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February 1, 2021 9:04 pm  #1


New Here...I’m not alone!!!

There are actually people on this planet who are going through the same thing that I am?!  This forum, which I discovered 24 hours ago during one of my dozens (hundreds?) of Google searches, is already a gift to me. Even if NO ONE reads this post, I can actually put my experiences on “paper.”

Long story short: married 15 years, red flags overlooked, “everything is fine” mentality (by me). Two AMAZING daughters. Beautiful home, good jobs, amazing group of friends, supportive involved families. No affection, desire, sex or romance. None. I NEEDED MORE!  But how COULD I want more?!  We lived a perfect life.  I cheated on him to get what I so desperately needed.  He found out.

I vocalized my sadness and was told he would try harder. That lasted about 90 seconds. We were roommates. Siblings. I cried myself to sleep dozens of times - “what is wrong with me?  I’m too fat. Not pretty enough. Not a good enough mother, homemaker.” You name it.  I eventually had somewhat of a mental breakdown.  “Why don’t you like me?!”

March 4th, 2020 (no, the irony is not lost on me), he told me he is gay.  No less than 30
seconds later I told him that I am done. I will absolutely unequivocally not tolerate this
neglect for one more second. I deserve a partnership:  love, attention, respect, interest, sex. I was done. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I would NOT allow him to take one more minute away from me. I want a divorce and it is NOT up for discussion.

Fast forward 11 months...we are in divorce proceedings. We each have a lawyer. I signed over the deed on our home to him (with compensation). We share 50/50 custody with our daughters and I am renting a home in our small town. I struggle every. single. day. ...with self esteem, my value and overwhelming anger.  Some days are worse than others (hence, yesterday’s Google search). I am relieved there are people out there LIKE ME. That I can relate to. I’m not the only one.

I struggle with the mental part. “Does he KNOW what he did to me?!” “Does he have any idea the DAMAGE he has done?” Does he know how difficult a future relationship will be for me?!  Does he know the $7,000 dog he purchased 5 weeks after I moved out was perhaps the most audacious thing anyone has ever done to me?! (Aside from the aforementioned).

Even with the anger, I am an overall positive person so I feel myself turning a corner as I get closer to being divorced. I will be ok. My kids will be ok. Hell, maybe someday they’ll even see that I was strong?  I have goals. To own a home. To advance my education. I can’t go back so I need to just do my very best looking ahead.  And, wow. There are some people out there that just might get it.

So, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your candidness. Thank you for forging ahead because, as I can already see, that is what we do. We look ahead to better days.

 

February 1, 2021 9:31 pm  #2


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

Hey there MyWay....welcome to the Forum yip it's pretty damn cool when you find somewhere that "fits like the pair of shoes you love wearing" and know there are people who know what you deal with.

 ....the mental part. “Does he KNOW what he did to me?!” “Does he have any idea the DAMAGE he has done? 
He'll know, he just may not ever admit he knows and as hard as it may seem right now to not dwell on your almost ex..
after a while those thoughts will fade and you'll be able to say his name without cringing.
Hell...reading your story I wouldn't mind having your kind of determination in my corner

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 2, 2021 9:03 am  #3


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

Welcome to Straight Spouse and sorry you have to be here.  Yes, sadly, there are many of us in the same boat as you.  For every person who is posting and/or reading here, there are probably hundreds more out there.  

My story is similar to yours - married 10 years, had what I thought was a great marriage, money, a nice home, lots of friends.  We are older and thankfully have no children together.  Something was always "off" and I did not know what it was.  In 2018, he revealed that he had a secret female personality.  He immersed himself in the LGBTQ culture, including dressing up at drag queen shows, going to gay bars and vacation venues, and a new contingent of self-described Queer friends.  A triggering event (too personal to talk about) solidified my decision that our marriage could no longer continue.  He initially agreed and 24 hours later cried that his self-described "alternative lifestyle" was a mistake.  

We're divorced now.  Ironically, with COVID there is nowhere for him to go to celebrate his freedom and gay identity.  He emails me from time to time and tells me he misses our life together.  Note, he does not say he misses ME. 

You have every right to be angry.  I'm still mad as hell, even one year after moving out.  I don't think the gay partners/spouses realize how they totally decimate our lives, our self-esteem, our ability to trust.  I know I will get through this, but I will never get over it.  He wants to be friends but friends don't lie and deceive each other.  I will never be his friend. 

You are strong and brave to do what you did.  You will move on and find happiness without him.  Thank you for posting here.  I hope you return to read others' posts.  It was a great comfort to me when I first found this Forum in January of 2020. 

All the best. 

 

 

February 2, 2021 9:13 am  #4


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

None of this was your fault, nor should you have been expecting something like this. Sadly, some of us are (or were) only fashionable accessories to a pretend life played out by our spouses.

Keep focused on those goals! Your daughters are watching and I expect that one day they will tell you how proud they are of their mom.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 2, 2021 11:11 am  #5


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

I simply had to welcome you and say that you rock!

You sound like a strong person who rode the waves of impossibly awful news with grace. Your girls are fortunate to have you as their momma. Hoping for bright days and fun adventures ahead!

 

February 2, 2021 11:19 am  #6


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

Myway,

Yes we walk the planet.  I found, at least in my area, that not everyone is as broken or immoral as my GX.

Do they know what they did. I think they do...but they have somehow convinced themselves that it's ok.

Best to move on as you did ..you cannot fix a person with broken morality.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 2, 2021 1:37 pm  #7


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

Yes, it was a relief, and almost a shock, to find out there are people going through this.  I didn't think, in my generation anyway, that marrying a beard was still a thing.  It does seem I'm younger than many on here.  It was something I saw on the news, the older politician coming out, or in the movies.  It wasn't MY life.  Like you, I had that perfect marriage.  Married 14+ years, four amazing kids, a perfect marriage on paper.  Like you, I perhaps overlooked some red flags, and it wasn't until I came out of the fog of his disclosure that I realized they were always there--I had seen them as little things, issues that any marriage can face, but now I see them as little puzzle pieces that I just wasn't putting together to see the bigger picture. 

I think they know.  I don't think most of them will ever admit it, even to themselves.  Admitting they were wrong?  Admitting they built a family on lies and actively destroyed it with their lies and betrayal? Unfortunately, I think many feel justified in their actions.  I think that they've convinced themselves that what they did is "ok" because they "can't help it" or "have always felt this way" or "can finally be himself" or whatever excuse they've told themselves.  

You are strong, and I can only wish I had been that strong from the beginning. 

 

February 2, 2021 2:24 pm  #8


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

ThisTooShallPass wrote:

You are strong, and I can only wish I had been that strong from the beginning. 

And I should have left 8 years ago when, in an argument over him still emailing a female he said "if we won a million dollars....I'd give it all to you and leave!", or when, just before catching a flight back from Australia to NZ for a week, I saw he was chatting with men as I waited for my flight at the airport, or the many times when I couldn't get him to talk about 'us', or when he said one day "I'm a 50 year old man, I should be able to do what I like!"...or when I discovered, after 3 years back in NZ, that he was still contacting the same woman he'd been emailing when we were living in Australia.

You'd think it would all add up faster, in our heads, and for some it does (wish I was one!) but it hasn't happened that way. My change from a team of two...to discovery....to finding myself where I am today has been a painfully long drawn out process

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 2, 2021 3:56 pm  #9


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

You are not to blame, Ellexoh_nz.

Your willingness to believe in the goodness of your partner. Your kindness. Your desire to forgive and forget. Your hope for his ability to change. Your dedication to the commitment you made. Those are strengths.

He used them against you. He deceived you. It isn't a flaw that you were unguarded with the one you loved, it is a strength that you were able to be open in spite of his actions.

It is only now, through the hard work of acceptance and moving on does the clear pattern emerge. When I tell my story to others, regardless of the setting, there is a general air of "you're an idiot". But for me, living in the fog, believing their warm lies, trying to ride the waves, hoping that tomorrow would be better, and working as hard as I could to make that happen took all I had. Until I looked back at twenty years of madness and realized what I'd been through.

This is not your fault. You're a good person. You were proactively manipulated and abused.

We all were.

The problem is theirs alone.

 

February 2, 2021 5:37 pm  #10


Re: New Here...I’m not alone!!!

Welcome MyWay! If things go south in my marriage even more, I will be on the same exact path as you. I admire your strength and bravery. You having an affair is understandable in my opinion. I’ve wondered at times if I should do the same. An eye for an eye that say, and I’m not a vindictive person but the lack of desire and intimacy is too much to bear sometimes. You do you and your future will follow.

- Epiphany

 

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