OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

January 23, 2023 2:39 pm  #1

Should I confront my wife?

I've been married for almost 20 years now and sexless the entire time (Lucky if we have sex 1 every 3 months), it took us 4 months to consummate our marriage if that gives you any idea. When she does agree it involves her lying there like a sacrificial lamb never touching me and generally looking disgusted like a child at the table being forced to eat something they don’t like. It has been very disheartening to say the least. For the longest time I’ve felt like I was the problem, maybe if I got in better shape, if I could only be a better husband things would change of course they never did. Along the way there have been moments when I wondered but just wasn’t in a place to except it I guess. 

About a month ago I came across an article on MOMs (Never even heard of the term before) the article was like reading about my marriage, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Since then I’ve been looking back at my marriage and seeing so many of the red flags, spread out over the years. Now I’m left wondering for my own sake if I should confront my wife and just ask her.

I love her and  find it hard to except that my marriage may be just an uncomfortable lie she has been living. Either way I go I plan on seek counseling as I realize after 20 years that whether she’s gay or not, the chances of her every having romantic feelings for me are a next to nothing and I need to figure out how to move forward. I’m sorry if this sounds like venting I’m just really confused and hurt.


January 23, 2023 4:13 pm  #2

Re: Should I confront my wife?

You can ask but be prepared for a lie.    The lie is, I think, even more hurtful as it will tell you the high opinion that she has of you..in my mind it could tell you all you need to know..that she has no problem lying to your face.
My GX if I look back it was infrequent but not nonexistent..no idea she was so unhappy but I was certainly always thinking it was me that was the problem when it was not.

Wishing you strength and fortitude.  Courage and self compassion..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

January 24, 2023 10:11 am  #3

Re: Should I confront my wife?

Hi tyred, no that doesn't sound like venting at all.

It's deeply shocking isn't it.

It was similar for me, wondered over the years at times, asked him a few times if he were gay for which I got a how could you ask me such a thing response and then I read something which helped me figure it out.  I got a counsellor and at her recommendation asked him if he were a bisexual.  well he was prepared to talk about that for two weeks.  after that he decided he was 100 pc straight and if I thought different I was mad.  We had been together for 37 years.

If I could do over again, I wouldn't have bothered with the conversations, they were traumatising in themselves.  However it is such a strong instinct to want to get answers from one's spouse.

My suggestion is to say nothing and just observe for a while.  She will be feeling the difference in you, watch how she reacts.

Over and over there are similarities in our stories here - being made to feel like you are the problem is one of them.  Now you know that's not true give yourself all the support you can.

wishing you all the best, Lily


January 25, 2023 7:08 am  #4

Re: Should I confront my wife?

Rob, Lily 
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers it helps to have a place to put my thought out there, since found this site I've started to do a lot more thinking about my relationship and I guess unintentionally pulled back from my wife, at least enough for her to notice something is off. As is usual she offered to "get together maybe next week" its kind of a joke really I've learned that "Next Week" and "Tomorrow" are just that Next week and tomorrow and will never be today. The thing is I really didn't care this time, I was dead emotionally, I had heard the line so many times I almost laughed and did a little bit. I starting to realize that gay or not she has no desire for me and never will, it sucks but I'm waking up to the waste of 20 years of my life. You are both right about not confronting her a she will just lie and or be offended which will start argument that I just do not feel I can have right now without saying something I will regret. My best option forward I think is to step back and continue with seeing a councilor to get my head straight and a plan in place to move on. Thank you both again for listening and responding it really meant a lot to me. : )

     Thread Starter

January 25, 2023 9:48 am  #5

Re: Should I confront my wife?

You've identified the crux of it: she is not, nor will be, sexually attracted to you, and her promises remain promises only.  And now that you've identified the crux of it, you are increasingly unwilling to live with the status quo.  Whether or not your wife is a lesbian in denial (or closeted), or admits or denies it if/when you ask, the fact remains that the situation in your marriage is not acceptable to you, and you have the right to act on your decision and exit the marriage.  


January 26, 2023 11:19 pm  #6

Re: Should I confront my wife?

Tyred, I'm so sorry you're going through this. If she's gay-in-denial or hiding her true sexuality, she's not likely to share that with you simply because you ask. There could be a lot of fear or shame for her. Shame is incredibly common for closeted LGBT people. Maybe she would lie, but honestly, she may not even know. That's a real possibility.

There are a lot of other things that could be happening too. It's possible she has had some type of sexual or religious trauma in her past that has disconnected her from her body and she can't enjoy sex. She could be suffering from shame over sex if she was raised in purity culture or with other shame-based religious doctrines. Many people (men and women) are taught as children that sex is dirty, wrong, evil and will send them to Hell if they have sex before they're married, but then they can't escape that fear conditioning once they are married. Many are taught that being gay isn't possible, or that it's a ticket to Hell unless you fake being straight. Any of those misalignments between her body and mind could cause her extreme anxiety, discomfort, and pain that's real, not imagined. It can lead to disease, cancer, etc. I don't know your situation, just throwing out possibilities. What you're describing could be sexuality-based incompatibility or it could be something completely different. I think it could be worth asking. If you can be kind and trustworthy she may confide in you. 

Whether she refuses to talk about it or address it or not, you have to figure out of it's a situation you can stay in. It doesn't sound like you're happy with things as they are and that would make a lot of sense. A normal marriage is a partnership where both participants support and love each other. You're supposed to be building a life together that brings both of you joy, safety, peace, etc. You both take care of yourselves and each other. If that isn't what's happening, you have to ask yourself if it's worth staying in a one-sided relationship that makes you miserable.

I didn't read your posts as venting at all. If you need to vent, that's okay too. I'm guessing we've all done it :D


Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (January 28, 2023 8:56 am)


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum