OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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| General Discussion » Why Do Gay Men Remarry Women? » May 24, 2021 10:27 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 8
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MJM017 wrote:Fraud: An annulment on grounds of fraud can only be filed by the person who was deceived.
This should definitely be an option in every state. It's infuriating to read stories of people who were deceived by their spouses...then were penalized BIG TIME for ending the marriage. It's not fair at all.
| General Discussion » Can we make SSN more hospitable to people on varying paths? » May 20, 2021 5:42 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 81
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Yes, this is the first place people come across when they discover or (or strongly suspect, in some cases) they’re a straight spouse. There’s no playbook for this. Most of us arrive here as completely shocked (sometimes traumatized) shells of ourselves. I really appreciate that this is a place where I can be completely vulnerable and know that others (who have also unexpectedly found themselves here) understand exactly what I’m feeling—and caution me on things to look out for…and are looking out for me. While there are many differences in our stories—there are lots of similarities, too…and understanding patterns is incredibly important.
While I’m in a MOM, I don’t feel comfortable encouraging others to make a MOM work…As someone here once wisely pointed out, we don’t know the levels of abuse/ trauma / gaslighting people are enduring.
I’m rambling now…and have completely forgotten the point I was trying to make (typical!)…But, I just want to say thank you to everyone here who shares their stories (which I know isn’t easy!), validates others’ feelings, and makes us all feel less alone.
| Strategies for MOM's » New to this » May 19, 2021 5:39 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 6
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Treelovingvegan wrote:
Can MOM work if the spouse is in denial or still fighting/suppressing their urges? Or does everything have to be on the table & both people work through it?
I think you probably already know the answer to this...but this is really unhealthy. Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship. Dishonesty will slowly erode any relationship. Many here didn't find out their spouse wasn't straight until they discovered evidence of cheating or their spouse wanted a special pass to have sex with other people....sometimes years or decades into the relationship.
The more important questions are: Is this the kind of relationship you want? Is it fulfilling to you?(both sexually and emotionally) Do you feel loved and secure?
| Support » HOCD » May 8, 2021 11:11 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 7
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I’ve seen this term pop up before on Reddit...typically with younger men who identify as bisexual but become obsessed with the idea that they may actually be gay.
Either way...I’d definitely put having kids on hold 😬...Sounds like a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
| Support » The beginning of the end » May 7, 2021 10:33 am |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 10
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I'm so sorry you're hurting.I agree with what others have said. The switch & confusion are a result of you being kept out of the loop. I suspect if you explored your spouse's devices, you'd find a more complete story.
Continuing to live together only benefits him. It will destroy you, confuse your child....and inhibit your ability to move on. What MJM cautioned above: "He’s going to turn into your adolescent gay son if you allow him to stay now" is something that many here have experienced. Sean (in the "A gay ex-husband answers your questions") has talked a lot about his gay adolescence following disclosure. It's often a period of immense selfishness and reckless behavior. I think you will both have a better shot at remaining friendly co-parents if you do not live together....and you will be able to actually start the healing process and find the love you deserve.
| General Discussion » On handling a marriage breakdown in lockdown » April 29, 2021 2:52 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 6
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OutofHisCloset wrote:
Dear Rosie,
I want you to be able to live the life YOU were denied while you were married to him100% this, Rosie. You deserve the life and love YOU were denied while you were married to him.
| Support » Feeling lost » April 8, 2021 5:50 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 8
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God, I hate how similar these stories are. The rollercoaster of emotions you're experiencing is grief. It's excruciating now..but it will get better. Do you have someone you can talk to?
| General Discussion » "What they don't know will hurt them" » April 7, 2021 2:48 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 3
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I believe someone must have posted this article at some point (because I have it bookmarked). Minwalla (as many here have discovered) is such a great resource for straight spouses. He really captures the damage the closet causes—for both spouses—even though he doesn't (to my knowledge) write explicitly about the straight spouse experience.
Thought I'd re-share:
| Support » It just gets more difficult and confusing » April 7, 2021 8:56 am |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 32
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That sounds really awful, but I'm happy to see you are making your needs a priority and taking a step back from what is really your husband's "stuff."
It's OK to go at the pace that feels right to you...It's also OK to draw a line in the sand. What you are going through....marriage should never be this complicated or painful. I also used meditation to calm the "fight-or-flight" response. Michael Sealey's soothing voice (and lovely Australian accent!) helped me fall asleep. I recommend meditation to anyone who needs a little help quieting their mind.
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 2, 2021 5:45 pm |
- Julian_Stone
- Replies: 2507
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"Sadly, most straight spouses never hear "''m gay' from their closeted husbands. Tragically, some straight wives spend decades trying to coax the truth out emotionally damaged husbands...to no avail."
This does seem to be overwhelmingly true. *Many* only discover the truth through snooping...or "digital discovery" as a fellow straight spouse put it. No one likes doing it...no one wants to have to do it...but sometimes it's necessary.
If you decide to go that route again and have access to his phone/devices/app download history, you can do a global search for Kik, Grindr, Scruff, Jackd...Reddit is another big one. I'm sure there are many, many more...but those are the big ones. It may save you loads of time (and additional confusion).
I'm so sorry you're going through this.