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1 of 1- Sue
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Venting -- slightly superficial -- bi vs gay
Hey, everybody,
Something is really bothering me that seems like it shouldn't. I know I am getting hung up on linguistics and answers and shouldn't, but I thought venting here might help me get it out of my system, at least.
As part of another discussion on Facebook (i.e., it was not a status update), my not-yet-ex husband mentioned that he was "bisexual." The discussion was about the recent shootings of African Americans and the cops in Dallas. He was talking about discrimination he had experienced as a "bisexual" person living with his partner.
The fact that he continually refers to himself as bisexual really, really irks me to no end. I've done some thinking about this and really looking inside myself and I think I've figured out why it bothers me so much. I feel like he's saying he's bisexual, rather than gay, as a way to make our marriage look legitimate, and make him look like less of an asshole for tearing apart a 20 year partnership, and taking down three kids and a wife with a ship he sunk. I feel like it says, well I could have stayed with Sue, because I'm bi, not gay. I CHOSE to leave her. I didn't want to be with her in particular. It wasn't that I needed to be with a man, it was that I needed to get out of my miserable marriage.
Now I guess he could be bi. But I really deep down think he's gay. And he's only 10 months into the coming out process, so still going through a lot of identity crisis-type behavior.
I feel like when he says "bi" he's trying not to own his shit. He has verbally, as I've mentioned in another post, told me that he left because he needed to get away from me. "I'm bi, see, so I could have stayed, or left you just as easily for a woman, I just chose a man." That's pretty much directly what he said to me at one point.
I feel like that tells the world it was our marriage or me that wasn't working. When in fact, he never complained about our marriage or me for decades, and I know he's using this framework of deflection to avoid guilt and responsibility.
Anyway, I know it's a waste of time to get hung up on semantics. But I want to own that this betrayal was completely his and had very little to do with what kind of wife I was, and I feel like his use of the term "bi" undermines that.
Then again, who the hell knows, maybe he is bi, which I don't think even has a solid definition, because bi people fall on different points of the scale as far as emotional love and sexual attraction go.
Thanks for listening. Hope my rambling makes some sense. I know I need to let this go and the forum is often the place that helps me do just that. Your all's feedback is always so helpful to me.
Love you all!
Sue
Last edited by Sue (July 9, 2016 9:18 am)
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- Leah
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Re: Venting -- slightly superficial -- bi vs gay
Hi Sue,
You are not being superficial. Words define our perception. My XGID husband says he is 'bi' but he has not told anyone, including his ex-girlfriend! And it is bad enough having your family and world blown apart, but to be asked to share the responsibility when you were trying your best fully engaged in the relationship while these people were dicking around exploring their sexual definition and finding a 'new definition' for themselves that ultimately excluded their partners who were NOT questioning or exploring how they wanted to define themselves sexually.
My XGIDH still isn't sure. He is dating women. And has made it clear that I was 'difficult' and that our "marital problems" had nothing to do with his infidelities!!! As we were both religious and devote, I cannot see how he could possibly not have felt guilty. But he told me he was "surprised at how little his activities played on his mind" He is deep in denial. He is not coming out anytime soon. And he wants me to take 'responsibility' for our divorce. I do - in that I decided I could not trust him or live with the long history of lies and continued denial of the significance of 20+ years of 'investigating!" He says he is 'over all that" now.
And I am gutted. I feel like it would mean so much if he could own it fully! Anyway. Bi Gay WHATEVA! We still have to live with the fall out. But we know the truth. I tried so hard to forgive all the signs thinking it was just 'curiousity" but I was just a fool... He told me once that even if he could go there here (pointing to his body....he could not go there here...pointing to his head...this from a man who was getting his cock sucked in public toilets.....for someone NOT going there....he was certainly pretty deep in!!! And this guy is out there looking for another beard....
Anyway that's my rant for the day too! Words do mean something, but mostly with my X they are lies....so in the end 'it is what it is....hahaha
Hugs!
Leah
- Frustrated
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Re: Venting -- slightly superficial -- bi vs gay
Hi Sue,
I'm just getting to read your post and am surprised by the similarities of our situations. At least on the surface. I'm right there with you on the bi/gay thing. He says he had "bi-affairs" like that is some kind of thing that is okay to do when you are married. He makes it sound like no big deal. Yet in not saying he is gay, he says he has been unhappy in our marriage for 18 years (REALLY!!) It is one excuse after another. Right now he is saying that I am an unreliable and irresponsible mother and he has felt like a single parent for years. He keeps pointing the finger at me as if I caused his unhappiness. I'm in conflict about whether to just let him banter or to defend myself from it.
Someone on this support group said not to expect him to admit his problem or expect an apology. I guess I was waiting for both. Maybe that's where I'm wrong in expecting him to take responsibility and "man up". I said that once to him and boy did he get pissed! Anyways... I'm so sorry you too are going through this. It really sucks.
- Kt2016
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Re: Venting -- slightly superficial -- bi vs gay
Hi Sue,
Your venting makes so much sense to me. It is clear as day to me that my husband is gay. He flips back n forth tho saying he's gay or bi or doesn't know. Then he tries to blame me cuz he says he was tired of my shit, my accusations, my comments, "you're never gonna trust me again" blah blah blah. Well when you're a liar, cheater, & get caught repeatedly? Sure, I'm to blame for you not wanting me? Not because you're attracted to & cheated on me with men? Lol are they seriously not in their right mind?! It's ridiculous
- Rob
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Re: Venting -- slightly superficial -- bi vs gay
Well working off the comment about my using the derogatory term lezex..
I think the bi gives them too much moral credit.. hum. I'm learning here ..
If a person is single and dates and goes between men and women I consider that bi. But here we're saying our spouses went on a 10,20,30 year date with us...and then switched so that makes them bi. Sigh. So my ex wife is not suddenly a lesbian...but a bisexual.. ok. That may be correct to everyone else.
But to me, where I stand, she will always be my wife that turned into a lesbian. Or always was.. or she is a bi. Either way she is a raging narcissist which I know not all lesbian or gay people are.
If this wasn't so confusing and hurtful I wouldn't be here. I don't know what to call her. Maybe narc. .then in time simply my exwife (thereby hiding in the closet that she is a narcissistic lesbian or bi or gay exwife). Let me remain in the closet forever?
I apologize for incorrect terms..it's not like I was ever part of or knew anything about the LGBT community. The real gay people I know are nothing like my exwife in morals.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- JJ1966
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Re: Venting -- slightly superficial -- bi vs gay
ok if we're going to rant...,it's my turn. I have been here a bit and have definitely put my 2 cents in ...um ....more than a bit.
It always amazes me when you finally get to the point where you can vocalize your feelings to your other half (can't bring myself to say "better" half) and after all they've put you thru they have the nerve to be angry because they say you are giving them an "ultimatum"? No it is called keeping your vows versus them telling you they won't and you are supposed to just accept it. But that's not an ultimatum? Being forced to eat sh$t with a spoon like a lady and everything will be just fine, just as long as you don't grow a spine?!
Shew...sorry...I needed to get that out. I don't believe in bisexual, not in my gid's case, years of lies and cheating and taking my life and health in his hands and playing russian roulette with both? he doesn't get that benefit anymore. I'm just glad, I don't think all men are the same. Just his low life, cheating, lying, scum sucking, snake in the grass.......&*^%$##%^&** self. Sorry guess I wasn't done yet
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.