oilslick - you are doing really well, you have your priorities straight and holding on all fronts.

glad to hear your parents are available, that's great.  This is so intense to face up to and still early days for you.

wishing you all the best getting through the upcoming anniversary, Lily.

Thanks all - appreciate your replies and insight.

* just as a curious aside (and I’m sure we’ve all gone through this at some point) at times I find it quite jarring and hard to read/heard others comments and advice.  It often feels like no one other than me knows the situation, me, my family, my wife, well enough to give opinions.  And while we are obviously all strangers, when I get past that feeling, reading others perspectives is helpful.  Hard to let your guard down I guess.

The weekend was hard.  We told our eldest kids on Friday and yesterday our 12th wedding anniversary. 

I think what I found tough about yesterday was I couldn’t give her a cuddle, say “I love you” (and I do) or plant a kiss on her head.  I know she doesn’t feel the same and I’m trying not to push or put her in a position (in the house with the kids at least) that she doesn’t want to be in.  But yeah, there was no acknowledgement at all from her yesterday of what the day was.  That’s hard.  Even in the current situation, to think there’s nothing worth marking in any way from 12 years of marriage (18 years together) cuts.

We are clearly in different places.  Is it possible (or plausible) for two people to have shared almost identical events (ie a relationship together) and have such different perspectives of them?  As I’ve posted before I know our relationship wasn’t perfect (I’m not sure a perfect marriage actually exists - humans are tricky creatures) but it was a lot of things for me.  It was happy, it was loving, it was secure, it was safe, it was built on friendship, it was built on commitment, and a lot of the time it was fun.  And it hurts to hear her (even though it’s me asking…) say she doesn’t recognise that.  I guess I’m hoping that in time she’ll come to see and remember the good.  I know she wants me to see what she sees and I am trying to be a self reflective as I can.  I guess the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. 

But then… she never told me (or admitted to herself) she was gay so that is all on her regardless of anything else.

Telling the kids was hard.  Cried a lot despite wanting to keep it together.  I guess I don’t want my problems to become something they feel they need to help with.  But daughter was amazing - she’s such an understanding, kind and thoughtful young woman and I’m very proud of her.  Son also took things in, understood, asked some questions and then has been doing fine.  In his own way he also was very strong about it and I’m proud of him too.  Both know we will always be there for them, it’s just hard knowing I’ll be around less.

Overall things are moving, looking for new job (temporary until next August), looking for new flat, sorting out benefits to tide things over.  Some other longer term separation stuff is being pushed back post Christmas, which is fine.  I still feel really sad.  Discarded is the best word.  And worthless.  Maybe I don’t need her validation, but 18 years with someone is a long time and it’ll take me a while to pick that apart.

Your wife is a lesbian..

Hey all - I haven't posted in a while (jeezo, time flies) but I've found myself this evening unable to turn my mind off and need somewhere to just write.  Christmas being just around the corner certainly isn't helping (I empathise completely with anyone else struggling right now).

Situation update (for context): I've been living in my mum and dad's spare room for five weeks now.  As agreed we've split our time with the kids at the house and I've had every Wednesday night plus two full weekends solely with them, as well as weekly family dinners (to try show the kids that despite everything that's what we still are).  I now have a flat secured for mid/late January, and a Civil Service job starting in early February.  In theory at least certain things are coming together.  Money is very tight, but bills are getting paid and Christmas presents have been bought.  We have tentatively agreed to sit down and talk "longer term" post New Year.  I have a rough idea in my head of what I want, and I'm going to try and organise a free advice session with a lawyer just to set my own thoughts right. 

I think the fact that things on the surface look to be coming together is what's unsettled me (as well as Christmas, which I'll touch on in a bit).  This past week I've been back to feeling really anxious, really low and sad.  I'm drawn to the Steve Smith poem "Not Waving, But Drowning" and the short song of the same name by London hip-hip artist Loyle Carner.  It's exactly how I feel.  (Disclaimer I should say I'm not feeling suicidal or having thoughts of harm - I know people reading this might have that concern).

I think after the initial trauma (and it is a trauma) of opening up and talking to friends, family, therapist about what is happening and how it has affected me, I've shut down again.  Maybe it's this toxic West-of-Scotland masculine notion that folk just struggle on, that when people ask how are you you smile and answer "fine" and quickly deflect the conversation to football or music or whatever.  That you need a pint in front of you to be able to open up.  That you don't want to burden others with your sadness (especially at Christmas).  I feel very much like the man in the poem - outwardly cheery, getting on fine with life, yet drowning in the vastness of emotion.

As I write this it's clear what I need to do.  I need to talk to someone.  I'll do my very best to do that.  I miss the kids terribly.  I feel very alone.  I miss intimacy.  And everything my mind turns to the future, I get extremely anxious.  And, I miss my wife.  I'm still angry at her.  I've thought a lot recently about how her inability to face up to her own feelings (for a long time) resulted in a warped expression of affection, of intimacy, and of sex.  I think back to one of the things she said when she first told me.  She was waiting for me to fuck up.  For me to cheat, or whatever, so that she had a reason to end things.  I find that so hurtful.

For Christmas Day we have decided to spend it as a family - me, wife, 4 kids - just in our house.  Both grandparents will pop along to visit (we all stay in the same village) but primarily the day will just be us.  Kids opening presents, usual traditional fry up breakfast, music, movies, games, and I'm cooking dinner.  It's going to be hard but I'm prepared for it.  The kids deserve as normal a day as possible.  Maybe this recent lull is me reserving energy for that day.  I've not felt Christmassy at all this year.  For me (since as young as I can remember), Christmas has been about family.  One of my favourite Christmas song's is Tim Minchin's "White Wine In The Sun" and I've sat in tears listening to it recently.  Over the years that family has grown, changed, as all families do, and this year despite knowning I HAVE my family, I'm just really feeling the loss.  Everything is tinged by it - I missed decorating the tree, I'll probably miss them going to bed tomorrow night, I'll miss seeing my neices and nephews on my wife's side, I'll miss just having someone to be with.  I bought a gift for her, which I realise is probably a forlorn action.  I'm unsure of whether to give it or not.  I doubt she has anything for me. 

11 weeks since finding all this out.  Sinking in that this is for the long haul. 



 

oil slick thanks for the update, it is a very good piece of writing in itself.  I wrote a post yesterday and then lost it so just sending hugs and look after yourself.