OOHC,
So so true that nothing excuses the behavior of our ex-spouses, be it shame or childhood wounding or whatever. I am done with worrying about his wounds because he inflicted so many new ones onto me. The big difference is I used to care about his hurt but he has shown no sign of caring about mine. I feel like we all have been so profoundly betrayed by the one person in the world who promised to cherish us forever. At the very least they should have had our backs protected instead of slipping a knife in. I still have to remind myself of how different he is in reality than the golden image I made of him in my mind. I am finally happy that I am done with my marriage. My life is better without him. For those of us who were in very long-term marriages I think we share much in common. Thanks for reading all of my posts. I am grateful for the people on this board who communicate with such honesty. Isn’t that the thing we all appreciate so much after being starved of it for so long?

Lily,
How ironic yours told you not to burst HIS bubble. Omg. So revealing when you look at back and think of their reactions in the new reality we are living. The lack of affection also permeated my life in the final years of my marriage. Your friend noticed it in your relationship and my teenage son noticed it in mine. How sad that on a fun family carriage ride years ago he took his Dad’s arm and placed it around my shoulders because he knew that was what I needed and wasn’t getting. If my ex had any self-awareness he should have hung his head in shame then and there. I was trying everything to keep my family “happy” and he was fine to let me live on the edge of minimum physical contact because he had morphed into someone who was never “touchy/feely”. Really?  I remember when he was touchy feely but he was trying to gaslight me into questioning my own memory. I don’t know if he does feel actual shame or pleasure from how he treated me. I agree that we as the spouses end up having to deal with the shame that is dumped into our lives. I was surrounded by the shame of his horrible childhood, his ongoing alcohol addiction, his terrible secrets, none of which were my own. I brought him  love and loyalty, compassion, appreciation, forgiveness and caring. I am gradually shaking off the gift of shame he gave me. Hugs to you and me. We deserve them!

Thank you all for your insightful responses. On some level my POS GID ex H and I were a perfect match because we wanted many of the same things but for VERY different reasons. He didn’t choose me because I was weak or easily victimized. He chose me to elevate himself. I brought all of my personal strengths to my marriage and made his life so much better. I adapted myself to lift him up. Isn’t that what a lifelong bond is supposed to be about?  The good things I saw him doing that I believed were also for US were actually not for us but for him. He had many qualities that made him look like a great husband. I was so love-bonded to him that my physiological response to him was that of feeling safe and secure. If he had been mean and cruel to my face it would have been easier to accept what I now know he did behind my back. That is where the dissonance is so drastic. I could not reconcile the two very different realities until I read about the behavior of Covert Narcissists. I don’t want to spend more of my precious time analyzing  HIM but somehow it has helped me to get some kind of resolution to my dissonance by thinking about him on that behavioral spectrum. It is also very validating to come here and say can you believe this?  How can this be?

Count,
It sounds to me like you are handling a terrible situation as well as anyone could. You sound strong. You are young with so much life ahead of you. It is hard to wrap your mind around the level of betrayal our spouses have shown us. I still struggle with that and I am 16 months post discovery of TGT and six weeks post my husband of 32 years moving out. I love your forum name. Actually that is my favorite fiction book. The story of ultimate betrayal but the Count prevails in the end. He is full of righteous wrath and rightly so. But in the end, he has justice.

Wishing the best for you in your research and sending good thoughts your way. It is very ironic you had a prenup. So if he signed that maybe you can get a postnup signed now as a sign of his good intentions. Get him to put a signature on his promises. Not the ones he wants to make but the ones that will help you feel financially more protected.