Lily,
How ironic yours told you not to burst HIS bubble. Omg. So revealing when you look at back and think of their reactions in the new reality we are living. The lack of affection also permeated my life in the final years of my marriage. Your friend noticed it in your relationship and my teenage son noticed it in mine. How sad that on a fun family carriage ride years ago he took his Dad’s arm and placed it around my shoulders because he knew that was what I needed and wasn’t getting. If my ex had any self-awareness he should have hung his head in shame then and there. I was trying everything to keep my family “happy” and he was fine to let me live on the edge of minimum physical contact because he had morphed into someone who was never “touchy/feely”. Really?  I remember when he was touchy feely but he was trying to gaslight me into questioning my own memory. I don’t know if he does feel actual shame or pleasure from how he treated me. I agree that we as the spouses end up having to deal with the shame that is dumped into our lives. I was surrounded by the shame of his horrible childhood, his ongoing alcohol addiction, his terrible secrets, none of which were my own. I brought him  love and loyalty, compassion, appreciation, forgiveness and caring. I am gradually shaking off the gift of shame he gave me. Hugs to you and me. We deserve them!

Lynne,
You make such a profound point about the NPD being the primary truth. If it were otherwise, we would have had a very different experience upon the discovery of their other so-called truth. They would not have hidden IT for years or lied about it or gaslighted us or all of those utterly self-centered, sickening ways they chose to share it or hide it or run around getting all of their own needs met primarily while inflicting massive pain and betrayal on the people that loved them. If a non-NPD had a sudden or even a not so sudden epiphany about their sexuality they would not communicate it to their spouse in such creepy, cruel or completely non-communicative ways.

It is so true what we wanted was honesty.  And although I never knew about his sexuality issues, I did question his honesty!  He was a very good liar. He had a lifetime of experience at lying & deceiving people. Looking back on all those years, it’s a terrible way to live in a relationship (if you can even call it a relationship).  And my GX did need all kinds of validation from anyone he could get it ( how good he looked, how he dressed, how good he cooked, how good of a husband he was (ha!), how good of a father he was (ha!), how prominent he was in the community, etc.) and the list could go on & on.  The truth is, what kind of spouse or father could or would do these things?  I think we all know what kind of person it takes to carry out the lies & behaviors we have had to find out we unknowingly endured!  My GX took much joy in the end knowing he put these lies over on me & deceived me. I think he felt like he was controlling something by doing this.  And his life seems so out of control in every other aspect that I think he got a sort of high by being able to deceive me.

And yes, I think he underestimated me when this came out by thinking at this point in our lives I would not divorce him.  He was so wrong about that.  I thank God every day I am divorced from him!  I feel lucky to only be connected now by the horrible memories I have about him and our life together as he spirals out of control in all areas of his life!!!

Peace