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1 - firefly
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A bit of a sad rant
It's been a hard 5 months since my husband came out to me as gay. I still rotate from shock, to anger, to sadness daily.
My GH and I are still living together. We haven't told the kids yet. Mostly because we don't have a plan and haven't made a formal decision as to what we are going to do. He said he wants to give me a lot of time to process and not move too quickly to divorce. A part of me appreciates that, but I still think he just hopes I will get on board the celebratory train if given more time.
Not going to happen. I cannot celebrate the end of the marriage and life I have loved and nurtured for over 20 years. I cannot joyfully watch him build a life with someone else. I know society is really big on celebrating authenticity and one's "true self." But, I am really struggling with not seeing his coming out and excitement about exploring this side of himself as very selfish and dripping with entitlement. I mean no disrespect to the LGTBQ community. It is just really hard for me to understand why he is giving himself a free pass to cause so much hurt. He chose this life. He chose to build this life with me for 20 years. To expect me to be happy to end it feels so disrespectful and cruel. I feel like his freedom and happiness require my destruction. How can he do that?
We have had such a fun time as a family. Our kids have no idea that a trauma train (break up of our family) is heading right for them, and I can't stop it. As a mother, that grieves me to no end. My GH is fully aware that a divorce would be devastating to our children. In their eyes, we are a happy family. This wouldn't be a divorce because of violence, drug abuse, infidelity, or even a mutual falling out of love. It would come out of no where.
It is quite likely that one or more of our children will end up on antidepressants for a time because of this. I know they will all need therapy, and I am actively working on lining it up for them. I am not against medication if they need it, but I am so angry that this is what they will have to go through. To divorce is to shatter their lives, and he WANTS TO DO IT ANYWAY. I don't know if I can ever forgive that.
He is also super dad at the moment. After 2 years of checking out of their lives emotionally, he is their best friend right now. The kids are loving it. I am quietly seething and hurt. It just seems that a divorce will be even more difficult and confusing for them now.
My exit strategy to get out of our business fell through, so I have to think of another one or figure out how to run it with him. Ugh.
I am still meeting with my therapist. She is saving my sanity.. I did tell another friend what is going on. She is sad for me, but kind of has the attitude of, "well, what can you do? He has to be authentic." I am afraid everyone will rally around him. I will be left to pick up the pieces alone because looking at my sadness and pain will cause them discomfort.
I know we should make a decision soon. I am dragging my feet. I feel stuck.
It's late, and I can't sleep.
I know you all understand. I just need someone to hear me.
- Gloria
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
Please post as much as you need to. I found out my ex boyfriend was gay (although he would not admit it) almost two years ago. I was hurt and shocked. It was painful. I made the decision to leave. We don't have children. I am holding a good thought for you as you are going through this pain.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
Firefly posted..."My GH and I are still living together. We haven't told the kids yet. Mostly because we don't have a plan and haven't made a formal decision as to what we are going to do."
Welcome to the Forum Firefly 
On the one hand you sound distraught and lost but on the other you seem determined and aware of your priorities (your children)
Don't allow your husband to lead the breakup of your family and eventual divorce. He doesn't deserve to take the reins on this... so you have to
Have you seen a lawyer?
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 12, 2022 2:22 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
Firefly
You're doing everything right and are dealing with things the best you can.
My GX did the same except she included a gay affair. She decided before I did that she did not want to be married anymore. Your GH sounds the same where he has decided the marriage will end. Maybe it will but it's the unilateral decision making that hurts here. He decided he is gay. He decided its ok to hurt you and the kids. He decided the marriage must end.
Perhaps in his head he decided he is a God or omnipotent being and he controls the universe?
He is in for a rude awakening in a divorce. Once a divorce is filed the lawyers are in control..he does not get to dictate how he thinks things should be. My GX was so angry when my lawyer said one simple word to her...no.
Know that kids will be ok...better a strong independent mom that is not hurt and rejected. This is all of his making...these spouses divorced us long ago when they hid their sexuality and lied and hurt us. The legal divorce is merely pomp and circumstance. They are arrogant delusional narcisists to think that there are no consequences to what they did.
Wishing you strength and fortitude..head held high, face in the wind.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- firefly
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
Thank you all for your comments. I tear up remembering that I am not alone.
Yes, it is the unilateral decision making that is so hurtful and disrespectful. I feel like I am playing catch up to where he is and scrambling to find my bearings.
I have not talked to a lawyer yet. It is on my to-do list, though. I at least want to understand my rights and know how the process would work before I decide anything.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
firefly wrote:
......I have not talked to a lawyer yet. It is on my to-do list, though. I at least want to understand my rights and know how the process would work before I decide anything.
It took what seemed, to me, a long time to gather the determination to make the appointment to see a lawyer. The time had to be right. I walked past the office a few times!
I wanted to do this in my own time, without my partners knowledge. This was my move although at one point he noted that I'd googled lawyers but I told him it was to redo my Will. Our lives were so entwined I had to remember to try to keep all this separate. I've learned to keep all my decisions, my safeguards to myself.
Yip Firefly... Step by step
Elle
KIA KAHA
- walkbymyself
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
It took me a very long time to work up the courage to talk to a lawyer. It's a very difficult step to take.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
It took me a very long time to work up the courage to talk to a lawyer. It's a very difficult step to take.
hugs for Walk 😊
KIA KAHA
- Grace1958
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Re: A bit of a sad rant
My first husband came out as gay and we (had to) stay married for 8 yrs. If I had the financial ability to have ended it earlier, I would have. If I could go back I'd also make sure I went to school for some sort of skills before the divorce. I think I was essentially in denial for a long, long time. Once we finally split and his mother was giving me a ration with the kids outside playing I told her that I couldn't live with her gay son any longer, that I wished him well and happy but I was not going to stick around and watch it. I moved the kids 2 states away. It was easier to explain them not seeing him if he was literally too far. You just keep doing what you need to do to get your future in shape and your kids needs met. If you aren't the one keeping the household books I hope you've printed out every account balance. Things can and often do get really messy the min a lawyer is involved.