But now reading all this is felt like to share some of my story!  I am 49 years old and I have been married for 30 years! Since very early in my marriage I could see something was wrong! My husband even pushed me from  bed and so much more!  As years went by were more red flags that now I can see on a different way,  because I really did married young and everything was new for me!  Sex was less and less,  he made me believe that he had no erection, so we went to different Dr's but he never took the pills! Finally 10 years ago I found that he was going on gay websites and saving pictures of naked man!  Of course he denied everything! 2 years after I found out that he was on gay bar's, and he again denied! But 6 years ago he couldn't deny anymore all that I found was to obvious  and his manners and attitudes were very obvious! After all the fights and our live turned a big mess I decided to stay with him!  Not just because he almost made me believe he was not gay but also because I thought about my son that's is 20 years old now but has cerebral palsy since he was born!  The difference is that we start to sleep in separate bedrooms! Not easy but was my decision!  2 years after was another big mess!  I discovered that he was contacting with guys on Craigslist and also at the same time he was accused of sexual harassment! I really got scared but I stayed!  I know that since that time until now he must had seen lot a boys, he likes them young! But I kept leaving with him! Last week, I again discover that he is meeting with some guy,  I already confronted him,  he denies but I can see in his face that he is lying! And I have some proofs!
All this story just to say that was not worth it to stay!  All this time I was the one in the "closet"! I feel now that is time for me to move!  I deserve better! I also need love, care and affection! He keeps asking me if I want him to leave!  That I can't decide!
I am suffering and also my son because leaving like this is really bad!  Nobody deserves this!
The only thing that until today I don't understand it's why they get married!
I am about to start therapy so I can clear my mind!  And move on!

Last edited by Fernanda (July 8, 2016 2:42 pm)

 

July 8, 2016 3:52 pm  #6


Re: Is it possible?

Fernanda, your story makes it seem as though he has been lying to you and trying to deceive you for a long, long time.  And you've been unhappy for a long time.  And you can't trust him.  He has shown you time and time again who he is.  Believe him.

They get married because they don't want to be gay.  They don't want to be gay because they think people won't accept them, or will treat them poorly.  Or maybe because in their mind, a "real" man is masculine and can attract women.  I get why it's scary for them.  They could have taken their time and come out slowly, or later in life.  What they shouldn't have done was gotten married so they could have what they wanted (respect, children, etc.), but at the straight spouse's expense.  That just wasn't right.

My ex told my son that he knew when he was marrying me that he was gay.  But that he thought he loved me enough to make it work.  I think he really wanted to have a traditional family (he was adopted and had no blood relatives), and this was the only way he saw that he could do it.  All I know is that in the end, I was WAAAAY happier after I left him than I ever was with him.  I never knew how miserable I was until I left.

If he's cheating on you, deceiving to you, lying to you, and doing everything he can to hide what he's doing so that he can continue to get what he wants (to stay married so he can look good to the outside world, but then he can sleep with men as he pleases), then he's only looking out for himself.  There is no marriage when it's only self-serving.

Good luck.  I think it's great that you're going to talk to a therapist to clear your mind.

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

July 8, 2016 4:57 pm  #7


Re: Is it possible?

Flakes..

I tried to hang in there and ignore the gay affair but could not.  In the beginning when she went out and stayed out until 230am I shook with trauma. 

It would eat me up..if she's meeting a female and shopping is it a date or just two friends getting together?  And what stores are open at 2am....

Once the trust is gone it becomes impossible to hold the family.  together.  They make us feel worthless which we are not.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 8, 2016 5:08 pm  #8


Re: Is it possible?

Flakesofglitter,

I felt EXACTLY like you do. My body shut down on me. I was devastated, sad, angry, felt like my emotions were all over the place. And so desperate to save the marriage I even backtracked once he said he was divorcing me. I was all, if you want an open marriage (which he had suggested), fine, then I'll do that. ANYTHING not to break up our marriage of nearly 20 years and our three kids. Fortunately he said no.

It SUCKS HUGE RHINO BALLS (pardon the expression) at first. Grief is so overwhelming. Do you have any family or friends you can talk with? Do you have a therapist? (Not one you may have seen with your husband, but one just for you.) I know right now you are scared as hell and you want him back. That feeling will fade, I PROMISE. 

Please hang in there and keep on writing here. There is so much good advice and support on the forum.

Best,
Sue


"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
 

July 8, 2016 5:16 pm  #9


Re: Is it possible?

Right this second I'm doing ok... But who knows how many seconds I will be ok... My husband is not doing ok today... He is as upset as I was yesterday, not mad, just sad to lose his family. I told him he can have the kids for the weekend, that made him feel better. I would never take his kids from him, he is a great father.

I know how upset he is, I was and will be again I'm sure... But I feel so bad, I know he did this, but I love him, I LOVE him with all of my heart, I hate to see him so upset... I texted a friend of his (the only one he has told) and asked her to please keep in contact with him, because he is feeling suicidal... And of course she is happy to help him...

I told my best friend, my sister and my mom. It's nice having somebody to talk to, it is helping some. I know I will probably go back to being upset again, but right now I'm doing better...

I will keep coming here because you have all really helped me. Thank you.

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