Heart-

What you've endured... I'm so sorry. I don't know if you can receive this right now. It's so hard when you're in the middle of so much pain and abuse. I hope you can.

YOU matter. You are important. How you feel, what you want, what you need, what your hopes and dreams for your relationship were and are, who you are- YOU matter. You deserve better.

Whatever ideas you've been fed about being a Christian wife are likely false, mysogynistic and abusive. Whenever I see the words "Christian wife/husband/man/woman" or anything similar, it's usually accompanied by some form of spiritual control and abuse. 

I'm not saying that your husband doesn't matter. I'm telling you that YOU do. You don't sound like you believe that. I know I didn't for a long time. I stayed for 2 years. My LW had been the priority for so long, long before she came out, that I was barely even able to articulate my own desires anymore because they were so unimportant. A fact she criticized me for and used it as "evidence" for my need for therapy... yeah no shit, I needed therapy. I'd given up every preference and choice I'd had in service of her. I was a mess. My therapist worked through some childhood stuff with me, but for 18 months has focused on getting me through the next week, processing the abuse I'd endured the previous week, and trying to get me to see that I matter.

Example- my therapist asked me to visualize what it would be like to be with someone who not only loved me, but was eager, excited and happy to hear about and fulfill my needs in a relationship. To visualize a woman prioritizing making me happy. I sat there for a solid 5 minutes, eyes closed. I opened them and said I have no idea what that would be like. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be important enough to matter like that. 

One last thing. Others have suggested you taking some time to yourself to focus on yourself. That's a great idea. Its effectiveness can also be limited because you'll know you're goi

Elle,

Okay good! I'm don't think I'm exactly wary... you know what it is? I've had SO many conversations with my LW go horribly wrong. I've said things that have been twisted to mean something else and had 100 good things ignored to focus on the one thing I could have said differently, regardless of my stated intentions. Wow, I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I was stressed out that I'd offended you because of her. 

Firefly,

Thank you. My kids are supportive, but obviously I can't depend on them for that. As long as they know they have a home with me and that I love them and always will, that's what matters.

Now that people I know are finally hearing about it I've been getting more support. My MIL, both BILs and SIL have contacted me and supported me. I told one of my BILs that I'd gone on dating apps just to see what it would be like to have a straight woman express interest in me and that my LW lost her shit at me, accused me of cheating on her, etc. He lost it. Said there was nothing wrong with what I did and that she has no right to even have an opinion about what I do or don't do. It's a very grounding experience to hear someone you know tell you how badly they think you're getting screwed over. Of course, my mom and sister have also been very supportive. And I just remembered I have my in-person support group today! That's exciting.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

Elle- it sounds like your son loves you and wants to be there for you.,.....
I’m thinking about you, and everyone else here....

Thank you Mpls. I'm very aware of both the vulnerable pieces of a growing r'ship between two young people,..and my own vulnerability ending a 38 year one. If I wasn't as resilient as I am I'd be a mess right now but it appears I'll have to dig even deeper, be stronger.

And you're so right....nobody really knows how to address this situation with us. Give your BIL a hug from me.... I have a BIL whose wife came out early in their marriage and I know he'd be a good soundingboard but .... I can't/don't know when the best time to bring it up will be

E
 

I hope I didn’t overstep with what I said. I was thinking about when my parents got divorced (although my dad was awful and I fully supported my mom), and that my oldest daughter contacted her uncle for support with our divorce. If I did, or if what I wrote hurt you, please forgive me.

I moved into my new townhome today. It’s a mess but my 5 youngest kids helped me move and the 3 youngest wanted to stay the night. Everyone is excited and nervous which I guess is normal.

My LW stopped over for a while. When she left we hugged.I held onto her for 5 minutes. It was hard to let her go. 23 years… I still can’t believe that this is my life right now.

I talked to my brother-in-law for the first time since she came out to him a month ago. He apologized for not calling before, said all my in-laws count me as family and have my back. He said the fact that I’ve stayed through this for 2 years shows how much I love her (and accused me of being a saint, lol). He said everyone knows how much I’ve loved her, that’s it’s completely obvious. That might have been the best conversation I’ve had in years. I don’t feel crazy anymore.

Tonight I’m going to be okay with the fact that I still love her. I probably always will. I miss her so much. I’ve missed her for years now and I’m so sad. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to be okay with things being over.

A while back I recommended a book to someone but I mentioned the wrong title. The book is "Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. It goes through 19 steps of processing through the loss and healing. It's helping me direct my energy and thoughts and find ways to productively deal with my situation.