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March 2, 2023 1:43 pm  #11

Re: When do things get better?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

....Elle: Perhaps any arrangement you make with your son and his girlfriend to move in with them could come with an end date-.....

My son did talk about. He did mention a year I woke up thinking about it this morning, bawled my eyes out for the first time in a while.
But talking with the Forum (I logged on as soon as I sat down with my breakfast) has cleared my mind and I'm breathing deeply
Thank you

KIA KAHA                       

March 2, 2023 4:44 pm  #12

Re: When do things get better?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

Elle- it sounds like your son loves you and wants to be there for you.,.....
I’m thinking about you, and everyone else here....

Thank you Mpls. I'm very aware of both the vulnerable pieces of a growing r'ship between two young people,..and my own vulnerability ending a 38 year one. If I wasn't as resilient as I am I'd be a mess right now but it appears I'll have to dig even deeper, be stronger.

And you're so right....nobody really knows how to address this situation with us. Give your BIL a hug from me.... I have a BIL whose wife came out early in their marriage and I know he'd be a good soundingboard but .... I can't/don't know when the best time to bring it up will be


I hope I didn’t overstep with what I said. I was thinking about when my parents got divorced (although my dad was awful and I fully supported my mom), and that my oldest daughter contacted her uncle for support with our divorce. If I did, or if what I wrote hurt you, please forgive me.

     Thread Starter

March 2, 2023 5:14 pm  #13

Re: When do things get better?

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I hope I didn’t overstep with what I said. .

There was no overstepping. This process we're both going through is filled with everybody in our circles either not knowing what to say to us or not knowing who to approach to talk about it with. And even forum members are wary lol

I saw no overstepping


KIA KAHA                       

March 2, 2023 11:18 pm  #14

Re: When do things get better?

Elle and Mpls,
I am thinking about both of you.  I know this is all so hard and deeply unfair.  It seems you have the support of your kids, and I am glad for you.


March 4, 2023 10:43 am  #15

Re: When do things get better?


Okay good! I'm don't think I'm exactly wary... you know what it is? I've had SO many conversations with my LW go horribly wrong. I've said things that have been twisted to mean something else and had 100 good things ignored to focus on the one thing I could have said differently, regardless of my stated intentions. Wow, I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I was stressed out that I'd offended you because of her. 


Thank you. My kids are supportive, but obviously I can't depend on them for that. As long as they know they have a home with me and that I love them and always will, that's what matters.

Now that people I know are finally hearing about it I've been getting more support. My MIL, both BILs and SIL have contacted me and supported me. I told one of my BILs that I'd gone on dating apps just to see what it would be like to have a straight woman express interest in me and that my LW lost her shit at me, accused me of cheating on her, etc. He lost it. Said there was nothing wrong with what I did and that she has no right to even have an opinion about what I do or don't do. It's a very grounding experience to hear someone you know tell you how badly they think you're getting screwed over. Of course, my mom and sister have also been very supportive. And I just remembered I have my in-person support group today! That's exciting.

     Thread Starter

March 7, 2023 3:24 pm  #16

Re: When do things get better?

Mpls  - I'm glad you are getting support from In-laws! It helps when people realize that right and wrong still exist, regardless of the relationship. 


March 9, 2023 12:55 am  #17

Re: When do things get better?


If you just listen to your spouse you'll start to think that your reactions and how you feel about the situation doesn't make sense. I've now had 5-6 people tell me that however I react, it's normal. That they have no idea how I've been a functional human being while going through this alone, without being allowed to talk about it. They can't imagine what I'm going through and it sounds like the hardest thing a person could deal with. That I must be more patient than they thought and they already thought I was the most patient person they knew.

My LW has blamed me for a lot. She's said and believed that I'm the problem in our marriage. That I'm an angry person and she's just tried her best. The thing is, people who actually know me know that's not true. Now that I'm not under constant stress I'm seeing how much I've been gaslighted and blamed. I'm seeing how intensely unhealthy the marriage was and how my boundaries, opinions, values, thoughts and contributions were completely devalued and the effects that's had on me for 20 years. I have told a few people about different aspects of what I've dealt with and they've told me I've been in an abusive relationship.

All I know is that I can actually breathe now.

     Thread Starter

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