Hi all,
Oh my gosh!  I am overwhelmed by your encouragement, advice, and support.  I need to read through them again.  and again.  and again. 

I relate with all of your stories, pain, and thoughts.  It is so hard to see the other side of this, and my thoughts at night are the hardest to keep from spinning out of control.  How do I make sense of over 20 years together?  You are all right; these conversations with him are not helpful.

The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror, and my first thought was, "hey! I am not ugly."

I am not ugly. 

There is something so wrong in a marriage when one partner is treated in such a way that they believe they are ugly.

I didn't realize that this is what I subconsciously believed about myself.  So much healing needs to be done.

I am afraid of the journey ahead of me, but I feel so much better knowing that I have support and understanding here.  Thank you.
 

I try to have conversations with my GH.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I expect him to take any responsibility? Now I am being accused of failing him because I didn't ask him about his orientation in our marriage.

So let me get this straight.....our marriage is ending because of me?  Because I didn't guess he wasn't straight? How does that even make sense?  I am not the one wanting to leave.  I am not the one who quit giving affection, quit saying "I love you", or withheld sex. 

He also has stayed married because he didn't want to hurt me.  So, having kids and making our lives extremely complicated  (AND NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH) was all so I wouldn't get hurt.  In other words, since I would be upset if he left, it was my fault he stayed.  Or, so the crazy logic goes.

In more crazy logic, his orientation gives him the right to leave our marriage, but my hurt and devastation would not afford me the right to leave the friendship if we divorce.  ie: His pain matters more and gives him the permission to blow everything to bits, but my pain is selfish and self-serving. WTH?  How can he even think these things?  Any time I try to communicate my pain, I get hit with these doozies.

I am willing to admit my faults and errors - I am certainly not perfect.  But, damn it!  I am a good partner.  I loved and gave and was real. I am willing to change and grow.  But I will not accept the blame for the end of a marriage when I wasn't told the truth from the beginning. Nor will I play happy family so that he doesn't have to face himself and what he was willing to do to our family.

I think I need off this crazy train.  But, the pain is so deep and intense.  I want to throw up most of the time. I feel paralyzed when I think about our kids. I HATE, HATE, HATE causing them pain.  They didn't ask for this.  They sure as hell won't be expecting this.

I am trying to get unstuck.  I hate this.
 

You are strong and amazing.  I am thinking about you today.

Anon, I am so sorry for the hurt and vitriol that has been heaped upon you. Since we are caring and self-reflective people, any accusation to the contrary makes us think there is something wrong with us. Of course we are not perfect, but there is nothing you did to warrant this treatment of you.  I agree with what has been said already.  You are strong and loving, and you are the kind of person I am trying to surround myself with now. 

We get it.  We see you.

I know this isn't an easy decision, and I am glad you have taken the time you needed to reach it.  I wish for peace for you today.