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| Support » A bit of a sad rant » May 14, 2022 7:54 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 13
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firefly wrote:It is just really hard for me to understand why he is giving himself a free pass to cause so much hurt. He chose this life. He chose to build this life with me for 20 years. To expect me to be happy to end it feels so disrespectful and cruel. I feel like his freedom and happiness require my destruction. How can he do that?
I like to think of myself as a very liberal and progressive person but I cannot get over the hurt that my GW has caused me by her denial. Yes I understand how hard it must have been to accept her own identity amidst the society we grew up in, but I cannot accept the lie she told me every day; that she loved me. Despite what she felt, I was happy. And had no reason to suspect she wasn’t.
Fuck her entitlement. Fuck her duplicity.
| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » March 22, 2022 7:05 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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Life is hard isn't it.
Like actually just life is hard without the heartache ontop. Fuel prices rising, energy costs rising, supermarket prices rising, National Insurance soon to rise. At times the overwhelming precarity of living in this modern world just overwhelms me.
And then I finish my unfulfilling job, reheat my frozen leftovers made from whatever meat and veg was in the reduced aisle the week before, and sit on my own.
"Did you hear me? In the loneliness.
Oh the loneliness and the scream
To prove to everyone that I exist."
Quite the cheery post tonight.
But yeah, I am here. I am screaming. And I know that slowly (very slowly) things will move on. To quote yet another cliche it's often impossible to imagine floating gently when you are in the middle of the waves just trying to keep your head above water. But it must be calm out there somewhere.
My job isn't that bad. I have options, I just have to choose them. I have friends and family, and they are there for me. I went to give blood tonight. It felt good to do something helpful.
See, being positive again already. Just popped in to say hi, and I dunno be cathartic and write something.
| Is He/She Gay » New to Our Path » March 22, 2022 6:52 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 7
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Hi Chapster
…
Firstly, let me say I’m sorry you find yourself here. I know that’s not quite the positive welcome, and maybe in time there’ll be a more affirming one, but right now I know that this is the last place you want to be. Because being here means that your wife is gay, and you are struggling to deal with it (as are we all). I still get the pangs of sadness every time I log onto this forum, even though it has helped a lot. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through right now.
Secondly, you are not alone. Both here on this forum, and in your own life. Taking the latter first, of course I don’t know you and wouldn’t pretend to tell you who you can and cannot talk to, but even if family or friends are not an option, your doctor, an telephone help line, your workplace union or HR, there are options there. I struggled so much in the first few weeks to actually tell someone what was happening. Not just the abridged “marital trouble” excuse I gave my work to get time off, but the full blood and guts of what was happening and how I felt about it. The angst of opening up to a friend who had always seen me as “strong” and “together” still is with me, that even though I’ve done it now, I quite often still answer “I’m ok” or “I’m doing fine” when people ask me. Which I’m not. Not really. But it’s a valve speaking to someone, and even if you turn it on and off at times you feel comfortable with, opening it up in the first place is the best thing to do. So please, trust that speaking to someone, even if in a rambling incoherent mess, will help you. Find someone you trust, or as I say a service available wherever you live. And back to the forum, post, read, reply, whatever. As you’ve already acknowledged writing things out helps. I’ve gone a bit quite on here since posting original back in Oct 2021, but I still dip back to read advice, and I’m still writ
| Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » December 23, 2021 7:27 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 2488
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Hi QuietOne / Sean
I wanted to ask a question for Sean on the back of the below reply to your post QuietOne. Before doing so I just wanted to check that was ok? I don't want to hijack.Séan wrote:4. In a couple of different places I have heard that being gay is more than just a sexual orientation.
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100% agree.
5. For example, David Cotton was interviewed in the Graying Rainbows podcast, and he stated "Being gay is a sexual orientation, but it is not just about the sex."
Correct. There is an excellent book about this very topic: "The Velvet Rage" by Dr. Alan Downs. While things have indeed improved, society is largely heteronormative so being gay is often considered an "anomaly" of sorts. I believe this is why there are still pastors and mental health professionals pushing these tired old tropes: being gay is a choice (it isn't); our environment makes us gay (it doesn't); sexual abuse makes gay men (it doesn't); and gay men can have happy marriages to straight women (nope). I can easily disprove the above in just a few sentences. Too all the heterosexual people reading this, when have you ever heard the following statements:
- Being straight is a choice and I chose to be straight in [insert date/time/place]
- My environment made me heterosexual
- Sexual abuse made me straight
- I know so many straight women who have happy and sexually fulfilling marriages to gay men
In my experience, most questioning/closeted husbands follow similar paths:
- I'm not gay.
- Yes I watch gay things online but I'm just curious
- I would never do anything gay with another man
- Ok so I did something gay "once" with another man because [insert bullsh*t excuse here]
- Ok now I'm bisexual
- Ok so I've done lots of gay stuff with multiple partners but that's because I was abused
- Ok now I'm gay but my wife and I don't have sex because my wife is [insert bullsh*t excuse/blame shift here]
- Ok now I've met [insert new male partner's name here] and w
| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » December 23, 2021 7:24 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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Hey all - I haven't posted in a while (jeezo, time flies) but I've found myself this evening unable to turn my mind off and need somewhere to just write. Christmas being just around the corner certainly isn't helping (I empathise completely with anyone else struggling right now).
…
Situation update (for context): I've been living in my mum and dad's spare room for five weeks now. As agreed we've split our time with the kids at the house and I've had every Wednesday night plus two full weekends solely with them, as well as weekly family dinners (to try show the kids that despite everything that's what we still are). I now have a flat secured for mid/late January, and a Civil Service job starting in early February. In theory at least certain things are coming together. Money is very tight, but bills are getting paid and Christmas presents have been bought. We have tentatively agreed to sit down and talk "longer term" post New Year. I have a rough idea in my head of what I want, and I'm going to try and organise a free advice session with a lawyer just to set my own thoughts right.
I think the fact that things on the surface look to be coming together is what's unsettled me (as well as Christmas, which I'll touch on in a bit). This past week I've been back to feeling really anxious, really low and sad. I'm drawn to the Steve Smith poem "Not Waving, But Drowning" and the short song of the same name by London hip-hip artist Loyle Carner. It's exactly how I feel. (Disclaimer I should say I'm not feeling suicidal or having thoughts of harm - I know people reading this might have that concern).
I think after the initial trauma (and it is a trauma) of opening up and talking to friends, family, therapist about what is happening and how it has affected me, I've shut down again. Maybe it's this toxic West-of-Scotland m
| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » November 15, 2021 3:57 am |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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Thanks all - appreciate your replies and insight.
…
* just as a curious aside (and I’m sure we’ve all gone through this at some point) at times I find it quite jarring and hard to read/heard others comments and advice. It often feels like no one other than me knows the situation, me, my family, my wife, well enough to give opinions. And while we are obviously all strangers, when I get past that feeling, reading others perspectives is helpful. Hard to let your guard down I guess.
The weekend was hard. We told our eldest kids on Friday and yesterday our 12th wedding anniversary.
I think what I found tough about yesterday was I couldn’t give her a cuddle, say “I love you” (and I do) or plant a kiss on her head. I know she doesn’t feel the same and I’m trying not to push or put her in a position (in the house with the kids at least) that she doesn’t want to be in. But yeah, there was no acknowledgement at all from her yesterday of what the day was. That’s hard. Even in the current situation, to think there’s nothing worth marking in any way from 12 years of marriage (18 years together) cuts.
We are clearly in different places. Is it possible (or plausible) for two people to have shared almost identical events (ie a relationship together) and have such different perspectives of them? As I’ve posted before I know our relationship wasn’t perfect (I’m not sure a perfect marriage actually exists - humans are tricky creatures) but it was a lot of things for me. It was happy, it was loving, it was secure, it was safe, it was built on friendship, it was built on commitment, and a lot of the time it was fun. And it hurts to hear her (even though it’s me asking…) say she doesn’t recognise that. I guess I’m hoping that in time she’ll come to see and remember the good. I know she wants me to see what she sees and I am trying to be a self reflective as I can. I guess the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.
But then
| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » November 5, 2021 7:23 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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Things have progressed since initially posting here. It's now four weeks since my wife informed me of her true sexuality. Four weeks since we had those initial discussions, since I desperately wanted to believe I could "fix" things, or carve out a way to maintain a loving relationship. Four weeks of being off work, since I've felt "normal", since things haven't just been laden with stress and anxiety and sadness and anger.
…
I'm still off work. I need to extend my sick-line with the GP on Monday, and I have a meeting with the headteacher of my school on Monday afternoon. I've submitted my request to defer my probation year to next August. I have things on relatively good grounds that my request should be granted, probably within the next week, at which stage I'll have the safety net of employment and continuing my career next August (2022), but will become unemployed. Having made this choice, which is far from ideal and certainly not how I envisaged things panning out when I started this school term, I did feel less burdened. I think, in the circumstances, it's the right thing to do.
That decision though has knocked some other things into clearer and more immediate focus. Medium term I plan to find part-time (or even full-time) work in a less stressful enviroment. I've looked at a few things which I know I'd be more than capable off, and could apply for within the next few weeks. I could even apply for (and given the job market here at the moment would get) a service job in retail close by. Basically, I'll have income, I'll have something to do during the days, and I'll not be forced to live on the breadline.
My individual counselling is due to start on Tuesday and I'm hopeful (although have no prior experience with counselling) that it'll help. I'm still pretty stressed and anxious about things, not sleeping great, appitite isn't there, and I've found I'm really clenching my jaw a lot which is causing a bit of pain. So I'm hoping that s
| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » November 5, 2021 6:55 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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Blue Bear wrote:
I could have written this three years ago. I'll give you some of the direct advice I wish I had received. Do with it what you will.
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1. You can't save your marriage if your spouse wants out. No amount of pleading, convincing or bargaining will work. And you will mentally damage yourself in the process.
2. Your marriage's issues relate to one thing: you're not the lesbian she never told you she needed. Your desire to acknowledge your shortcomings is a pointless task because even if you could magically solve for your "shortcomings", you cannot solve for THE deal-breaking shortcoming (i.e., she's a lesbian). My ex-wife tried to gaslight the hell out of me and make me think that the demise of our marriage was somehow my fault. And I wanted to save my family so much that I believed her for a while. Do not fall into this trap.
3. It's better for children to be from a broken home than in a broken home. Living under the duress of being married to a lesbian is no picnic, and you cannot be the father that your children deserve. The energy you squander -- trying to keep the family together? pretend everything is ok? fake your life? -- on your lesbian wife rightfully belongs to you and to your children. One of your jobs as a parent is to model a healthy relationship for them, and this is impossible under your current situation.
4. This IS what she wants. No parent would forfeit 50% of their time with their children if this were not what they wanted. Don't try to figure out her thought processes because it's impossible to figure out what a pathologically dishonest person is thinking. (And yes, you have described someone who has an honesty problem.)
5. You mention that your wife has had a lot of time alone recently. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect she already has a woman on the side. (This all too often seems to be the catalyst for disclosure.). They give same-sex interaction a spin, and realize it's what they act
| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » October 29, 2021 1:37 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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OutofHisCloset wrote:
Here's my advice: do whatever will preserve access to your children, and if this means working now, then work now, unless you realistically believe you won't be able to pass your probationary status. Make sure, if you opt to go an extra year, that your doing so won't be a strike against you in a year.
Work is a tough one. Access to the kids ISN'T at risk in terms of her cutting off access. She isn't forcing me to leave right now, but at the same time we are heading down that path as I think "pretending" things are thing are not helping. Maybe me moving out doesn't (at this stage) need to be permanent, but yeah it'll be me who moves not her. The reality is she is the main caregiver (I work, she doesn't) and I'm not going to uproot the kids like that. Equally I don't want to fight over the children (neither does she I think) so long term we have to work out what happens. It's all tied up in lots of things right now I think. As for this probationary year - I THINK I probably could pass (I'm doing well, good feedback, handling the work) but I know the stress levels and workload would ramp back up (things are quiet right now as I'm off work) which I worry doesn't leave time to address my own feelings, our relationship, and then the practicalities of seperating (if that's what has to happen). THAT could make things tense and ugly and if we can avoid that I'd rather. It wouldn't count as it wouldn't be something future employers would know (essentially not held on record so would only know if I disclosed). I posted some other worries and thoughts on work in my reply to Soaplife so I won't repeat them.
OutofHisCloset wrote:Your wife has been brutally honest, and you need to believe her, although you don't want to. She has said she wants to separate. At the moment, you're having a hard time accepting this and what it means: a prelude to ending the marriage. You don't want to "give up: on the marriage, but you are no
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| Support » Very recently - wife is gay - looking for advice/help » October 29, 2021 1:20 pm |
- oilslick
- Replies: 21
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Soaplife wrote:
Back off on the fighting and anger if you can. Forget about sex for the moment. You guys are exhausted and stressed. Some loving space given to each other, maybe some non confrontational practical discussion about home help, managing stress and fatigue might benefit both of you. Be kind to one another.
There is very little outward anger to be honest - when I say I'm angry its internalised anger. The best way I can think to describe it, is that I'm angry not at her being gay but at her lack of communication about being unhappy. To a degree I understand the trepidation and uncertainty (I have close friends who have came out as gay - some early in life, others later on) but I feel angry that she couldn't speak to me about the fact she was unhappy/unsure/not fulfilled. That might not be justified if I was part of the reason, but it how I feel non-the-less. As for sex - yeah it's weaved into the story because that's how the conversation came about, but for me right now it's not important. It's intimacy more than sex I'd like - a hug, a hand to hold; a kiss on the head.
Soaplife wrote:I also suggest you both seek individual counselling, but that your wife see a post abortion grief counsellor to start with. Its a real thing and can be deeply wounding for women and men involved in the very difficult and traumatic decision to terminate. You might need to address it too. There may also be unresolved grief from the miscarriages between you.
Thank you for this suggestion - truth be told it's probably 12 years overdue. I recognise (and have done since the time) that the decision impacted us very differently.
Soaplife wrote:Especially if your wife finds it difficult to articulate feelings, needs or anger, she will be in overwhelm so its bursting out in a burning stream with running away looking like the only way to get some relief. I may be wrong of course but I am like this so what you are describing sounds familiar.
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You are b
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