MegAgain wrote:

I’m new to this space, but needed it a long time ago. I’ve been with my husband 7 years. He experienced very intense sexual abuse as a child for years, with religious influence. He refuses to masturbate and will only have sex with me (or so he has always said). He is finally getting therapy, but I just discovered videos of his infidelity on a hard drive. He is acting like the issue is that I found them, not that the event happened. The event was a recreation of his rape. He is blindfolded and he explained that he refused to see the man. It was all set up in advance. He says he is not gay and that this is his way of trying to process his rape. He says he loves no one but me, wants me sexually (we have always remained sexual together), and that I have no right to assume he’s gay. He says that if I leave it’s because I don’t love him.

I am so stuck. I love this man. I want him to be happy. My brain tells me the truth is obvious, but it’s so hard when he says I’m just giving up on him if I leave.

GID I am afraid. It is highly unlikely that a rape victim would recreate the traumatising event in order to process it. Counselling would be the more normal avenue. There does indeed seem to be a lot of blame shifting that goes on with the denial.
 

You have to start seeing it a a purely business arrangement working on the family as a project. There are two main types of transgender women. Type A are the psychological phenotype gender dysphoria type. The standard version of transgender person who is literally the wrong brain for the body. They normally experience this most of their lives until they come to transition fully or, to an acceptable degree fairly early in adult life. This is usually met with a sense of relief, as their bodies now meet and marry up with their psychological selves. They often behave or are already presenting more towards their opposite gender. It will be incredibly rare for these people to enter into heterosexual relationships through marriage and then being able to raise families without some form of disclosure to their partners about how they feel inside.

The other more common type b are the Autogynephiles  whose motivation is largely sexual and emotional. They are frequently heterosexual men, whose attraction to femininity has gone out to become realised in their female partners. Then it seems that the ideation of themselves as female, leads to internalised desire of the idea of being female themselves. They are driven by a strong sexual need to become a woman and will chase that identity through increasing the level of feminine ideation. Each new experience and change provides a drive to go further until they either reach their own plateau or continue on to full transition. Their need for a female body of their own is different but still very real to them. The female persona becomes increasingly stronger against its masculine host until it wins out as dominant and alone. For many female partners this is like invasion of the body snatchers, as the man they once knew becomes someone else entirely. The new female personality is like all people and can be perfectly reasonable and understanding, but frequently becomes very demanding and selfish. Demanding recognition and affirmations

M-Kate wrote:

I think that under the "right" circumstances, my husband would choose to leave me to explore his homosexual side, but I also believe that he does indeed value the life that he has with me and our son.  He doesn't want to blow it all up (at least for now).   I think that he now realizes that his cheating and deceit jeopardized his life with us and he wants to move forward and repair the damage that he's done.    

However, I realize that his attraction to other men will never go away.   I may not be able to accept this part of him and he may not be able to suppress this part of his sexuality.   

He has promised not to lie to me anymore.  I've asked him to let me know if he can't be monogamous so that we can divorce amicably. 

We now have a very active sex life.   We're trying to make each other happy while respecting boundaries (mine).   

There is no reason why it can’t work out. At least from your perspective. There are boundaries and rules now. If he breaks them, then your conscience is clear. You will always have this doubt though, and it is up to him to prove you can trust him. Trust, along with respect and love are earned and not demanded.

M-Kate wrote:

Thank you for your insight.  It's hard to wrap my head around.   I remember during one conversation with my husband, he said that he didn't always want to be the "fucker".  He wanted to be the one being fucked.   He also has said that he would like me to just fuck him and so we bring in sex toys.  I don't know whether I can truly ever accept this part of him.   

It is up to you entirely as to what will accept. I can also understand why it would be difficult for a heterosexual woman to penetrate her husband. Normally it is the man’s masculinity that is an attractive quality and not a submissive brand of neo-femininity. It is also difficult for me to understand why a man would want to be “fucked” by another man. That in doing so he would find some pleasure from being dominated. But, I would certainly be concerned by his actions in respect to your health Kate. A woman in my group was left distraught by the fact that not only had her husband been off getting fucked by men. She also got the extra gifts of syphilis and Hep B. She sobbed with the shame of his bisexuality and the shame of having STDs. I am sure you would be happier with a straight man, who would be more than happy to ensure that you were the only focus of his desire and affection. My heart goes out to you.

Mine punched me and spat in my face. Then turned the fact that I didn’t hit her back into typical toxic masculine passive aggression.