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| Support » Existential Crisis » February 2, 2023 8:45 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 9
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Anon,
I'm so sorry you've been put through this. Hearing people you've cared about say things like that is devastating. I don't think words can ever really help in situations like what you're going through. I'm sad for and with you.
Eventually maybe words can help, so I'm writing this. There is no excuse or reason for what they've done to you that could ever justify it. Their choices and actions are cruel and heartless. If they never considered you a part of the family, that shows how dishonest, manipulative and opportunistic they all are. If they did think of you as family before but are saying that now to somehow "support" your ex, that's just vicious and heartless. I would guess it's not everyone in the family, it never usually is, but the outspoken ones set the message and if the quiet ones don't break rank, it doesn't really matter what they believe.
I've known you a short time, but I've read your posts with interest because you're thoughtful, introspective, kind, and honest. You have wonderful thoughts and share them well. I can see that you're genuine and anyone would be blessed to know and have in their life if they were authentic enough to appreciate you.
Anon2222 wrote:So....I'm pretty sure I had some sort of existential crisis over the past few days.
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It started Sunday. It was my ex-SILs birthday. I know they had a big get together to celebrate at a fancy restaurant. Of course, I was not invited.
I was a "part" of the family for 18 years. I was there from the birth of my nieces of nephews until this point (oldest is 16). I went to hockey games and recitals. Bought all the gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I had held out some hope that I would at least be able to peripherally be involved a bit in their lives as I was "aunty anon" for 16 years. I don't have kids (my gay husband very cruelly made sure of that). My family is small and currently my only sibling is basically being an a**hole to me.
So, his giant boisterous family....I spent a lot of
| Support » Telling the kids... » February 1, 2023 12:33 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 18
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Thank you gwendolyn_c,
I'm in therapy and talking to a few supportive people now. You're right about mind bending. I can't even know how badly this has affected my ability to live the last year, how it affected my business, etc. I'm trying to work through as much as possible now while I'm off so I can focus on making enough money to live after divorce, not to mention finding more friends. I've decided that my life needs to be my own and only be shared with people who want what's best for me. I think I've learned who that doesn't include now. One more loss along the way. Eventually I'm sure the losses taper off and you can start adding better things and people, right?. Maybe that's starting to happen. Says the man about to go through a divorce hahaha! How delusional.
Thanks for your support, it means a lot.gwendolyn_C wrote:HereInMpls2717: Welcome to the mind-bending phase (others call it the mindf *** phase). Your wife is redirecting the focus, blame, or criticism away from herself to avoid dealing with negative consequences. Deflection is a form of gaslighting. God's love is not to hurt you in the process of your wife's new discovery. For the sake of your sanity, seek help for your healing and direction. Limit any conversations with your wife about dating. She'll use it as a weapon. Focus on what you want for yourself and your children. Stop trying to process her feelings.
| Support » Telling the kids... » February 1, 2023 12:13 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 18
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You also have nothing to apologize for. I appreciate your perspective and it was extremely helpful. Truth is always healing eventually, even if it hurts at first.
Just to be clear, I wasn't interested in dating. Or meeting anyone. I'm not interested now either. I fully realize my own emotional limitations. There was some escapism to be sure, but mostly after hearing some of the "brave" things my LW told me about how she experienced being with me, I lost so much of what I thought about myself for a while. I get very little external validation as it is, and I'm still a confident, self-knowing person, but when someone who knows you better than anyone tells you things that cut into your deepest core fears, it can shake you badly. I can't imagine telling someone what she's told me. I certainly have miscommunicated before, but I apologize when I find out and try to do better. I don't feel the need to justify what I did either, just want to make that clear though.
Thanks Rob. I appreciate your heart. We'll get through it. Eventually.SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:HereInMpls2717:
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Don't apologize for anything, to anyone. You, brother, have been wronged, as have I, & so many others on this forum, who stood before God, family, & friends, & vowed "till death do us part," & meant it! My LW would tell you that she meant it "at the time," & that our life together was "real." Yet, here we are, 3 decades later, & I'm the only one holding to that, divorce proceedings & all!
I am SO SORRY that you felt drawn to ending your own life. I should have been far more supportive in my previous post, & for that, I earnestly ask your forgiveness. I have been where you are, wondering what good is life without my beloved? But, my children pull me from the brink. They offer me meaning in a situation that seems so devoid of meaning. They are God's blessing to me, that reminds me to think not of myself, but of them. You must look first to your children & the joy they bring you. That can sustain
| Support » So much pain and jealousy » January 31, 2023 3:00 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 9
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One of the first things you have to figure out is where peoples' loyalties lie. Some might side with "family", regardless of circumstances. Others may take a thoughtful approach and support those who need support, regardless of relationship. That's really rare. Few people are strong enough to stand on principle. They do whatever is easiest, whatever leads to fewer arguments or conflicts.
When a spouse comes out and shifts their identity, that's a major change for everyone. Most people won't do much for anyone, they'll do what they have to do to get back to their own lives because that's what actually matters to them. It's kind of heartless, really. The easiest thing for your husband's family is to approve of him, say it's great he's doing it, and move on. That's the end of it for them. If they engage with the injustice and loss you're experiencing, they're involving themselves more than they want. The conflict-avoidant family system is designed to silence anyone who's experiencing a real problem to keep the peace.
I can't be sure, but it sounds like that's what you're experiencing. No amount of reasoning or explanation will change it. If your SIL was the only one to show you any compassion and she's now acting like that, I'd cut my losses with the lot of them. They've chosen him over you.EmberLIT56 wrote:I should clarify, my sister-in-law is actually my husband's brother's sister, so not blood related. I know, or at least I assume, that in her heart she thinks she is doing the best thing by trying to get my husband to be comfortable in his new skin, and that's great. But it's like a huge slap in the face to me and I don't think she gets it. And yes, she is married into the family and her loyalty lies with them--it's just hard because I remember sticking up for her and being protective of her when she first started dating my brother-in-law and he would do some stuff I didn't like. Plus, if she is such a neutral party then where is the concern for me. I
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| Support » Baby steps » January 31, 2023 11:24 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 12
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Ember,
I'll check out the book, thanks for the recommendation! I like the letter idea too. I'll do that!
You're right. No one understands what it does to you. They have no idea. People often don't know how to handle grief and loss as it is and this is confusing and complicated on a whole other level.
Hang in there! You're doing great.
| Support » So much pain and jealousy » January 29, 2023 12:28 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 9
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That advice to move on and focus on yourself.... most people don't understand what this is like. I'm still figuring out what it's like, being somewhere between the beginning and middle. My therapist has been saying that for months. I ask how I get through this and she says I need to focus less on the situation and more on myself. That's nearly impossible- don't feel bad about that for 1 second.
Something that has helped me is a book on grieving. I haven't bought it yet but I intend to. I'm pretty sure it's How to go on Living When Someone you Love Dies by Therese Rando. I can check the next time I'm there to be sure that's it. I've read through several chapters and spent time reflecting on what it covers and it helped me sort things out. It describes the steps necessary to go from grieving to complete healing. I think there are 18-20 steps to healing. Feeling like I had some control and some idea of what to expect was empowering. Your situation can make it seem like your life is happening to you and that is extremely hard.
I've very sorry you're hurting and alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You didn't do anything wrong. You loved your spouse through that as best you could. You're an amazing human being. It'll get better. Might also feel worse sometimes. You'll get through it.EmberLIT56 wrote:Hi everyone,
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I'm new here. A quick backstory. My partner (mtf) has struggled with gender dysphoria for most of our 18 years of marriage (and 23 years together although the issue and extent was unknown to me for a lot of it). She always hated it and said she didn't want to have these feelings and would try to suppress them and it would work for a while, but then it would always come back. About 5 years ago, she started to dabble in dressing and makeup and at that point we went to marriage counseling. We ended counseling on different footings--I thought it was all over and she had agreed not to transition, she thought she had agreed not to transi
| Support » Telling the kids... » January 29, 2023 9:15 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 18
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Hey Anon-
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Just so you know, I agree with nearly everything you've said here. I haven't exactly been cheated on but what happened feels like it. I don't fully understand what she's told me with so many conflicting angles, and I believe that she's been confused, but I also believe I've been lied to and manipulated so I stay in this marriage for much longer because that's what she wanted. I believe that was partly based on love, but also fear and self-preservation and I feel I've been controlled and deceived.
The amicable stuff comes and goes. Right now she's angry at ME and hasn't spoken to me in over a week, ignores my existence, etc. Apparently my going on dating apps to see what it's like to interact with straight women (with no intention of or desire to meet anyone) is inexcusable, but it's perfectly fine for her to dance and touch a woman drunk in a bar. Nevermind I gave her permission to go on a date when I believed she didn't know what her orientation was (figuring out if she really wanted women was the sole reason and I explicitly said that), even though she's apparently known the entire time. She wasn't confused about desiring women, she was confused about wanting men (me). That would have been good information to have. No need for the date then, right? Seems like we should be exploring ways for her to be happy with ME, not experimenting with women. But I've apologized for hurting her and she's ignoring me.
It has helped me to talk with a gay man who's a new friend. He went through it with his straight wife. He's helped me understand her POV. He's also told me I didn't sign up for this, it's not my fault, I haven't done anything wrong (including the app thing), I don't deserve to be treated the way she's treating me, she needs to stop trying to control me, I don't deserve to be closeted either, etc. It was transformative for me to hear someone who has gotten to the other side of this situation telling me that, especially from the gay perspective.
I di
| General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » January 28, 2023 8:49 am |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 196
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You can ask anything. I may not answer some things but questions don't bother me.
Initially she said she wasn't straight and didn't want or know how to label herself. I accepted that. Then she said she might be a lesbian, but wasn't sure. Obviously that would change things significantly for us, and I said so, but she said she didn't know. For over 2 years she's needed varying amounts of continual "space" to heal from childhood and things in her past, conflict in our marriage, etc. After the sexuality stuff started and she needed even more "space", I did my best to give it to her but would check in every month or so, ask what's going on, any progress, etc. Space meant freedom from me needing or wanting anything from her as her husband. Our relationship was entirely on her terms. For 1-1/2 years she maintained that she didn't know for sure, but would incrementally say she wasn't finding any bisexuality in herself, but don't give up on her. It was open-ended. That's what I mean by waiting for her.
I know it's confusing for her, but hearing that she never knew she was gay, but also that she's known forever, is confusing for me too. Hearing that she wasn't sure about her sexuality, AND that she's known she was a lesbian the entire time since starting to explore it, AND that she's been hoping to figure out how to be straight so as not to lose me and our family, while saying she's always been gay, never interested in men and was born that way (which I believe)... I can see ways it could all be true but it feels like i've been held hostage and lied to.
I worry my story is hijacking your story. I don't mean to do that. Reading others' stories and how they're similar and different compared to mine helps me figure things out. If it's not helpful for you please let me know.Ellexoh_nz wrote:
…HereInMpls2717 wrote:. .....I waited for her to make a decision for over a year, then I decided I'd make the decision, but now I've bounced back and forth so many times.....
| General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » January 27, 2023 1:00 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 196
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It takes incredible courage to do what you're doing. You're making a choice that must be difficult but that you need to make for your well-being, come what may. That's seriously amazing. I wish you only the best. You certainly deserve it.
I waited for her to make a decision for over a year, then I decided I'd make the decision, but now I've bounced back and forth so many times. Too many feelings involved. I'm trying to settle into my own decision while making peace with never being fully confident that it's the right one. It's not what I want, that's the issue. But we don't always get what we want.Ellexoh_nz wrote:Full of sadness, indecision and disconnection.
This morning I made an appointment for a phone consult, stated it was about separating. I have to do this now, and besides you all understanding why...I'm saying it here because I can't turn around now and say I couldn't go through with it.
I'm 65 in May. If I live as long as my mother I'll have 20 more years and I don't want them to be like my life is now. I don't know where I'll live, or how but if I don't begin the end of us now I'm scared I'll be in this hell forever.
It's 7.13am here. The phone consult is at 12.15
Elle
| Is He/She Gay » Should I confront my wife? » January 26, 2023 11:19 pm |
- HereInMpls2717
- Replies: 5
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Tyred, I'm so sorry you're going through this. If she's gay-in-denial or hiding her true sexuality, she's not likely to share that with you simply because you ask. There could be a lot of fear or shame for her. Shame is incredibly common for closeted LGBT people. Maybe she would lie, but honestly, she may not even know. That's a real possibility.
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There are a lot of other things that could be happening too. It's possible she has had some type of sexual or religious trauma in her past that has disconnected her from her body and she can't enjoy sex. She could be suffering from shame over sex if she was raised in purity culture or with other shame-based religious doctrines. Many people (men and women) are taught as children that sex is dirty, wrong, evil and will send them to Hell if they have sex before they're married, but then they can't escape that fear conditioning once they are married. Many are taught that being gay isn't possible, or that it's a ticket to Hell unless you fake being straight. Any of those misalignments between her body and mind could cause her extreme anxiety, discomfort, and pain that's real, not imagined. It can lead to disease, cancer, etc. I don't know your situation, just throwing out possibilities. What you're describing could be sexuality-based incompatibility or it could be something completely different. I think it could be worth asking. If you can be kind and trustworthy she may confide in you.
Whether she refuses to talk about it or address it or not, you have to figure out of it's a situation you can stay in. It doesn't sound like you're happy with things as they are and that would make a lot of sense. A normal marriage is a partnership where both participants support and love each other. You're supposed to be building a life together that brings both of you joy, safety, peace, etc. You both take care of yourselves and each other. If that isn't what's happening, you have to ask yourself if it's worth staying in a one-sided relatio