Elle, I am still attracted to him, he says he is to me as well...time will tell. I definitely have not lost my libido. I’m almost 42 and one of those women at this age who find their sexuality is actually increasing. That’s part of what is telling me that time is important here. I need to know EVERYTHING as soon as possible because knowledge is power and I need to have that knowledge to make the best choice moving forward. I think the answer to your question is more along the lines of being “sexually bound to him” as you put it. He’s really the only man I’ve ever been with! I know I could probably find someone else, and maybe the sex would be better...but I worry about the connection. I’m one of those people that needs to kind of fall in love before getting intimate. I’m trying sooo hard to figure out where he’s at in his brain so I know what I should do. We recently tried bringing his “fantasies” into the bedroom and it worked really well. He was very much into me after only 3 minutes of porn. He wanted to focus on me and all my lady parts and it gave us great hope moving forward! This I believe is possible because I do believe he’s bisexual rather than gay...if we separate I know he’ll be with other women (and men) in the future but probably mourn his loss of our love for a very long time. The bigger question is whether he can be monogamous or not. We are dealing with a family history of cheating in his side as well as the sexual orientation issues. We have counseling on Wednesday. I told him that I’m so angry about what he’s done and he really needs to think about the monogamy issue as our marriage depends on it. I will not do this forever and I will not be only half of someone’s everything...as hard as it would be to divorce, I know I’m young enough to still start over.

Tangled, I think he’s actually threatened when other men hit on me. Perhaps he knows that they might make me feel more like a woman or is worried he’s not e

Rob, this was the conversation I was trying to have with him last night. He was asked his ideal situation and that was his initial response but he asked me not to over analyze it because we hadn’t discussed it further in counseling. I was trying to pull out of him if he really wanted an open marriage and he said he didn’t think so. He said he hadn’t taken the time to really look at what he wants (I think it’s obvious too, he’s just taking a very slow path to admitting it to himself and me fully). He cried when she asked what he would do if it was determined that he couldn’t fully satisfy me in our marriage and we went our separate ways and told her “I don’t want that”.  Yet he enjoys this idea of having a side relationship which is the biggest smack in the face to me. It’s as though my heart and soul can see these huge red flags but his doesn’t. Or it doesn’t hurt him as much. I think he assumes that we will get through this no matter what because in the end he’ll do whatever it takes...he believes we are soul mates, meant to be etc... so then I find myself falling back into attachment and trust again till something like this happens.  Every time these truths come out I’m just wanting him to tear the bandaid off but it’s like he can’t or won’t mentally/emotionally for himself. It’s some sort of torture. At times I believe we might come to a solution but then I see the strength of his desires to be with a man and think “how is this ever going to work again?”. Never in a million years did I see us here...I figured we could weather any storm together. This one is more like an asteroid hitting the earth though.

Just here to try and get my feelings out. My husband and I are seeking couples counseling. We had a consultation the other day and today he had a one on one. Next week Wednesday we will have a joint session. I’m finding, after the month of January being full  on emotions/shock...that we are doing this up and down thing now. Or at least I am. Some days I feel hopeful that things will work out and others not so much. After hearing about his session today I’m feeling the not so much.

Maybe it’s a little thing but here’s what I can’t stop thinking about. When the counselor asked him what his ideal situation would be, he responded that he would be married to me but have an “intimate side relationship”. When she asked if he would be ok with us both being open, he responded “well I realize if I had side relationships then she should be able to as well”. When I asked if he would be ok with that he said no. So he is saying we need to talk to the counselor more because he wants to be able to say monogamy is what he wants but something is stopping him and he needs to explore that, discuss it in counseling.
So I’m actually just kind of pissed right now. While I appreciate him being honest, I am very much aware of a few things. First of all, I am not ok with an open relationship in marriage. Second of all, I’m pissed that he made these vows to me and now all of a sudden thinks we can discuss this, knowing very well I’m not ok with it. Obviously we need to discuss it seeing as we aren’t ready to just give up but I just want to leave right now. I want to leave this house and go somewhere else for awhile away from him. I can’t because we have kids that rely on me but what am I suppose to do here? Attach or detach? I mean isn’t marriage SUPPOSED to include attachment to eachother? Not only that, but he seemed relieved, happier and validated after the session. I know I know, that’s  how he should feel but why don’t I get to be mad and say fuck off

My goal with counseling is to get him to share his login info for all social media and unlock his phone for me. My concern moving forward is whether he continues the behavior or stops and opens up to me. I’ve already told him, one more online relationship or incident while traveling and I’m gone. My boundaries are clear...if he ever feels the need to be with a man he is to come to me so I can make a decision on what I want to do, which might result in divorce. I’ve thought that if his behavior is suspicious in the future I might have to hire a private detective. I have an iPhone and he has an Android. I would LOVE to have full access to everything he’s doing but I’m not familiar with android and I’m not technically savvy!!! I plan to watch our bank account like a hawk moving forward. He sent me screenshots of PayPal  and credit card accounts..I’m trying to figure out how to use his account numbers to access them!  I saw a screenshot of his phone that he accidentally took, I think he has a hidden  android email account. I love the tips but not sure they apply to android? I’ve got him on life 360 too but he has 2 phones and can only connect the app to his personal phone. I like this thread. Let’s be detectives!! In my opinion, once you e breeched the trust, you are to accept these new terms and conditions and understand the snooping until years of actions have earned the trust back.

- Epiphany

I’ve been thinking. We are all so anonymous here yet share the same stories. So similar sometimes I wonder if our gay/bi husbands and wives know each other from their secret online groups. I kind of wish we could have a straight spouse party just to vent and have fun. I’m going to disclose that I’m somewhere in the Midwest of America...snowy yet Summery. Think north woods. Anyone else from the Midwest of America?

- Epiphany