OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



May 6, 2021 9:32 pm  #1


The beginning of the end

Eight months ago when my husband first told me about his attraction to men, I was completely taken by surprise, and thought it was the end of our marriage. Never in the 13 years we had been together did I suspect anything was wrong. According to my husband, this attraction was something always like a nagging thought in the back of his head, but he never really took the time to sort it out.
Two years ago, with the sudden death of his mother, things were not quite as great between us, not as close as I wanted us to be.  I assumed it had to do with the stress of his loss. It turns out, it was around this time when he finally started thinking about his attraction to men.
Ironically, when he told me he thought maybe he was bisexual, our relationship improved since we were doing a better job at communicating. Even our sex life was better than before. Only a month later, he told me he was almost certain that he was gay
Things were still great for another couple of months, and then we hit another rough patch. His sex drive almost completely disappeared. For the last month or so, we found our grove again. I was very hopeful that we could make this work. Then he went on vacation alone for a week, and when he came back, he told me he had decided that in order for him to be happy, he needs to live his life as gay. He would like at some point meet a man with whom to have a physical and emotional relationship. He says he loves me, and would like to possibly stay in the same house, and keep raising our child together.
It is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone.
It's only been 3 days since he's been back. I know it's probably not healthy for me that we are in the same house. It would make life easier if we could do it, especially when it comes to our child. There is no animosity between us.
I am hearbroken and sad beyond words. It is so difficult to not cry over every little thing.

Last edited by onceuponatime (May 6, 2021 9:40 pm)

 

May 6, 2021 10:09 pm  #2


Re: The beginning of the end

onceuponatime,

Am so sorry this happened.  I would urge you to read through the first post of the First Aid Kit thread for help.  This is a traumatic experience for you and your son. Do you have anyone - a friend, a therapist, family members, a religious counselor- you can talk to for support? It can make a world of difference to have a trusted person by your side.

My ex-husband never left the closet, but used me against my knowledge as his beard. I assume it was to appease his conservative parent, among other reasons.

The timing of your husband’s coming out coincides with the passing of his mom. I could be wrong and am sorry for mentioning this. I have a hunch he feared losing her love and/or inheritance if he came out as gay. He may have a relationship with another gay man set up & wants to be in the open. It may explain why it’s happening now.

Do you want to continue being with him in the same home while he is out with another man?   Do you do most of the cooking & household chores? He may love the free room, board and housekeeping services more than you.

I would suggest to ask him to move out while you decide on next steps you need to keep yourself and your son healthy and happy.  Your straight husband is gone. He’s going to turn into your adolescent gay son if you allow him to stay now.

Keep posting as often as you need during this difficult time.

Best,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 7, 2021 1:42 am  #3


Re: The beginning of the end

My comments in red 

onceuponatime wrote:

......... It turns out, it was around this time when he finally started thinking about his attraction to men......I think he might be telling you only part of the truth, and doesn't want to admit it all.Then he went on vacation alone for a week, and when he came back, he told me he had decided that in order for him to be happy, he needs to live his life as gay...I don't believe he took a week away alone then decided this  He would like at some point meet a man with whom to have a physical and emotional relationship. He says he loves me, and would like to possibly stay in the same house, and keep raising our child together.Yes yes...he says that in the most selfish way. Doesn't sound as if he even realises what this means for you. What do you want? Are you ready to share him? Living with you and having a physical & emotional r'ship with a man? Because he wants his cake, then he wants more cake from somebody else.
It is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone. He may just finally have decided to let you in on it
It's only been 3 days since he's been back. I know it's probably not healthy for me that we are in the same house. It would make life easier if we could do it, especially when it comes to our child. There is no animosity between us.
I am hearbroken and sad beyond words. It is so difficult to not cry over every little thing.

We're all here to help you through this

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 7, 2021 5:43 am  #4


Re: The beginning of the end

I am interested in reading the First Aid Kit thread, but can´t find it. Can anyone  tell me how to get to it please?

 

May 7, 2021 7:59 am  #5


Re: The beginning of the end

Ounce,

"..is very difficult for me to understand how in a matter of a week, he could go from being a loving husband, wanting to kiss and hug me, and enjoy sex with me, to this person who is okay just being friends. It's almost as he turned a switch off, and all the affection he had for me is gone...."

I think this affected me more than the gay.   My GX like a light switch went from a loving wife to a cold unfriendly roommate. Of course she was getting her affection and emotional support from her girlfriend.  But the coldness of it reminded of grade school where a friend would suddenly decide they were not your friend anymore and preferred the more fun kids..  but those friends were not friends for decades.  And I would argue even after were still nicer to me than my GX was..

I dont know how they turn and hurt us like this but they do. After years I  concluded these spouses simply have a "broken moral core".  We could not do this to a spouse..like a light switch withdraw all affection, attention,  friendship ..directly hurt them. Best case we would have to do it gradually and with good reason such as they hurt us. 

This is what separates us from them..I thought about it a lot and it's not straight vs gay.  The hurt you feel is the morality of a trusted friend and spouse hurting you..  it is not right on so many more levels besides gay and straight.. 

Build your support system..know that you are so much more than the rejection he is hurting you with.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 7, 2021 9:56 am  #6


Re: The beginning of the end

The "flipped switch" is the sign of the discard.  In that unhappy period of your marriage before his mother died, he was chafing under the cognitive dissonance of living one life while longing for another, and displacing his angst onto you and the marriage.  When his mother died, that motivated him to think about his own mortality, and what he wanted out of life but was suppressing.  When he made that decision, the die was cast.  That period when he said he was bi was happy because he had spoken honestly about his desires, even if he was hedging; for you, I'm betting, it might have felt like it did to me: Oh, good, he's being honest and now we can have a better marriage in which my spouse feels like he can be himself.  Unfortunately, what it really meant was that he had taken the first step on the road to a completely different life.

 

May 7, 2021 10:33 am  #7


Re: The beginning of the end

I'm so sorry you're hurting.I agree with what others have said. The switch & confusion are a result of you being kept out of the loop. I suspect if you explored your spouse's devices, you'd find a more complete story. 

Continuing to live together only benefits him. It will destroy you, confuse your child....and inhibit your ability to move on. What MJM cautioned above: "He’s going to turn into your adolescent gay son if you allow him to stay now" is something that many here have experienced. Sean (in the "A gay ex-husband answers your questions") has talked a lot about his gay adolescence following disclosure. It's often a period of immense selfishness and reckless behavior. I think you will both have a better shot at remaining friendly co-parents if you do not live together....and you will be able to actually start the healing process and find the love you deserve. 

 

May 7, 2021 3:50 pm  #8


Re: The beginning of the end

I guess I still didn't want to believe things were over between us. I asked my husband if he would still feel the need to be with a man even if for some reason he couldn't have sex, and the answer was yes. He feels there is an emotional connection that he's missing on by not being in a relationship with a man. He also said there is no physical attraction left at all for me. It doesn't bother him at all to sleep on the same bed with me. He understands how hard it is for me to carry on as if nothing has changed.
I have asked him to move out.

     Thread Starter
 

May 7, 2021 4:38 pm  #9


Re: The beginning of the end

I'm so so sorry oneuponatime. Your story mirrors mine in many ways, so I completely understand your pain.

After my husband admitted to being gay and wanting a divorce (he very briefly labeled himself as bi) we stayed in the same home, in separate bedrooms, for several months and it was torture.

Once I moved out I think the real healing could begin, so I'm glad you've asked him to leave. That physical distance will be good for your mental health and healing.

I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but just know that we're all here to listen and we're rooting for you. None of this is your fault and you deserve to be loved and happy.

I've been living apart from my GEX since October of last year and I feel better and stronger with each day that passes. Am I healed? Not even close. But it does get better. Sending BIG hugs.

 

May 7, 2021 7:03 pm  #10


Re: The beginning of the end

It’s so quick and unexpected.  Again, am really sorry. It takes time to come to terms with and heal from the shock.

My late GIDXH was never attracted to me.  A few times waiters or strangers would try to pick me up or ask me out for a drink when I was out with my XH.  I thought it really weird at the time. In hindsight they must have sensed he was gay, or assumed we were platonic friends.

It’s been a few years since the divorce (I filed. He didn’t want it.) and his passing. It’s not as painful as before. I’m much better and getting on with life pretty well.  Still he was my husband, and I loved him completely.  There’s no words for when you know he’s not reciprocating.

Again, post as you need to. It helps me to read the older posts to understand this phenomenon on a deeper level. It may help you too.

Take good care of yourself.

Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum