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Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 6:48 pm)

You are making progress. I believe you will feel better after meeting with an attorney. Just because he wants to know where you are going it doesn't follow that you are obligated to tell him.  You can meet with as many attorneys as you like!  Get another appointment. You don't have to tell him in advance. Just say you are running errands or you feel sick or whatever. Think of a reward for yourself after you get the appointment. Then another reward after you go. It is not easy. You can do it. If you can run a business you can do it. Go for it!  We are rooting for you.

Turn this around - HE has been caught sleeping with men.  And YOU are afraid that he'll find out you know?  Now,.... I'm not questioning why you feel this way - I get it.  But you need to question yourSELF as to why you feel this way.  There is almost always fear behind feeling apprehensive.  So.... NAME the fear.  What,.... EXACTLY..... are you afraid of?  Make a list. Then write down the ways you can counter them.  It may look something like this:

1.  I'm afraid that if he figures out where I'm going, he'll figure out why I'm mad.

SO????  He's the one doing shit wrong here - WAY wrong.  YOU don't need to fear having found the info - no matter how you found it.  HE should be scared of why you're angry, knowing what he's been doing.  Let him f'ing sweat.

2.  I'm afraid that if he figures out what I know, he'll take down all his cheating crap, and then I'll look crazy.

Yeah - NO.  You already have all the proof you need.  And you PRINTED it.  Even if you hadn't, and he was trying to use the current lack of proof that he didn't actually do anything wrong, YOU know better.  This isn't an inaccurate GUESS.  You know what you know.  You don't need to prove to him or anyone else (even though you can) that you know he's gay.  You're done.  You don't need his buy-in (or anyone else's) for that.  Repeat that 5 times right now: "I don't need his buy-in to end this relationship."  My ex tried that on me, too - "I don't believe in divorce."  Yeah? Well Iiiiii do, buddy.  And you will too, soon enough.  Because I'M DIVORCING YOU.

3.  I'm afraid that once he knows that I know, and he figures out that divorce is inevitable, he'll get mean.

Okay,. well..... he's GOING to find out at SOME point if you're eventually going to divorce, right?  It happens when it happens.  You'll never be truly ready for it.  The best you can do is to start the discovery process and start the legal stuff.  The more prepared you are there, the more you'll be safeguarded from his anger with regards to monetary things.  Nothing will protect you from the personality stuff that may or may not come.  But the bigger of an asshole he becomes, the more you'll be convinced that you're doing the right thing.  So it's still useful.

4.  I'm afraid that once he knows I'm divorcing him, he'll start making me look bad to others.

Okay, let him try.  People have a way of seeing through bullshit eventually.  AND you have proof.  Go put that in a bank security box or something, because he will try to find it once he knows it exists.

PLEASE start looking at this from the viewpoint of YOU holding all the cards.  My current husband was super useful in getting me to see that truth in my own divorce from my gay ex.  I never liked to play games - I JUST wanted to be kind and decent, no matter how the other person (in this case, my ex) was behaving to me.  I was afraid that if I wasn't the person I'd always been, that I'd get less than I'd always gotten before.  It got to the point where I'd stopped asking - because it was futile.  For child support, for him to take them on his weekends, etc.  My current husband was like, "Hon.  YOU are holding all the cards.  You have all the facts, and you've kept track of everything.  Take it all to court. You can't LOSE anything - you only stand to gain.  Just stop being the nice guy, because you need that money for your KIDS.  FIGHT for your KIDS."  And I did.  And I won.  And I know who holds the cards now.  The last time my ex wanted to go back to what was in the parenting agreement (after years of him driving the kids both ways, he suddenly wanted me to pick them up when he had them - which is next to never now).  He said, "It's in the parenting agreement."  I said, "FINE. When that parenting agreement was written 6 years ago, you were living 3 blocks away and you were supposed to be helping me with the kids.  I get ZERO help from you with doctor's appointments, school activities, running the to friends, etc.  I am in the car HOURS per week and I never ask you for help because you live 45 minutes away and always tell me you can't help.  So..... if you want to go by the parenting agreement, then I'm taking you back to court so we can get that agreement changed.  Ain't a judge in the world gonna not agree with me when I present him with months' worth of tracking on how long I've been in the car with these kids.  AND,.... while we're there..... I'll make sure to get the support monies looked at - so I know if your CURRENT paycheck is what we're getting the percentage of.  And I'll throw in the most recent insurance charges for the kids - which ALWAYS go up every January.  If this issue is THAT important to you, then by all means, keep pushing.  If not, then I'll see you in court, where you'll lose even more than just this.  Think about it.

KNOW YOUR POWER.  He's gotten you to buy into behaving how HE wants you to.  Can you even imagine if YOU'd cheated and HE found out?  Do you think he'd be afraid of YOU knowing that he found out your dirty little secret?  NO!  So why should you be afraid of him???

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  - Eleanor Roosevelt

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (March 1, 2018 12:35 pm)

Roo is having such issues getting out because she and her husband work together.  So when she leaves, it has to be something that she can "proove".  And it has to be office leavable - she can't just leave for a haircut - even if she did come back with her hair cut; it's not something you'd leave work for.  Something that would work with a regular other colleague - like saying you had a dental appointment - wouldn't work here, because he'd know to drive by the dentist looking for her.  Or to check the insurance claims to see if she actually DID go in.  You get the picture - she needs a plausible excuse that's ironclad - which has been difficult to come up with.

If you're like me, Roo, you tell your husband where you're going all the time.  Not because you HAVE to, but because you wanted to.  Keep in mind though that a person who's angry with their partner (as he knows you are) is not going to be sharing much after whatever they've done, if they tell them much about where they're going in the first place.  So if you tell him you're going to the dentist and he asks afterwards about how it went, "Fine" is an appropriate answer.  You USED to say, "It went well - no cavities.  GOD the dental hygenist tore my gums up!, etc.)  This time, it's "Fine".  If you really do wind up going through with the divorce, you will need to start building space between the two of you anyway.  No time like the present.  Even if you change your mind about separating, letting him know you're angry with him when you truly are isn't a bad thing.  I find it difficult to act differently toward someone when I'm angry at them - it takes a lot of my energy, and I just want to blurt out "Because X!"  Seems like the adult thing to do.  However,..... there are PLENTY of people who sulk around for days/weeks, saying everything's "fine", when it's clearly not.  Be one of those people for a change.  It doesn't mean you're going to STAY that person - you're just playing a different role because the circumstances dictate that right now.  HE is being an entirely different person than you thought he was (he just thinks he's hiding it), so turnabout's fair play, right?  Be the wife who stops being specific for a change.  Just tell him you're leaving (or don't - your choice), and when he asks where you're going, just say, "Out".  Or "I've got errands to run."  Will it feel strange? SURE!  But you know what's happening.  HE has no idea what's just happened.  Unless he is figuring out that you are not a shrinking violet, and starts getting scared of what the hell is going on.  Wouldn't THAT feel nice for a change?  To have HIM all befuddled and panicked?

Kel